Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2016

Well, 2016 was surely an interesting year, wasn't it?



Actually, It really wasn't interesting. Not in the slightest. It was both a boring year & a bad one at the same time, which doesn't happen quite often (even though I'd argue it was the same case with 2013, but that's another list that I'll never do for another time). Everything just seemed so stale. Not just in chart movements, but the songs themselves. Part of what made 2015 so fantastic was how fuckin weird a lot of the songs were. This year we just got the most flat & bass heavy RnB, lifeless molasses-tempo hip-hop, EDM that tried it's best to make the worst drops possible & see if the public would let them get away with it, and stagnent pop music with the slightest reggae influence in it, which got boring REAL fucking quick. But, enough stalling. Let's get onto the dishonorable mentions before I pop a blood vessel.


D.M 1: Never Be Like You - Flume ft Kai

I'll be blunt with you, this song didn't make the list because I have no idea how to properly explain why I hate it. But believe me, do I fucking hate it. Still better than Wall Fuck tho.


D.M 2: Don't - Bryson Tiller

Sludgy, douchey, but most important of all: boring.


D.M 3: Middle - DJ Snake ft Bipolar Sunshine

The fall of a legend. Well, if 2.5 amazing songs count as a "legend" anyways.


D.M 4: Back To Sleep - Chris Brown

This makes the D.Ms solely for the chorus. Even for the Brass Knuckle Fuckwit better known as Chris Brown, the phrase "fuck you back to sleep girl" is disgusting. No matter how you say it, no matter what words you emphasize, you'll sound like a fucking asshole.


D.M 5: H.O.L.Y (High on Loving You) - Florida Georgia Line

Embarrassing on many levels, but mainly on surface level. "You're holy, and I'm High on Loving You (H.O.L.Y)"? Really?


D.M 6: Let It Go - James Bay

Sappy, poorly structured, and just irritating to listen to. Like this dudes voice is just awful. Fortunately, he'll probably never have another hit in the U.S ever again.


D.M 7: i hate u i love u - gnash ft olivia o'brian

this is a special level of bland. the piano is sterile & has no build up, gnash has a fucking atrocious flow coupled with a boring voice, and olivia...well, her voice sounds fine, which is what saves this from making the list, but u better not think that saves me from mentioning this trash.

Well, I guess this is it huh. I'm committed at this point. Here is the Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2016!

If I'm being honest, I'm not sure if this artist was ever any good. As far as I'm concerned, she had a fluke masterpiece as her first hit, and then coasted the rest of the way on mediocre shit, similar to Imagine Dragons. And if "Lights" was her "It's Time", this is her "I Bet My Life".

No. 10: On My Mind - Ellie Goulding

Ah yes, Ellie Goulding. Easily the most overrated pop star of the decade. Now I loved Lights as much as the next guy, but besides that? Ehhhhhhh, Burn was ok I guess, but Love Me Like You Do was atrocious, she single-handily ruined 2 of the better Calvin Harris productions I've heard, and she was easily the worst part of the massive flop Powerful by Major Lazer (which is actually kinda great shut up). But this has got to be her worst song yet. In case you lived under a rock (or finally made the smart decision of deleting Twitter forever, something I am incapable of doing), this is a "response" to Ed Sherrans brilliant song "Dont", which was about their relationship together where Ed explains that Ellie Goulding is basically a cheating whore. Now, ever since I heard that song, I was desperately waiting for Ellie to make a song in response, but fuck me I was NOT expecting this. I mean this is just pathetic. Ellie doesn't even bother to defend herself here, she just kinda acknowledges the situation. So on lyrics alone, it's a failure. But I'd be fine with that. I have, and always will be, a production guy. A melody guy. A vocals guy. And of course, as expected, she strikes out on all 3. Flat beat, percussion that's just worthless & shoved so far back you don't even notice it unless you're actively searching it out (kinda like Ellie Gouldings new music), and this melody. This fucking melody. It's just so unworkable & forces her into this more fast-paced, almost nasal delivery that's just unbearable. This song was so bad it basically killed her career, and I can't say I'm too sad about it.



I can say for a fact that no one expected this to make my list, especially since I liked it at one point. But oh have the times changed.

No. 9: Starving - Hailee Steinfeld ft Grey & Zedd

I had to put this song on the list on structure alone. On the surface, it seems like your average 2016 pop song: bland with a bit of electronic influence in it with a shitty drop. But even a layer deep, it's an absolute disaster. I can't believe that 2 people produced this, and somehow the mix is this loosely tied together. The guitar sounds like absolute cancer (and is REALLY content on reminding you that it's a real guitar), the snaps & snares make everything feel empty rather then filling up space like they should be, and the drop is a contest between Zedd & Grey on who could make the thinner, cheaper synth line. It creates such a sour sound. The melody is a wreck as well. Steinfeld sounds like she's both over emphasizing & under emphasizing at the same time, each line is either delivered either too fast or too slow, and is overall just pitiful to listen to. It's a song that's is more annoying to think about than to listen to, which is definitely what I'd say about these lyrics:

"By the way, right away, you do things to my body"

Possibly the dumbest way to get that message across.

"I didn't know that I was starving til I tasted you"

Only mildly disgusting, and not clever in the slightest.

"Don't need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo"

...just fucking stupid.

The whole song is just cluttered with minor slip ups. How it wasn't higher than this I have no idea, but I somehow found 8 songs I'd say are worse.



Oh Charlie Puth, you piece of garbage.

No. 8: One Call Away - Charlie Puth

I don't have much to really say about this one. I hate it, you hate it, we all fucking hate it. The most limp drums to ever grace a pop song in the last 6 years, a piano line that could have been ripped straight from GarageBand for all I know, and we have to deal with Charlie Puth, Teddy Geiger mixed with Sam Smith. As a vocalist, he has always been terrible. But here, he isn't even funny-bad, and I am the KING of funny-bad. At least in shit like Suffer I can laugh the pain away, but here he just sounds bored. And these lyrics are NOT helping. All of them vary from cringey to just eye-rollingly awful. They paint Charlie as so pathetic & so fucking desperate I honestly feel sorry for him. Actually, I don't, because if this was as sincere as he was trying to make it, he wouldn't have 5 other writers make this trash. Charlie Puth, believe me, you are no Superman. Aquaman seems more your speed.



Ok, so have you ever lived in an apartment complex, or even visited a hotel, and there's that fucking dickhead upstairs who had his dad buy him an acoustic guitar for his 17th birthday? And since he's a desperate teen that wants to unleash his true powers as a pussy destroyer, he tries to learn Smoke On The Water/Wonderwall to pick up chicks? And they start off horribly for the first month & just keep on replaying the same fucking strum over & over & keep fucking it up, eventually causing you to drive your fist into your ceiling? Well, this is that experience in song form.

No. 7: Cake By The Ocean - DNCE

This song was a hit for over half the year. It was on the radio for the whole year. I can't fucking stand it. Swear to god, this bass line gives me fucking PTSD. It's just the same "dun, dunduhduhduhduh dun" looped on repeat over and over again, drives me up a fucking wall. But that doesn't even crack the surface of this songs problems. For starters, the lyrics! Now I understand that the former non-sexual, extremely religious member of the Jonas Brothers wants to hit the ground running by completely murdering that image entirely (his brother did the same thing). But Christ, was THIS the way he had to do it? Cake By The Ocean = Sex on The Beach huh. Yeah...after that one abomination 4 years ago, we don't use cake as a way to describe anything sexual. It's creepy, awkward, a major mood killer, and most fittingly; tasteless. Oh Joe Jonas, you are such a silly man, it's like you still have the same shitty sense of humor you had when you were 18. As well as the same vocals. Screw Adam Levine, I would cut off my right ear with a butter knife if Joe would stop using his fucking falsetto. But nothing will top how he says "you're fucking delicious" as the sole line of the bridge. It's like some low-quality ASMR shit. Thankfully, I think the public were done with DNCE after this song. Their followup, "Toothbrush" flopped hard, and when Fall Out Boy returns, they will sweep DNCE under the rug & return as the only rock band in the mainstream. Good riddance for that.



Predictable Choice No.1: You're a cunt.

No. 6: NO - Meghan Trainor

I'm actually surprised how low this ended up, I thought it would be top 3 for sure. But, I guess that's 2016 for ya. Unfortunately, that doesn't make this song any less atrocious. I mean wow, fucking up a pop song is one thing, fucking up an already perfected formula is another thing ENTIRELY. Everyone can tell after 40 seconds how hard this song is trying to jack that late 90s-Early 2000s Max Martain pop sound, and it is fascinating how horribly Meghans producers fuck it up. Who would've thought that the same dude who produced Wiggle by Jason Derulo wouldn't understand how to make a hook? I mean, the verses themselves aren't AWFUL, per say, sure the bass is completely out of place, the percussion sounds like something you could make with your mouth, but it at least later turns into a pretty decent build up. Then the hook happens, and the song just falls directly onto it's nuts. Or I guess in this case since it's Meghan Trainor we're talkin about here, the song falls on it's "breasteses". This hook sounds flat as fuuuuuuccckkkk. The awful whistling, the auto tuned zipper sound effect that doesn't belong in ANY song, let alone this one, and it just sounds so fucking empty. I mean on the 2nd half of the chorus Meghan tries to put SOME sort of melody & effort into it, but the ship has sailed, the sound of the song is fucked. And safe to say the lyrics aren't much better. Look, I GET what this song was going for. The message here isn't bad. I mean I haven't been in a club since I am under aged/a loser, but I'm sure there are plenty of creepy douchebags trying to hit on you Meghan. You should be able to just say no and be over with it. But, that *isn't* what this song is. Is this guy really doing ANYTHING wrong?

"First you gonna say/You ain't runnin' game/Thinkin' I'm believing every word"

Alright that's fair enough. I mean there's always the chance he ISN'T trying to get into your pants, but so far, mood is about neutral. Now what does he do that's REALLY bad?

"Call me beautiful, so original"

...ok I'll give you a narrow pass on this one I guess. Not sure how compliments are warning signs to you, but whatever.

"Telling me I'm not like other girls"

Aight diva, that's strike 2. Try to at least bunt the fuckin ball this time.

"Thank you in advance/I don't wanna dance (nope)/I don't need your hands all over me"

Ehh, fair. I guess you need to know the guy a bit more. I get that. Still not enough, but fair.

"I'm feeling untouchable, untouchable/I'm feeling untouchable, untouchable/I'm feeling untouchable, untouchable"

...wait how did this song start again?

"I think it's so cute and I think it's so sweet/How you let your friends encourage you to try and talk to me"

Oh. My. God. You are so fucking full of yourself. I don't even want to talk about this anymore, just get this the fuck out of my face.



Oh high school drama, my favourite. Now, I've been involved in some myself, so I feel I'm free to talk about shit like this. Long story short, it is simultaneously hell on Earth & the funniest shit of all time. Guess which one this garbage heap falls under.

No. 5: Hide Away - Daya

Let's get the harmless stuff out of the way first & work our way up. Daya's vocals are...odd. I can't quite explain what about them I despise, but all I know is I can't fucking stand them. Not only that, but the production does not match her at all. This is some shit Ellie Goulding should be performing on. It's airy, extremely lightweight, and very bland. But then you get a stale drum machine & shitty percussion that both get drowned out by everything around them. It makes such an awkward, useless sound and I don't get how anyone could stand it. But of course, all that is nowhere near as bad as these lyrics. Dear fucking lord. I've seen people defend this song by saying "Oh give her a break, she's only 17!", which is bullshit. I'm 16, and no one I know that's her age or younger would be fucking stupid enough to write this. Daya, if you really think all the good boys are "hiding away" from you, you obviously aren't looking very fucking hard. Of course, I wouldn't blame them from hiding from you after this song, because you make yourself out to be the most needy, egotistical, *borderline* sexist bitch on Earth. This was written with a mindset of someone who doesn't understand what dating is like outside of mid 2000s teen movies.

"Boys seem to like the girls/Who laugh at anything/The ones who get undressed/Before the second date/Girls seem to like the boys/Who don't appreciate/All the money and the time that it takes"

So all guys you know only like girls who put out & like to have a good time? I mean, maybe it's just because I'm some sexist pig with no emotions, but yeah, I see nothing wrong with this.

"Boys seem to like the girls/Who like to kiss and tell/Talking them up about the things they do so well/But I'd rather find a boy/Who is down for the chase/Putting in the time that it takes"

So all the guys you know only like girls who compliment said guy, and just treat him like a regular significant other, and what you want is a guy that's "down for the chase"

...what?

This song is so disgusting to me. Just such a massive failure. How the fuck does she still have a career?



Jesus Christ P!nk, what the FUCK are you doing?

No. 4: Just Like Fire - P!nk

Let's disregard the fact of how disappointing that P!nk, the more mature & less bitchy musical sister of Avril Lavigne, has now resorted to making soundtrack fodder for garbage movies like Alice In Wonderland. Instead, let's focus how fucking horrible this song is & how it fails on every (well, 1) level it was going for. The song premise itself is very simple: self empowerment/self esteem anthem. Simple enough, or at least you'd think. But it doesn't work in the slightest. Using the metaphor of "fire" as something positive in this sort of context never works. Fire is too wild, it's uncontrolled, it's dangerous, deathly even. Now I wish I could point out all of the weird "empowering" lines, but there really *aren't* any. It's hard to explain. It's a situation where it gives you just enough to understand the concept, but not enough to delve any further. Me critiquing these lyrics would be the equivalent of reviewing a movie I've only seen the trailer of. Plus, I'm sure a bunch of other people will thrash this song, & they'd do a better job than I would have anyways. So lets talk about how fucking horrendous this sound. I mean Christ, what is going on. Basic guitar chords, percussion & drums that barely exist, and claps on the prechorus. Then the chorus hits with the same stuff but played at different volumes, but with a very audible popping sounds. Aaaannnnnddddd that's it. Nothing. But somehow with all the little it has, it still sounds overproduced as fuck & just doesn't work with whatever the fuck you want to call P!nks performance. I mean Christ girl, this is a new level of phoning it in. And don't even get me started with the rap bridge where she sounds like fucking Parrapa the Rapper. Yes, P!nk raps. RAPS. Ugh, this is just a slog to get through. But despite how completely incompetent this is, I can't get too worked up over this, ultimately leaving it out of the top 3. The others past it however...oh boy, my blood boils.



Predictable Choice No. 2: You're a dick (*insert fedora joke relating to TheDoubleAgent here*)

No. 3: Treat You Better - Shawn Mendes

This is going to end up on EVERYBODIES worst list. I already know it. So I'm not even gonna bother talking about it. I don't want to talk about it, and I'm sure you don't want to fucking hear about it either. But my thoughts of this song basically boils down to Shawn Mendes being a fucking disappointment after making the amazing song Something Big (which was a CA hit not a US hit. Fuck you America) that he has to now resort to being Justin Beiber mixed with John Mayor mixed with reddit like oh my fucking god Mendes you are such a dick I fucking hate you, I hate your shit album, AND I hate your shit fucking fan base.

That is all.



I'm sure all of you were expecting me to talk about this at one point, but I doubt any of you thought it would've ended up THIS high. Higher than Dayas petty high school drama horseshit, higher than P!nk wasting all her talent, higher than Meghan Trainor being a cunt as usual, higher than Shawn fucking Mendes, the Fedora'd white knight hiding in the darkness that we DIDN'T fucking need? Well guess what, it is. So, without further ado:

*rubs hands together* It's time to get controversial!

No. 2: Closer - The Chainsmokers

 I know a lot of you like this song, and I'm sure some of you even love it. But, (IN MY OPINION) this fails on every single level it possibly can, all the way up to the opening lyric. The "hey" shit became a meme for a reason; it's because it's fucking ridiculous. Just a very weakly sang 1 syllable word from our very weakly voiced Rainmaker douche, who decided to pick up the mic this time for some godawful reason, which is then followed by 2 full seconds of dead air. It's so awkward & off putting to listen to. I know it seems like I'm overreacting, but this shit just seems like a basic thing that is very easy to fix (and if the Coldtoasters are as amazing & clever as they say they are, this mistake is very fucking simple to fix). Maybe if it was sang by a better singer, I could buy into it (I doubt it). But, ugh, I'm sorry, the LaneBoyers are producers for a reason. This dude does not have nearly the charisma or even sleaziness to pull this type of song off (and I think despite the Cocaine-rollers massive overbearing egos, even he kinda knows this). The problem isn't his lack of pipes, it's that he doesn't seem like he's emoting at all. His whole verse just feels so empty to me. Thank god the chorus makes up for it by being just as annoying in the other direction. You got the Dickstrokers vocals getting somehow even more annoying as he tries to go up by like 1/8th of an octave, these really high pitched backing vocals that are so thin & wirey I mistook them for a synth the first dozen times I heard it, and of course the infamous drop that's just these 3 simple notes, progressively getting louder & more blaring. Absolutely awful. Halsey is featured on the song, and her verse is...almost acceptable? Her voice is still annoying & grating with the minimal effects put onto them, and there's a couple of weird lines thrown in there (like that dumb Blink-182 one, it servers no purpose and they don't even reference a song. D-), but it's mostly bland & forgettable. And besides, her vocals sound like fucking Warrior-Era Kesha compared to Thing 1 from the Cockholsters. I can at least tell Halsey was TRYING here. Not very much mind you, but she's at least making sure not to be an absolute embarrassment (After all, I'm pretty sure she did enough of that on her last album). But while the verses lyrics aren't awful, the hook sure as fuck is. Forget how stilted & dumb the lyrics SOUND, the actual content is...somethin else all together.

"So, baby, pull me closer/In the back seat of your Rover/That I know you can't afford/Bite that tattoo on your shoulder/Pull the sheets right off the corner/Of that mattress that you stole/From your roommate back in Boulder/We ain't ever getting older"

This just sounds...wrong.

Like, I'm all for playfully deprecating close ones to you. As far as I'm concerned, if you can't make fun of each other (no matter what relationship it may be: Friends, Family, Lovers, whatever), then the bond isn't very strong. THIS however, is WAY too over the top. The Rickrollers have always unfortunately had their massive egos bleed into their lyrics & end up flooding the whole track, but it's never been THIS bad. Mr. Justin Beiber on sleeping pills over here reminding this girl of her weird tattoos, reminding her of that car she has that she of course can't afford to keep, and even of that filthy bug-infested mattress she stole from her roommate back in college or something, let alone saying all this RIGHT as they're about to get it on. But hey, it doesn't matter! Cause they're "Never getting older!". How about you chain smoke each others dicks you fucking scumbags. It's so douchey, so degrading, and just such a fucking awful way to approach pop music. But remember what I said way earlier, I could look past this. ALL of it. As long as the music sounds great, I really don't care. And this ESPECIALLY applies to an EDM song, as no ones really gonna care about lyrics when they're dancing & turnin up in a club, right? Believe it or not, this song didn't make it this high from the lyrics. This song made it this high because it sounds like fucking S H I T. I loved Roses, I really liked Don't Let Me Down, but THIS? I don't even know what to say. How can anyone dance to this? It's so fucking barren. Weak snaps, a couple of shitty notes, percussion that BASICALLY doesn't fucking exist, and a synth line that just decides to do whatever the fuck it feels like. It's so ungodly boring, genuinely frustrating to get through. Those breaks between words they randomly take may seem like small little things at first, but dear god on repeated listens they become the bane of your fucking existence.

I hate this song, I truly. Fucking. Hate it. However, one song did manage to not only piss me off more, but it also reminded me how awful this artists potential can truly be.

But before that: Let's build up the suspense & tension by quickly running through some minor hits that sucked major ass that DIDN'T make the year end list, round robin style.

New Americana - Halsey: Hard to not cut yourself on all this edge.

Good To Be Alive - Andy Grammar: The hardest shift in tone I've ever heard. And definitely one of the worst ones as well. It'd be in my top 3 if it was a hit.

Snapback - Old Dominion: Fucking stupid

Song For Another Time - Old Dominion: Fucking stupid

Youth - Troye Sivan: This dude is just straight up terrible. Give this to Bieber and it'd probably be tolerable.

T-Shirt - Thomas Rhett: Fucking atrocious, but not even bottom 5 of it's album.

Messin Around - Pitbull ft Enrique Iglesias: The worst song of both of their careers.

Childs Play - Drake: Fucking embarrassing.

Make You Miss Me - Sam Hunt: Haha, more like Sam CUNT! *laugh track*

She's Got a Way With Words - Blake Shelton: Shockingly dumb.

and now, for number 1...



Inexcusable.

No.1: Me Too - Meghan Trainor

Every year I see how people could have different No. 1s than I do. But this should have been unanimously chosen as the Worst hit of 2016 because dear fucking lord. This song would have placed No. 1 on sound alone. This obnoxious sqaunking bass that sounds like a light saber going through a garbage disposal, percussion that doesn't know what the FUCK it's doing, and of course, like Meghan Trainor fashion, a bunch of bleeps, bloops, & whatever random noises this producer could find online for free. All these combined sounds give the song such a weird light but grimy sort of sound, making it absolutely unsalvagable. And all of this gets pushed off the fucking Grand Canyon by Meghan Trainor herself, with easily her worst performance to date. Now I know that Meghan's sort of shtick now is to do this sassy rapping that kinda sounds like Britney Spears performance on her cover of I Love Rock & Roll sped up mixed with Fergalicious Fergie, both of which are somehow more respectable. Whatever you want to call it, I can't stand it, and this is the worst she's ever sounded, ESPECIALLY on this hook. It's stilted, awkward, dull, limp, grating, and a bunch of other generic negative terms us critics like to use. But if we want to talk about stilted, fuck the hook, let's talk about the performance from Meghan as a whole. On the verses she sounds like Britney Spears, on the prechorus she sounds like Christina Augilera with lung cancer, on the hook she sounds like Rihanna drunk off her ass, and on the bridge she sounds like Becky G if she snorted a bunch of Pixie Sticks trying to escape the depression known as working with Dr. Luke. It has no structure or thought put into it, which is exactly what I'd say about these lyrics. Oh dear lord, where to start. It's a brag rap & a self empowerment anthem disguise that's actually just more ego driven brag rap combined into 1, which despite sounding like the scummiest thing on Earth, is something I could actually tolerate. After all, this can also apply to Inner Ninja & 3 Foot Tall by Classified, both being songs I fucking love. But Meghan Trainor is no Classified. Her rapping as I said earlier is terrible, she's surprisingly more offbeat than you think, & her bars range from awful to downright embarrassing to worst lines of the fucking year.

"What's that icy thing hangin' 'round my neck?/That's gold, show me some respect"

Oh trust me, after you hear this bullshit, respect is the LAST thing she's gonna deserve. Now let's examine that hook shall we?

"If I was you, I'd wanna be me, too/I'd wanna be me, too/I'd wanna be me, too/If I was you, I'd wanna be me, too/I'd wanna be me, too/I'd wanna be me, too"

Ah yes, saying you are better than the listener, my favourite type of self empowerment. Also, if you are so hellbent on telling the audience how much cooler you are than them that you shift a whole hook around it & push it as a single, then you probably are very insecure about yourself. In simpler words, imagine "Shake It Off" by T-Swizzle if she had the ego of Hopsin.

"My life's a movie. Tom Cruise/So bless me, baby, achoo"

Wow. Written fuckin poetry, aint it? Also, you're comparing your life to a Tom Cruise movie? Well, you aint no Mission Impossible. Or a Top Gun, for that matter. You seem more like a Austin Powers: Goldmember kind of gal.

The part where I lose my sanity is the bridge. I can take Meghan saying how much she's better than me. I've listened to bottom 40 rap hits, I'm used to it. But on the bridge, she literally starts laughing at you. Not just laughing, because if you watched the music video (because apperently those matter now), she is laughing directly at YOU. Because to her, you're fucking useless. No one can touch the untouchable goddess known as Meghan Trainor. You fucking cunt. I hate this. This drives me crazy. Sure it sounds like shit, it reads like shit, but songs are even worse when they are actively attempting to make you FEEL like shit. The overblown ego, the entitlement, and how smug this trashy bitch thinks she is. Thank You only went Gold this year, and I can't wait for her follow up to flop, and watch Meghans career sink & dwindle into absolutely nothing. And this, ladies and gentleman, is the Worst Hit of 2016 by a fucking mile. Hopefully 2017 will be better, because I'll be damned if music gets any worse than this.