Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2017

Ahhh 2017, easily the most overrated year for pop music of the 2010s


A lot of people liked 2017, and I'm so happy about that. 2016 was painful for all of us, both in and out of music, so it's nice that a majority of people and nearly all my peers got a good year of music to soothe their nerves. Unfortunately, that was not the case for me. Yes, Tech is here to fuck all your dreams up, because I thought 2017 mainstream music fucking SUCKED. An awful year for pop music, similar to the gloom disaster that was 2009. People will tell you 2017 was pleasantly diverse in it's taste, which I cannot disagree more, because this year's trends sent my mind into a fucking frenzy. The public didn't just get more varied taste all of a sudden, they just significantly lowered their standards. Other than trap, which was the 1 style that dominated the charts (and will dominate next year as well), people were desperate to listen to something that wasn't the current state of 2016 pop music, to the point where we would let fucking ANYTHING chart, which included

- Soundcloud rappers who were a bunch of fucking amateur hour teenagers who took the phrases "kill the competition" and "beat the pussy up" way too literally

- Many trends that we already abandoned years ago (for good reason) that had already ran their course

- Any sad/frustrated sounding female with a seemingly interesting writers touch that could fill in the gap for Taylor Swift while she was busy buying every copy of Yeezus she could find and burning it


Today we'll be going over the worst, as best lists are for optimistic people who still have faith in the current state of Billboard, and I lost that shit back in July. So, let's stop pussyfooting around and start our grueling journey through the Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2017!


I'm amazed at how many worst lists this song has topped. I mean yeah sure it's awful, but I didn't know people other than me hated it THAT much! Well, might as well throw my piece in.

No.10: Issues - Julia Michaels (YE: 29)

Ok, what the fuck is going on. I've tried to write a song review for this song multiple times, and after 6 months I still have NO idea how to critique this song. But fuck it, I'll give it a shot.

This production is broken, just straight up broken. It starts off with these 2 strings that just go back and forth in this incredibly annoying pattern that's the musical equivalent of 2 guys hitting a ping pong ball back and forth with their ballsacks. Eventually the chorus comes around where the established foundations falls a part and becomes this flat, gross bass and backing vocals straight from Tartarus rubbing up against Julia Michaels' unworkable voice (more on that later). The 2nd verse you get the flat ugly bass again, but now with meaningless snaps thrown into the mix, only for later in the song for everything before to come together. Now many songs do this, have a song slowly build up and then have a huge sounding last chorus. It's the easiest way to get a satisfying pay off to a song. But Julia seemed to put half the production for the 1st minute of the song, then the 2nd half in the next minute, and then finish it off with a mass of sounds to smash together like 6 dudes having a sloppy orgy in a dirty Detroit alleyway (so basically, Big Sean's debut album). It just hurts my ears. I don't know if it's just because the massive soundwave of garbage that makes 2010 David Guetta blush, or it's because the entire song sounds like it was mixed by my deaf grandmother who doesn't understand how the volume knob on her car radio works. Either way, it's about as enjoyable as sodomy with a horse (which must be why some of you like it).

Julia Michaels is here, who is my front runner for worst new artist of the year. Dear lord how did this girl cross over. She got famous for writing a fair few hit songs (majority being a bunch of shitty Selena Gomez songs, but I digress) who suddenly decided "hey, I should sing a song myself!" despite having no idea how to sing without sounding like a drunk white girl with a bit too many scrapes on her knees. I know I give Camila Cabello a lot of shit for not being able to hit a note if her album release date depended on it, and I'm not saying Julia is worse, but yikes is she close. The mainstream is cluttered right now with a bunch of raspy vocaled females, a majority who are doing it less of a style and more for lack of talent, and Julia is the front runner for the latter. This girl is just tone deaf. She sings the admittedly decent, sometimes beautiful melodies in the most grating and shaky ways possible. She randomly blasts her voice, going for notes in the middle of lines for seemingly absolutely no reason, like she's trying to show off that pathetic excuse for a voice she has. But more importantly, remember when me (and many others) had mild complaints of Ariana Grande's lack of pronunciation skills? Scratch all of that, THIS girl just stole all of it. I want to talk about the lyrics of this song, but sometimes it's hard because I genuinely have no idea what the fuck she's talking about. I'm convinced half the chorus isn't even English. It starts off fine enough, then slowly gets more and more incomprehensible.

"Cause I got issues
but you got 'em too
So give them all to me and I'll give mine to you
bask in the glory
Of all the problems
Cause we got all the love that takes us all from
Yeah I got issues
And one of them is how bout I greet Jews"

Speaking of which, these lyrics are a bunch of shit. The story she's telling is fine, whatever, her messy situation fits the production rather well, which is why the song is so low, but these lines are so terrible.

"When I'm down I get real down
When I'm high I don't come down"

This essentially just means nothing.

"But you don't judge me
'Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too
No, you don't judge me
'Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too"

"Don't judge me, or I'll judge you" is the lamest threat someone could make. She sounds like a 14 year old highschool girl threatening to expose all my deepest darkest secrets she somehow knows. NO MADISON, YOU *DON'T* KNOW ABOUT MY FOLDER. NO ONE KNOWS!"

"And got hands like an ocean
Push you out, pull you back in"

Yeah, and I got hands like quicksand, because I just dragged your bitch ass. Screw this.


Are you telling me this song ACTUALLY exists?

No.9: Rolex - Ayo & Teo (YE:61)

We STILL aren't passed this? Vine is dead, how the fuck did this get here? Did people really care about this song? I don't even know if this song is that bad either, I think I might just be tired of this trend at this point that I'm lashing out at these 2 Rae Sremmurd rejects that, to be fair, seem to be able to at least construct a decent hook. That's where my praise ends however, because the rest is insufferable. The flute is some of the most irritating instrumentation on a hip hop song I've heard in the past few years, and the whole song and it's melody seems to formed around it. The piano is so dry that it sent the Sahara Desert into a depression, the drums are sending ME into a depression, and it's just about the last thing some nasty old head like me wants to hear.

The bars are barely even worth talking about, but let me tell you, if you wanted to hear a 4 minute song about wanting a fucking watch, then this is the song for you. That's all I can remember: Rolie Rolie Rolie Rolie Rolie. It makes me want to repeatedly bruise my dick with a door stopper. The lines are mostly forgettable trash you've heard before, how their diamonds are going retarded, how they're stealing your girl because every rapper seems to be obsessed with my side bitch I met in the 1st grade, and of course, this iconic line

"Karate chop that bitch like a sensei"

Which I still have NO idea what it means. Like yeah, karate chop like a sensei, sensei's teach/know karate, I get that. But, you're karate chopping...a girl? Is it like...a sex move? Do you slice your hand through her vagina like a kinky credit card or something? Maybe it's literal? Are you LITERALLY assaulting this girl?

Eh, I wouldn't put it past them.


oh
my
f u c k i n g
g  o  d

No.8: Do Re Mi - Blackbear (remix ft Gucci Mane) (YE:98)

We fucking let this on our YE huh? I gotta talk about this dickhead AGAIN? *sigh* alright, whatever, I'll keep it brief

This is a song by Blackbear. He's fucking terrible. His voice sounds like nightcore mixed with chugging gasoline, has such an odd ear for beats, and writes like your one Conservative friend you have on Facebook that got laid once in freshman year and thinks feminism is secretly the 8th deadly sin. Seriously, it doesn't show off that much in this song, but listening to multiple projects of his, and the lack of respect this dude has for women is INSANE. More importantly, it makes all his songs sound all the more pissy, including this one, with the titular line

"Do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin' done with you girl"

Which is the single dumbest line of the year. Holy fuck dude, you're THIS pathetic huh.

But even then, unfortunately, the rest of the song is pretty reasonable. The beat is incredibly generic, but I guess it's got smooth enough bass and controlled enough hi-hats to make the white boys go crazy. The remix also has a feature from Gucci Mane, who doesn't do half bad honestly, I've warmed up to him quite a bit.

But fuck it, I'm still throwing this on the list for how fucking whiny and gross the entire song is. At least in Mansionz, his collab project with Mike Posner, you could argue there's a satirical undertone to the entire thing to make it enjoyable, or maybe that it's a bunch of depressed dudes getting high, airing out their grievances, and knowingly saying regrettable things. But this has none of that, it's just an 8 year old pouting.

"So fuckin' done with all the games you play
I ain't no Tic-tac-toe"

Baffling bar after baffling bar, it's like Camp-era Childish Gambino on Xanax.

"You never had to buy yourself a drink
'Cause everybody want to tap that ass sometime"

Ah yes, when things aren't going your way, just blatantly call this girl a slut who didn't need to work for anything in her life! THAT makes you seem superior and more mature!

Songs as dumb as this keep getting popular and I don't know why. It can't be just the beat, because other songs have beats just like this one, usually even better, and don't sound like a teenager boy after his girlfriend said he had a small dick. Do people RELATE to it? Is "Do, re, mi, fa, so fucking done with you" a relatable line? It's glaring, corny, and just fucking irritating to me. Screw off Blackbear you piece of shit. Do re mi fuck yourself.


A lot of people will consider this song a 2016 hit rather than a 2017 one, but it hit the YE this year and not last years, so I'm counting it. And dear fucking lord is it awful.

No.7: Juju On That Beat - I don't give enough of a fuck to type these names out (YE:63)

Now I know what some of you might say "Oh c'mon, it's just a couple of kids having fun! You can't rip this a part, it's a fun little dumb song that's easily forgettable!", and I get that. "It's just a bunch of kids" does influence how I organize my lists to an extent. Bhad Bhabie and Jacob Sartorious will never go anywhere near my crossfire, and I try to stray away from Rae Sremmurd if I can, who I find myself complimenting more often than not. It's also why I was relatively nice to Ayo & Teo, despite their rather young age. But here's the thing: neither of these guys' songs are going to be remembered in a years worth of time. While you can argue the same thing for this song, I'm still not letting this slide. This was a Top 5 hit. THE TOP 5 SONGS ON THE BILLBOARD HOT 100. I hold nothing back for songs this succesful. It's fucking certified 2x PLATINUM. So no, I'm going to judge this as I would judge any song, and this is fucking nothing.

I'm sure this wasn't ACTUALLY what happened, but I'm seriously convinced this song was made by accident. A couple of kids were freestyling over one of their favourite beats (in this case, a Crime Mob classic to some people), recorded it, and then through it up on Soundcloud for their friends to laugh to. That's all this song is: a demo track. It would explain so many things. For one, how the beat is basically identical to the Crime Mob song. I get sampling and all that, but sampling implies you change something, and this just doesn't. It also kinda blows? Some shitty piercing keys, and the most generic Garage Band sounding bass and drum hits. It's just pathetic, I could make this beat.

Now because these dudes are kids, I obviously weren't expecting them to be spitting bars or anything. And since it was a mainstream hip hop song, I REALLY wasn't expecting much. But even with those very low expectations, I am still slamming my head against my wall trying to understand how anyone payed $1.29 for this. Even for teenage boys freestyling, this is fucking PATHETIC.

" Walk in this party & these girls lookin at me
Skinny jeans on & you know my hair nappy
Hey hey hey okay okay I want y'all do, do this dance"

THAT'S THE WHOLE FIRST VERSE

IT'S 3 BARS LONG

But yeah there's nothing to talk about in this 4th grader pissing himself other than the fact it's 3 bars rather than 4 because the dude just decided to go "hey, hey, hey" for like 5 seconds rather than construct an actual sentence. Top 5 hit of the year baby.

But the next dude, this next dude, he might ACTUALLY be worse.

"Okay we knuckin' and buckin'
And ready to fight"

Wow dude sick shoutout to the beat you shamelessly ripped off. That TOTALLY makes up for it because you were able to come up with the most basic bitch wordplay that you would see in a children's book.

"I got my cousin, he with me
And got Lil Zay on the right"

Ok, nitpick time, but I watched the music video for this (because I do THOROUGH research) and you actually DON'T have your cousin with you? Like when you say this, what comes up on screen is this:

Where it's obviously just the 2 rappers, and none of your cousins? Like I get it was just a throwaway bar, but are you telling me you couldn't even get your cousin into the video? Even some random fucking dude who you could SAY is your cousin? Whatever, getting offtopic.

The biggest problem that everyone has already commented on, is how nearly this whole verse doesn't even rhyme, so I'm just gonna drop this here and move on to the next entry.

(Matching colors = a succesful rhyme (even a slant rhyme would fucking work for me)

"Okay we knuckin' and buckin'
And ready to fight
I got my cousin, he with me
And got Lil Zay on the right
And I'm a Detroit baby
And I don't know nothing else
Besides drinking and having parties
And having some fun
I say look in the mirror
What you expect me to do?
I see a 300-S
And got them blacked out rims
I mean I like your style
I'm on a whole 'nother level
If you compare me and you
There wouldn't be no comparings"

You tried Kevin McCall & Tay Zonday, you tried. Except you totally didn't. Fuck you.


The Chainsmokers influenced our current state of pop music in a variety of ways. One of them is promoting Halsey as our next big pop star, which I definitely don't appreciate. The other is the spike of EDM producers exploding back into our mainstream like they were before The Chainsmokers took over, except this time it's way worse. You got Marshmello, Kygo, Zedd, Steve Aoki, and this group that honest to god makes me miss The Chainsmokers.

No.6: No Promises - Cheat Codes ft Demi Lovato (YE:91)

Y'know, "Cheat Codes" is either a horribly ironic name or an unfortunately fitting name, because these dudes are fucking hacks. While it may seem like a good idea on paper to people who have no respect for music as an art form, these slimy fuckstains jack the choruses (not sample, sampling implies they changed anything, it's the same fucking chorus) to popular songs from the 90s to mid 2000s (aka the golden era for weirdly quotable pop songs) and use them to grab in listeners who go "hey, I recognize that song, this song is good because it has good parts and heyyyyyyy I recognize those good parts!" and get them to listen to their sorry excuses for dance music, which is composed of the same backing beat that Calvin Harris probably made 6 years ago drunk off his ass in his hotel room bathing in his pool of money he got from Rihanna, while slapping a flashy high pitched synth line over it that I'm confident is the leading cause of why adults think electronic music converts children into satanic worshipers. In short, I wouldn't consider myself a fan. Now these dudes used to just be notching UK hits, but after collabing with the likes of David Guetta and Robin Shulz on that Shed a Light song (you know, the one that sounded like 3 generic dance tracks mushed together?) that crossed over to multiple countries, they finally decided to ditch their disgusting sampling formula and just rip off The Chainsmokers because why wouldn't they. Yet somehow, even after getting rid of their biggest flaw, they somehow made the worst song out of their entire discography.

Demi Lovato was their choice of collaborator here, despite being one of the last voices in pop music that could fit on an EDM song. Which is very apparent once you listen to the song, because her vocal style is nearly the exact opposite of what she normally does. Demi has a very loud and powerful voice, so why they directed her to sing in her highest and thinnest register makes about as much sense as my twitter account: nonsensical, and pretty sad to look at.

The vocal production is fucked too. Whatever this effect they slathered both these performers voice in is so messy, kinda sounds like a wave is encompassing their voices the entire time. But not a pretty ocean wave, more like a waterfall of sewage. And yes, you heard me right, BOTH performers, because one of the Cheat Codes dudes, like many sad EDM producers before him, decided he had the personality and charisma to sing himself, to make this a striking duet! Honey, I'm so sorry, but you are nowhere close. Andrew Taggart has as much vocal personality as you do, you just sound like a sad white boi whispering his order at a fast food joint. But what makes both of these awful vocal performances fail as much as they do is how they bounce off of each other, which is not at all. The chemistry here between these 2 is more dead than PC Music Vol.3. I doubt they even recorded this in the same studio, just got 2 vocal tracks and slapped them together like 2 teenagers at a school dance. It's just very awkward, is what I'm trying to get at.

The production? Don't even get me fucking started. This is just nothing. The synth is boring, snaps and tambourine(whatever the fuck that is?) all sound equally as dry, and there doesn't seem to be any bass or drums? What fucking song decides to leave out a fucking bassline? They really copied the Chainsmokers as closely as they could, with barren, mind numbing verses with an absolutely ballistic dogshit drop. This synth on the drop goes from a comma to sounding like it's screaming for help.

Now I don't care about lyrics in EDM songs, kinda doesn't matter to me. All I ask for you is to not be stupid"

"Oh na na, just be careful, na na
Love ain't simple, na na
Promise me no promises"

The Cheat Codes fucking failed.


*quick interruption from the Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2017 to bring you TechJet's Top 3 Worst Canadian Exclusive Hit Songs of 2017!

3. Know No Better - Major Lazer ft Camila Cabello, Travis Scott & Quavo
It's fucking broken

2. Run Up - Major Lazer ft PARTYNEXT DOOR & Nicki Minaj
It's fucking broken

1. Bad Liar - Selena Gomez
It's
fucking
b r o k e n

Anyways, back to the bottom 5*


*rubs hands together* This one's for you, Alberto

No.5: Look At Me! - XXXTENTACION (YE:99)

Trying to keep up with the times, Billboard made a big change in their algorithm to make their charts more accurate, which ended up completely fucking us. Billboard now decided to count Soundcloud, Pandora, and a bunch of various other streaming services into the mix, which is great idea in theory, giving the power back to the people by lessening the need for radio, allowing more underground and indie artists to have a shot at some exposure. But they accidentally overflowed on streaming so much now that it's ALL that matters. Sales mean nothing, radio means nothing, if you can get someone to listen to your song on Soundcloud, that's all you need, meaning that if you can get yourself into some controversy, your song can get some big numbers on the charts. Enter Call Of Duty fuckface over here, XXXTENTACION, a kid that's as edgy as the name spells out. Now I can talk about this dude all day, all his allegations, all the court cases and controversy this guy goes through, and all the bullshit this dude gets himself into seemingly on purpose. But that's giving him more time than he deserves. This dude's time in the spotlight is very limited, as people are starting to get sick of his shit. So let's give him a last hurrah with his big hit Look At Me!, which is absolutely fucking terrible.

This is as much of a song as a tomato is a vegetable. Woah, that's some heavy fuzzy bass there fella! It sounds absolutely awful! You think with a dude as talented as this guy thinks he is would remember to fucking mix his song, but whatever. Anyways, thick bass, that's the appeal to people. That's fine, fine enough. Too bad there's nothing fucking else going on in the song! Now granted, that doesn't make the song inherently bad, Fade by Kanye West ft Post Malone & Ty Dolla $ign has barely any instrumentation outside of the sick as fuck bassline, but the difference there is that Fade at least had interesting and passionate performances. Ty Dolla $ign gives a killer hook, Kanye's vocals are filtered very well, and Post Malone gives one of his most insane and enjoyable performances he's ever done. This 14 year old that secretly jerks off to 8 Mile has the most goofy flow possible for a beat this menacing. Dun-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, Dun-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, it just sounds so dumb. People are telling me this is a cool and interesting flow? I could do this flow. This is literally the "I can't rap very fast but let's just throw all the words together anyways" flow that fucking BIG SEAN used FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO, which I'm sure we all would have clowned then, but nah, because this dude does it over some Baby Gap Death Grips bass gurgle it's "experimental". Yeah alright. Fuck, I'd argue even Big Sean has a better hip hop voice than this dude. He sounds like a little kid, am I supposed to find this threatening or edgy? It's not biting, it doesn't "go hard". It's. Just. Fucking. L a m e.

Content wise, X is shooting blanks as well. Nearly the entire song is just him fucking some chick, which yeah cool dude I'm so jealous right now, but it's not interesting. You can make your song about chopping off your dick for all I care, but you gotta make it interesting, and it just isn't. Fucking this chick in Starbucks, fucking her while she says "amen", bunch of cheap shit you've already heard before. Including this zinger

"Curly hair bitch like I'm Corbin"

As if comparing yourself to the egotistical sexist numb skull that is Chad from High School Musical is a good thing.

...wait that actually fits you REALLY well

Not to mention this

"Skeet on your main bitch's forehead
Don't want your pussy, just want head"

Because "Yeah bro, pussy is too gay for me, I want you to give me head, then I want to jerk off on your head. Heads are kinda my kink, vaginas are all pink and gross."

But for real, let me just analyze this starting verse for a second

"Ayy, I'm like "Bitch, who is your mans?"
Ayy, can't keep my dick in my pants
Ayy, my bitch don't love me no mo'
Ayy, she kick me out, I'm like vro
Ayy, that bitch don't wanna be friends
Ayy, I gave her dick, she amen"

So, this could mean a couple of things

1) Girl broke up with him, so he decided to rape her (which, despite X's tendencies to, again, "Take the phrase "Beat the pussy up" too seriously, is probably not the case)

or

2) X got friend zoned hard, and tried to explain to her "ay but I gave you that slick dick tho", which is so facepalm worthy that I could just end the entry there. Annnnnnnnnd I will. Fuck you XXX Xander Cage, and no, I will NOT fuck on you.



Well, here's the one that's gonna disappoint everyone.

No.4: 1-800-273-8255 - Logic ft Alessia Cara & Khalid (YE:31)

A month or two ago, I was so ready to tear this piece of shit apart. I was gonna talk about how this is the We Are The World of the modern times, and how no matter how good it's intentions seem to be (whether or not you think there's scummy and manipulative intentions behind it) it shouldn't blind you from it's quality. I was gonna bring up Joyner Lucas and his song "I'm Sorry", which is not only a much more mature and reasonable outlook on suicide as well as being a better song, but would accuse Logic of ripping off Joyner Lucas with some pretty hard hitting fucking evidence that Logic is scumbag piece of shit that just watered down a brilliant song and slapped the suicide hotline as the title to generate looks. Was going to talk about the absolute fucking ridiculous story of how the song basically treats suicide as a kid that failed a math test for the first time and just needed to talk to a pretty girl to hype his spirits back up. I was even going to talk about how much I fucking hate Logic for how he treated the subject, and how much all these things above fucking offends me.

But then I realized: I don't give a shit about any of that

I'm not offended by any of it, I just wanted to act like I was offended as an excuse to put this at the top of my worst list (which as you can see, didn't quite happen). But look, I'm not the one that should talk about this song. Unlike Logic, I'm going to abstain from talking about suicide and critiquing this song because I have no fucking idea what I'm talking about. Never been depressed, never been suicidal, none of that. If you want to know why this song completely blows and can be genuinely offensive to some people, go to nearly any other worst list on the internet, because I'm sure it'll show up on most peoples. The main reason for me doing this is something I want to drive home to you guys, and will influence my lists and reviews from now on. I realized that, being offensive and damaging to society (as disgusting as it is) doesn't anger me.

What angers me, is being fucking stupid.

So, to make up for this cop out of an entry, here's the top 3 worst songs of the year, which I will tear into fucking shreds piece by piece for being some of the dumbest songs in existence. Let's do this.


Oh Liam Payne, you are so unbelievably in over your head

No.3: Strip that Down - Liam Payne ft Quavo (YE:36)

Do you ever just hear the 1st note in a song, and immediately know you aren't gonna like it? It's happened to me quite a few times, but none as ferocious as this. I heard the 1st note and heard EXACTLY where it was going. So did a lot of people too, because while it did top pop radio and sales at one point, I've barely seen anyone praise this. Yet, this still gets WAY more credit than it deserves. People are trying to tell me this is a Justin Timberlake wannabe? You're hilarious to think Liam Payne even has half the swagger of a former Jonas Brother, let alone the 2000s king of pop. No no no, this is not a J.T rip off, it's an Austin Mahone rip off. Specifically, this disaster.

Now quick opinion on this Austin Mahone song is that it's awful, a complete embarrassment for someone who used to make squeaky-clean marketed heartthrob music to transition to this lame sex jam, but it's a hell of a lot better than Liam Payne's lame sex jam that's a complete embarrassment for someone who used to make squeaky-clean marketed heartthrob music. The main turn off is this beat, which is as limp as anyone's dick would be when THIS is their sex jam. You have this poisonous bass, and some unfitting snaps, that's it. It feels so fucking barren, there's nothing here to groove to. Once your brain recognizes "wow, this bassline is a bunch of bullshit" the entire song collapses everything it could have potentially had.

And while Austin Mahone's song gave us a bit more texture and stability on the pre chorus, Liam gives us cheesy DJ Mustard gang vocals and a hi-hat that only exists to start stuttering just to annoy people and no other reason. It all sounds so basic and smug, which means it matches Liam's contributions perfectly. This is the first solo single from Liam, meaning he wasn't given any (or much) direction from higher ups in terms of performance, and dear lord can you tell. This man is fucking INCOMPETENT. He has absolutely no charisma, has the same vocal tones and energy as a dad that just disappointed his son. His range is not at all impressive, his brief glimpses of falsetto are piercing and only sound tolerable with Ed Sheeran's back vocals doing their best to drown it out. For fucks sake, Liam doesn't even know how to fucking RHYME properly.

"Yeah, you opened up my heart
And then you threw away the key
Girl, now it's just you and me
And you don't care 'bout, where I've been"

This is perfectly fine, key/me/been is a normal and reasonable rhyme scheme. But that's just too difficult for Liam because he fucking pronounces the last word as "bin" rather than "been", which somehow makes it not fucking rhyme, and throws ALL momentum and flow the song had completely off. You can't just chock it up to "oh that's just how he normally pronounces the word", because I've heard him on other fucking One Direction songs (specifically I'm thinking of "Up All Night") where HE SAYS "BEEN" THE OTHER WAY THAT WOULD HAVE FUCKING RHYMED. Yes this is somewhat of a nitpick, but it perfectly illustrates Liam's talent-less in a solo field. This dude isn't bursting with swagger and charisma, he's a fumbling idiot that knows he can half ass a song that will still go double platinum no matter what because getting the female masses' panties wet is the easiest way to both their heart and the top of the charts. No.1 on pop radio, god I hate people.

Anyways, the lyrics, should probably care about this I guess? Not sure why I should considering Liam himself claimed himself as more of a "music man", but

a) It's not like the music elements of this song were any good anyways, and

b) There are a total of 10 WRITERS credited on here, so I'm sure something interesting will show up

"But your love, it hit me hard, girl
Yeah, you're bad for my health
I love the cards, that I've been dealt
Do you feel the same as well?"

I bet you do love the cards you've been dealt, as you could say nearly anything to this women and she drop her pants in a heartbeat, but whatever.

"You know, I used to be in 1D (now I'm out, free)"

My favourite thing is him in interviews saying "Oh no this wasn't a negative thing, I'm just talking about how nice it is to do my own thing." Then why the hell do you sing it as "Man, remember that one boyband? Thank god I'm out of there right?"


This hook is fucking atrocious. It's so fucking embarrassing that it's almost to a laughable degree. Liam trying to sound sexy in his higher register turns me on about as much as Florida Georgia Line last year saying they're gonna make this girl "scream hallelujah", and of course that heavily pitch shifted vocals on the post chorus going "UH, STRIP THAT DOWN GURL" is more confusing than titillating. "Love when you hit the ground girl?" Are you planning to murder her or something?


Liam said himself he wasn't a lyrics man and he was fucking right. Other than that 1D line obviously thrown in there last minute to stir up controversy, it's just forgettable line after forgettable line. Fittingly enough, "Strip That Down" is just a stripped down version of a bunch of songs you've already heard before such as...well, that Austin Mahone song I mentioned earlier. Going back to that, 3rd verse guest rap verses on pop songs! Because his label still had little faith in Liam getting a hit, they had to tag on Quavo, the biggest name in rap AND pop music in 2017 for a short 8 bar verse to attract more listeners, which is a lot less respectable than Austin Mahone putting Sage The Gemini on his song because they're both complete idiots. I'm not about to call Sage The Gemini of all rappers a fire artist or anything, but he kinda adds to the song he's on, has a couple of semi clever lines that you can at least know he's trying. He even goes past 8 bars for his verse!

Quavo on Strip That Down on the other hand...

"She gon' strip it down for a thug, yeah (strip it down)
Word around town, she got the buzz, yeah (word)
Five shots in, she in love now (shots)
I promise, when we pull up, shut the club down (hey)
I took her from her man, don't nobody know (know)
If you brought the CL, better drive slow (slow)
She know how to make me feel with my eyes closed (skrrt skrrt)
Anything goes down with the Huncho (Huncho)"

Well, there it is. I mean I don't even need to read it, you have eyes. Doesn't take a Ph D to see how lazy this verse is. He mentions having sex with a girl, getting drunk and high, stealing YOUR girl, driving in a fancy foreign car, and then leaves, there's his verse. 8 bars, 18 pitiful seconds of a literal checklist of cliches to slap onto this already droning, ugly, smug, and just lame pop song.


There was only 1 way this song could have worked: and it was to go overboard, make it as sleazy and revolting as possible, and Liam and his producers couldn't even get that right. The biggest sin this song commits is it's just noway fun. All the instruments sound dead, a moronic performer, and absolutely no awareness of how L A M E this song sounds. I hope your career dies a slow painful death Liam, but something tells me it won't even last that long anyways.


Oh I have been waiting since January to do this. I gave a piece of it in my Winter ranking, but now it's time to go full force.

No.2: Bad Things - Machine Gun Kelly & Camila Cabello (YE:41)

Where to even BEGIN with this travesty. Well, I guess the most logical starting point is the sample, the thing everyone notices and (hopefully) hates immediately. Now, with the narrowest props I can give them, they didn't COMPLETELY jack the hook, they changed a couple of words. The song isn't like Cheat Codes or like a couple OTHER pop songs released this year (*cough* Goodbye by Mokita & Maty Noyes *cough*) where they just blatantly steal the hook. On the other hand, you lose points by doing something that's somehow even fucking worse.

"Don't matter what you say
Don't matter what you do
I only wanna do bad things to you"

Other than the melody and the opening lines of the hook, the only things they actually take from Fastball's fantastic song Out Of My Head is that last line, where they change "I never mean to do bad things to you" to "I only wanna do bad things to you", which would be a cool thing if this was some sort of abusive relationship, would've made an interesting song. But no, that's a bit too nuanced for these idiots, instead, they chose to be kinky.

They fucking sexualized Out Of My Head. You know, that song about EMOTIONAL PAIN AND REGRET. Absolute fucking scumbags, tarnishing a classic for the "greater good" of giving Tumblr girls a new thing to climax to while Halsey was busy slobbing the knobs of The Chainsmokers. It's not even sexy. Call Side to Side by Ariana Grande vague all you want, but at least the thing she implied was getting fucked so hard that she can't walk straight. Camila squeals she wants to do...bad things. Y'know, those bad things! BDSM, a wristjob, vote for Roy Moore, release her debut album, whatever it is we'll never know.

Speaking of Camila, this performance. Fucking. Y I K E S. I will forever shittalk Camila for her lacking abilities to sing properly, but this is a career worst. Half a dozen sour notes in the chorus that sound like she's having a 2x4 rammed up her vag-wait I already used this joke

*record scratch*

Half a dozen sour notes in the first chorus alone that sounds like Zangief is playing jump rope with her vocal chords, she gets incredibly breathy towards the middle of the hook because she has the vocal chops of a 12 year old boy going through puberty, and overall I'd rather stick my dick in a Ford Focus' fuel neck than listen to this shrill, uncomfortable, Alone Again levels of abysmal chorus.

After that, you think anything would be a saving grace. Enter Machine Gun Kelly, the worst white rapper to hit the mainstream. He doesn't have the goofy charm of Asher Roth, the technical ability of Mac Miller, the (usual) charm of Macklemore, and the relatively solid good picks for features of G-Eazy. I didn't like Lace Up, but I can at least tell it had some passion behind it. 2017 MGK is a sellout who was sick of getting ignored from the mainstream, and by god is he fucking awful. Let me go through this song bar by bar, and you can just witness how fucking wack he is.

"Nothing's that bad
If it feels good
So you come back
Like I knew you would"

That's...not even kinky. Also sick rhymes bro you'll be Big Pun in no time!

"And we're both wild
And the night's young
And you're my drug
Breathe you in 'til my face numb"

Oh, so you're BOTH wild...despite the Genius entry of this song specifically saying Camila is supposed to be this good girl being convinced by the bad boy (you) which would only make ONE of you wild, but I'm not here to nitpick.

Wait yes I am lol. By the way, don't ever tell a girl you're "breathing her in", you'll get your nuts crushed (and not in the way you probably want them to be)

"Drop it down to that bass drum
I got what you dream about"

What kind of fucking Nick At Night rapper tells a girl to "drop it down to that bass drum?" If you want her to shake her ass, just TELL her to shake her ass.

"Nails scratchin' my back tatt
Eyes closed while you scream out"

ok...you're certainly getting closer t-

"And you keep me in with those hips
While my teeth sink in those lips
While your body's giving me life
And you suffocate in my kiss"

Nevermind, you are a TOTAL pussy.


Oh that was just the first verse, don't think we're done yet.

"I want you forever
Even when we're not together
Scars on my body so I can take you wherever
I want you forever"

Aside from the shitty wordplay, the absolute worst part of this pre chorus is how the producer decided to layer both MGK rapping the line and MGK singing the line over each other, which makes me tense up so much, only beaten by when Camila tries to HARMONIZE with MGK rapping the line and MGK singing the line, which is just about the worst fucking thing imaginable. But it happened, on a top 5 hit no less.

"Okay, yeah, I'm insane
But you the same"

She literally isn't. That's the point of your song.

"Let me paint the picture
Couch by the kitchen
Nothin' but your heels on
Losin' our religion
You're my pretty little vixen"

Oh my god this is fucking laughable, EVERYTHING here is just pure cringe. In no way at all is this sexy, the author of My Immortal made stronger fan fiction than this.

But nothing compares to this trainwreck of a production. It starts off with this nice enough little section, and then immediately dives off a fucking cliff faster than you can say "Why the fuck isn't Tunnel Vision on your worst list you fucking idiot". Nothing seems placed properly. The claps are so out of place, the limp bass doesn't belong anywhere NEAR a pop song, there seems to be this skittering sound placed in the very back of the mix that constantly drills through the verses for no fucking reason, and the keys, which I'm sure are what people latch onto, are absolutely worthless. Dime a dozen, it would make Adele vomit. It seems to play random notes at random intervals yet it never picks the right one for the right moment. It clashes with the vocal tracks so hard. It's too awkward to be sensual, and it isn't nearly rough enough to be a literal banger.


That's the biggest problem with this song, it's just so softcore. This is like if the Disney Channel made a sex jam. If you're gonna make a song about rough sex, make a song about rough sex. Make a song about fucking eachother up in the worst of ways. DON'T say you're "losing your religion" or you're "just living between the sheets". It's like a villain's song in an after school special about practicing safe sex or something. It feels like MGK and Camila wanted to make a sexy duet, but they also wanted to put it on radio. So instead of coming up with clever metaphors (or maybe biting the bullet and have some fucking artistic integrity like Tove Lo with "Disco Tits" and just release the song and let the quality speak for itself) they instead watered everything down to the bare minimum where every line just reads "Yeah, I'm gonna do that bad thing/I'm gonna feel pain from that bad thing". MGK says "let me paint the picture" yet I see a blank fucking canvas with black streaks being solid for a million dollars. This song is completely fucking useless. But somehow, it isn't the worst, and neither were these dishonorable mentions.



D.M 1: Don't Wanna Know - Maroon 5 ft Kendrick Lamar (YE: 38)

"Maroon 5 aren't a band" has been a meme for a while now, but we've gotten to the point where "Maroon 5 isn't even real" is a serious possibility.

D.M 2: Now Or Never - Halsey (YE: 59)

That little thing in the verses where she elevates her voice is nice, very rarely do I ever see Halsey attempt to hit a note. Without that it would've made this list.

D.M 3: Tunnel Vision - Kodak Black (YE: 55)

I've seen more than enough people rip this guy, and this song in particular, a new one, so my anger for this song has subsided quite a bit. Kodak Black can still go fuck himself tho.

D.M 4: Look What You Made Me Do - Taylor Swift (YE: 39)

T-Swizzle is bad-izzle

D.M 5: Something Just Like This - The Chainsmokers ft Coldplay (YE: 5)

This somehow soured on me even more, believe it or not. Maybe it has to do with the 400 billion times my radio station played it. It's better than Closer, but honestly, not by that much.

D.M 6: Believer - Imagine Dragons (YE: 9)

This was one of the 10 biggest songs of the year. This loud, bone crushing, screamo mixed with folk rock bullshit. I'm fucking amazed.

D.M 7: Havana - Camila Cabello ft Young Thug (YE: 96)

lol

D.M 8: Body Like a Back Road - Sam Hunt (YE: 8)

Yeah, you all thought this would be No.1 didn't you? Well, things change, and if I'm being honest with myself, I can't put this on the list. I really don't hate it as much as I let on, most of it comes from the fact it's basically a pop song trying to disguise itself as a country song, which isn't enough of a reason to slap it on a worst list, let alone at the top. So yes, it is a VERY stupid song, but we had stupider. FOR EXAMPLE:


I fucking hate this

We all overlooked this song, no one even noticed it made the YE (or cared, let's be honest).

But I did

I knew ALL along

Time to tear this piece of shit apart.

No.1: Small Town Boy - Dustin Lynch (YE: 94)

This song was COMPLETELY overlooked over 2017, probably because it only barely broke the top 40 and debuted the same week that It's Everyday Bro did, letting it sneak under the radar. I couldn't fucking believe it, I waited to see if anyone else talked about this shit, but everyone ignored it, and that surprised me, because this is one of the slimiest, messiest, most disgusting country songs I've ever heard. It was fine at first, but then as the year went on it filled me with RAGE and...

and...

...

...yeah I'm just fucking with you lmao

*cracks knuckles* let's go Sam Hunt, you piece of shit


No.1 (but actually this time): Body Like a Back Road - Sam Hunt (YE: 8)

The charts have been through a lot of bullshit. A PG BDSM anthem topping pop radio, former boy band members hopping on trends from 3 years ago ALSO topping pop radio, trap becoming by far the biggest thing in the mainstream, all stuff that upsets me. But nothing pisses me off more than this sack of fucking pig intestines becoming the biggest country hit of the past 5 years as well as topping the country charts for OVER 30 WEEKS.

I really like country music, believe it or not. Not even traditional or indie country, I love pop country! Late 2000s Keith Urban, Josh Turner, Jake Owen, Brett Young, all have made fantastic songs! Hell, I will even submit to Sam Hunt himself having 1 (*maybe* 2) solid songs! But this, Body Like a Back Road, is a fucking abomination. Now I can go on about how terrible it is (which I will) but the main reason this is No.1 is this: People hate bro-country. It's a fact, there's a reason we got rid of it. So why in the FUCK do people like this. Allow me to go point by point and illustrate why in the dear holy fuck this making the TOP 10 OF BILLBOARD makes absolutely no sense

THE PRODUCTION
Ever since the genre blew up, we shit on how weird bro country was. This awkward fusion of pop and country with elements of hip hop thrown into it, it sounded absolutely ridiculous and not at all pleasant. So why is it that when we get a country song with a main, prominent feature in the production being fucking gang vocals do we call it a bop? This sounds fucking horrendous. The guitar is nasal as shit and feels like someone is ejaculating into my ear, the percussion is fucking pathetic, and the organ wants to commit suicide (woo!). It's the musical equivalent of scraping your face against...well, a dirt road.

THIS DUMBASS FUCKING METAPHOR
Country music will forever be a silly genre, we've come to expect this. It's what drives most people away, how the content can seem relatively cheesy and make people roll their eyes. But apparently now we're fine with something as mindless and horrific as "Body Like A Back Road?" It sounds like a meme for gods sake. It's raised the age old question, why IS this girl's body like a back road? Dirty with worms? Filled with holes in all the wrong places? Rednecks love going down on them? Oh ok, it's ACTUALLY because while regular roads are always straight (except they totally fucking aren't, but let's just roll with it), back roads are curvy. So you like this chick's body because it has curves.

Look I get it, when writing songs, sometimes you gotta throw everything at the wall to see what sticks. You gotta splatter-shot that shit and pick the 1 thing that looks decent. But this couldn't have been the right one, right? While yes, the metaphor works, you are calling your girl a fucking ROAD. If I compared my girl to Hitler but said "You're like Hitler because you're very powerful and stand up for what you believe in", that's not the first thing people are going to pick up.

SAM HUNT IS A BAG OF DICKS
Sam Hunt, like a lot of country singers, sound dumb. Most people don't like the twang a lot of singers in this genre have, and I get that honestly. However, are you really going to tell me this fucking moron is better? Does he have charisma? Relatively, but it's all in the wrong places. This is bare none one of the most obnoxious vocal performances I've ever heard. The way he emphasizes words and elongates them at the worst possible moments makes me want to hurl (ugh, gives me fucking Cha Ching flashbacks). While he doesn't have the twang, Sam Hunt absolutely nails the smugness and sleaziness that underlies the worst of country songs, making his voice favourable to single moms and nobody else. What was he even going for? He seems to be reaching for happily confused for some god forsaken reason. "Like, wow, it took my SIX weeks to pick up this girl! Y'know, usually I just be a manipulative psychopath to get what I want, but it feels a lot smoother when you work for it, y'know?

And if anyone tells me Sam Hunt sounds sexy, you should be fucking crucified.

THIS WAS WRITTEN BY SAM HUNT'S GENITALS
Country remains the corniest genre on the planet almost entirely from what is being said. Lots of overused phrases and weird lines that really won't connect with you unless you were literally raised in a barn. But holy fuck Sam Hunt topped EVERYONE. There are some rage inducing lines here, such as:

"Had to get her number, it took me like six weeks
Now me and her go way back like Cadillac seats"

I hope your neck goes way back and you fucking snap it

"Body like a back road, drivin' with my eyes closed"

I know this is supposed to mean "I know my wife's body so well I don't even need to look where I'm going", but it *really* sounds like you just couldn't be bothered to look at your wife's body

...are you...

a f r a i d  o f  s e x ?


"Doin' 15 in a 30, I ain't in no hurry
I'ma take it slow just as fast as I can"

Bragging about how slow you go at sex is somehow just as embarrassing as bragging about how fast you are at sex, which for some reason you decided to do both. I hope your wife isn't to upset about it.

"The way she fit in them blue jeans, she don't need no belt
But I can turn them inside out, I don't need no help"

DON'T TURN YOUR JEANS INSIDE OUT JUST FUCKING TAKE THEM OFF LIKE A REGULAR HUMAN BEING GOD FU-

"Got hips like honey, so thick and so sweet"

I'm not even dignifying this one with a proper response, it's just fucking stupid

"Get there when we get there
Every inch is a mile"

ok this just sounds like you're trying to overcompensate for your dick size or something

...maybe I WAS right


This song legitimately offends me. The fact people will ignore Chris Lane, Chris Stapleton, Jake Owen, Jon Pardi, and countless other names but endorse THIS shit because it's just pop and catchy enough for white girls to shake their asses to makes me visibly fucking angry. Easily the Worst Hit Songs Of 2017, both this song and this year can fucking bite me. See you in a couple week for the best list where I'll be a lot less funny, but a lot happier as well. Win some, lose some I guess, and for 2017, I fucking lost.