I Fall Apart - Post Malone (SONG REVIEW)

                                      

I cannot believe we have gotten to this point. I did NOT start this blog so I could see this dipshit on my schedule.

In case you didn't notice, Post Malone's career has made the biggest 180 I've seen in a while. He went from an absolute fucking joke, this high school jerk off who can't sing, rap, or flow to save his life whether you believe he's appropriating black culture or not, to suddenly becoming this fucking A-Lister (yes, A-LISTER) with a No.1 hit, multiple top 40 singles and a certified platinum album with relative critical acclaim (despite it being so mind numbing, a Xanax filled bitch fest that even trap nut suckers like Pitchfork couldn't fucking endorse). Seems like we're looking at another Chainsmokers situation here. Granted, Post Malone isn't THAT size yet, he could completely fizzle out in 6 months for all I know. But what I DO know is that he deserves to: because Post Malone is the most useless artist currently working. That isn't to discredit him for trying, I listened to "Stoney" and did clearly notice all the differing subjects he tried to cover: drugged states of self contemplation, depression to degrees only big celebrities with enormous amounts of pressure could really feel and relate to, as well as heartbreak from gold diggers with the occasional inspirational "I did it mom :)" pseudo-inspirational tracks crossed with flexing that sound like if Skylar Grey tried to perform a Lil B song (or frankly, vice versa). He tries his hardest, he doesn't just throw songs together for the sake to please high school white boys that haven't heard a hip hop project released before So Far Gone by Drake. Post Malone tries, I'll give him that. The problem is that he's just fucking talentless. His ear for beats is always the same hazy, blown out atmosphere that more often than not are mixing nightmares, his writing ranges from your standard luxury porn to whiny, Pinkerton-era Weezer levels of pathetic without the self awareness, and overall Posty Matoasty just has 0 impact as a rapper, singer, or performer. He's only enjoyable if you're in the *exact* same mood HE'S in, which is a blown out high where everything is either rainbows or demons, depending on if his bitches let him fuck them or not.

So, in 2017, he's killing it. While everyone is rushing to cover "rockstar" ft 21 Savage because it somehow hit the top spot on Billboard, I'm a lot more interested in the song that got collateral success because of it: I Fall Apart, a deep cut on his latest album that I do not remotely remember as by this point in the album (about 25 minutes in) my mind was completely fucking wasted. So, did the public pick a good one to blow up the charts with? Did Post Malone surprise me?


In a way, sure he did. He certainly didn't surprise me in a "holy shit this is fire" sort of way, but more in a "this is fucking hilarious" sort of way. That's right, The Post Malone Hate Train is going full speed ahead on this one.

Now, "I Fall Apart" is obviously about Post Malone getting his Tongue Tied ruining ass dumped. I haven't personally been dumped, but I can completely understand the emotional weight that would come crashing down onto you. But Christ dude, it doesn't have to be THIS melodramatic does it?

"She told me that I'm not enough, yeah
And she left me with a broken heart, yeah
She fooled me twice and it's all my fault, yeah"

Now reading like Playboi Carti guest starring on a Simple Plan song aside, Post admits that despite how much it hurts, this is obviously his fault. He knew it was coming, he's had relationships shrivel down into nothing just like this one did, he had this on lock and blew it. So why, a MINUTE later, does he immediately start contradicting himself trying to blame it on her?

"Devil in the form of a whore"

Did he even fucking read what he was writing? Was he downing too many shots of Hennessy to understand what the fuck he was saying? I get that insulting the girl makes sense in this situation considering how she treated him, but

a) He already said HE himself fucked up

b) Wouldn't a "that bitch!" would've sufficed? Was "devil in the form of a whore" really necessary for a break up where she didn't even cheat on you?


After unpacking the ridiculous slip ups in the lyrics, the track becomes just...pathetic.

"Never caught a feelin' this hard
Harder than the liquor I pour"

I mean come on, that's just funny. I don't care what kind of trash you bump in your whip, THAT shit is funny. Side note: "Catch feelings" is a dumb phrase. Always has been, always will be.

"Whippin' in the foreign and the tears keep blowin'"

I can't help but laugh trying to envision this: Post Malone driving his Mercedes with some expensive alcohol in one hand and half a dozen gold chains on his neck while he drives down a highway with tears blowing into the wind behind him. Well, at least he knows his audience, I guess.

Reading these fan fiction level storytelling is funny sure, but what really sells everything is the production. Post Malone, the chill, cool rapper/singer guy, who's always jovial and fucked up on SOMETHING he shot into his veins, is moaning like a fucking beached whale over twinkling piano keys and a stripped back acoustic guitar, which is just the poster child instrumentation for "I don't know how to set a mood so let's pick the saddest down-tempo instruments as possible". But the best part, the BEST part, is the chorus. The chorus is where Post Malone opens up, he's at his most emotional, and wants to convey how much of a sadboi he is to you. Right as he does that, a flurry of trap hi-hats come in and completely clash any sort of vibe he could have possibly been going for. Individually they sound boring as tar and so sappy and dull that Lana Del Rey would pimp slap you for even assuming she would want it. In harmony, the production sounds fucking abysmal. It's all just so laughable. "But Tech, Post Malone is pouring his heart into this song! He's being so emotional!" That does not at all mean his performance is good. Halsey can cry millions of tears onto a track and I'd still say she's a piece of fucking cardboard with an octave range of a raisin.

Here's the kicker: Real emotion doesn't mean jack diddly fuck if it's not believable. Why should I believe Post Malone of all people is hurt from a break-up? Because he *said* he was? Yeah, and I said this review would come out today (Oct. 28th, 2017), doesn't mean it's true. Post Malone just sounds like a whiny bitch that's mad he didn't break up with her first. You could say his whiny squeals are what makes this song work, and sure, I can buy that. But to me, I cannot stop clowning this dude. It's also *really* hard for me to feel sorry for you and your woes when every other line you flex about your jewelry and fancy car and how rich you are! If you are going to make a song as mopey and face palm worthy like this, could you at least throw the luxury items out of it for once?

Overall this is just embarrassing. I can't take this dogshit seriously. I didn't think the public cared about when these generic trap rappers WEREN'T fucking bitches and WEREN'T getting money, but I guess here we are. Let's hope this doesn't become a trend, because my stomach can't take stuff like this in the top 40 every month. As for Post Malone, I hope your career falls apart. Unfortunately for me, I don't think that's happening anytime soon.

0/5