As the year winds down, us music nerds start paying more and more attention to the Billboard Year End list(s). The list that most of us guideline our musical lists by, and the list that determines the 100 biggest songs of the year. But like most algorithms, there's a massive flaw that unfortunately can't be fixed: songs getting "caught between years" or "caught inbetween lists". These are songs that are undisputed hits (albeit not smashes) that start charting around October that end up charting in both 2016 AND 2017, thus having it's charting points split between 2 years. This upsets a lot of people because there are songs that get shafted from a big important list just because of when they were released, that all these great songs have their chances ripped from them! Well, I picked out the 5 biggest ones that guaranteed would have made 2017 YE list if it counted all their weeks. Now it's time to explain why they're all fucking garbage.
In The Name of Love - Martin Garrix ft Bebe Rexha
So this is the one that is arguably the "least bad", but I'm still not really a fan. Now this was before I stanned Bebe Rexha, so I didn't really think she did that great of a job. But on relisten, she sounds pretty great, I can't blame her. Even if she sounded like Charlie XCX with a throat infection, I still couldn't blame her because there is no pop singer in existence who could have salvaged this production. These verses are EMPTY. Man I sure do love one indistinguishable instrument and that's it, really sets the tone of "love" that they were trying to go for. Actually, it fits perfectly! Love: Emptiness with an annoying payoff.
And my god this annoying drop. I understand when it comes to EDM drops you're kinda at loss of options, but why does 90% of them have to either be
1) A few bland notes repeated over and over again in the most basic pattern possible (or as I like to call it, "The Chainsmoker's Formula")
OR
2) Assfucking a synthesizer
Can we just have fun drops once in a while that don't sound like they've come from a factory or satan? It can't be THAT hard, can it?
oh and idc about the lyrics lol 1/5
The Greatest - Sia ft Kendrick Lamar
Sia has got to be the fastest a pop star has ruined their potential. Chandelier and Elastic Heart, like them or not, were creative and very epic sounding songs. Pop songs that weren't very traditional, but still had a lot of style and a ton of flair. But now in 2017 we have THIS. This meaningless song of nothingness. Nothing here means anything. The flat twinkle beat means nothing. The lyrics are all study grouped, emotionless, nothing written nothingness. I do not remember a SINGLE lyric in this stupid fucking song other then "I GOT STAMINA". And it hit the top 20. How.
Sia couldn't seem to give less of a shit on her performance here. Elastic Heart was layered with emotion and intricacies. Chandelier you could physically hear her voice breaking out of strain, it had impact. THIS on the other hand just has her falling flat for no reason. Not because "Oh this situation is so emotional and painful", but because Sia couldn't be fucked to actually perform to any sort of standard. She just stumbles her way through this half tropical half island beat that somehow tries it's best to not be either of those things.
Then Kendrick spits 8 bars that aren't even worthy going through. His verse is over in an instant and he obviously just wanted a new mansion or something. He doesn't make the song better, he doesn't make the song worse, he just highlights how disappointing this whole situation truly is. 1/5
Blue Aint Your Color - Keith Urban
I try to like country music as often as I can, I really do. The problem is that the country that shows up in the top 30 are either really boring, or they're very broey, insufferable hick hop horseshit. This is neither. I think this might actually be worse. Because while it doesn't SOUND like a shity mid 2000s hip hop song that Yelawolf would jerk off to, it does have the lyrics as one, because this is your classic steal your girl song.
This isn't an inherently bad idea...ok well it actually IS, but some artists can make it work! "If He Aint Gonna Love You" by Jake Owen is a phenomenal song despite the fact the lyrics equate to "Girl if he aint gonna give you the dick, then I will!". But at least that one has clever writing that's aware that Jake is in the wrong, and there's some swagger to what he's saying. Blue Aint Your Colour on the other hand, tries to be all cute and shit
"You don’t need that guy
It’s so black and white, he’s stealin’ your thunder
Baby, blue ain’t your color"
How are you THIS much of a fucking asshole.
1. Could you really not think of anything more complex than "You don't need that guy"? Did you even spend more than 20 minutes writing this?
...oh, you didn't write it at ALL, it seems...wait WHAT
Didn't you produce this? How the fuck you gonna tell me your produced your own song but couldn't bother to fucking write it? You don't even need to write a line to get credited, as long as you're IN THE ROOM you get a writing credit. So you and your fuck buddy Dan Huff strummed some shitty guitar and programmed that god awful drum machine, then you walked out and thought "Eh, I'll let these 3 other people write my chick stealing song while I crack open a Bud Light". You're fucking pathetic.
2. "It's so black and white" is such a manipulative way to come accross. "Oh c'mon girl, it's SUCH an easy decision, it's abundantly clear that I'm SO much better". Bite me.
3. The main problem, the titular phrase: "Blue aint your color girl". Are you fucking serious. This is literally Keith Urban putting this hand on this girl's shoulder and saying "You don't look good when you're sad". How are you such an asshole. Then he goes onto saying how if he was a painter he'd paint her bright and "ohh c'mon let me wrap you up in my arms and fuck your pussy as I light up your world" and all this other bullshit that just makes me roll my eyes. When you make a song like this, you can either be cheesy dork, or a swaggering asshole. You can't be a cheesy asshole, you fucking idiot. 0/5
OOOUUU - Young M.A
We had a bunch of female rappers getting buzz late last year, and the one song we decided to put in our rotations was THIS. This fucking trash. This beat isn't even passable. It's somehow both layered but still ungodly boring. But the beat isn't really the problem, it's more Young M.A herself. Now let me preface with this: I LOVE female rappers. Nicki, Dreezy, Snow Tha Product, all queens. But this girl is fucking abysmal. Her voice is just so annoying, it sounds so strained. The way she stretches those "OOOUUU!"s makes my ears ring.
But really, fuck all that, can we talk about these garbage bars for a second? I wasn't expecting some underground level shit or anything, but I expected more than just...shitty lesbian puns.
"Baby gave me head; that's a low blow"
yikes
"Damn, she make me weak when she deep throat"
Wait, so are you like...um...
y'know what? I don't even want to ask.
"You call her Stephanie? I call her Headphanie"
THIS is the line. I heard this line fucking everywhere, and it is so cringey. "Headphanie" huh? God what is wrong with you.
What hurts the most is what I said earlier: THIS is the female rapper we decided to hop onto. Did anyone see anything but one hit wonder written all over her? Because that's all I saw. She had 1 song and instantly fell off, no one cares about her even less than a year later. And good fucking riddance for that. But honestly, despite this being awful, this probably wouldn't *quite* make my worst list this year. Unlike some OTHER song caught in between years. 0/5
Chill Bill - Rob $tone ft Spooks & J. Davis
All the other songs before this were just throw away trash. I didn't see too many people like them, and for good reason. But this one I saw a lot of people love, and for the life of me I have NO idea why. I can't think of a single more nauseating beat to hit the top 30 in QUITE a long time. This thick, sluggish bass playing in contrast to the fucking Kill Bill whistle gives my brain a panic attack. Everything just feels so...slow. The song doesn't even crack 3 minutes but it feels like 5. And the whistle. NEVER. FUCKING. STOPS. It goes for the entire song without ever stopping and it starts to get annoying real fucking quick.
Our rappers here I don't think even exist outside of this song. I've only ever heard of them when talking about this song. And let me tell you, do these guys fucking blow. They sound like a bunch of college kids who each just downed 15 shots of vodka. They can't stay on beat to save their lives, so instead they try to mirror the melody of the whistle, which kinda makes them on beat a bit, but it also makes their flow so stilted and unnatural. Their flows make them sound like they're fucking robots.
So the beat is terrible, the rappers are terrible, but what about the lyrics? Maybe all 3 of these dumbasses are just really good writers and couldn't find anyone better to rap for them? Well, you're actually
wrong
so fucking wrong
"Two cell phones, Mr. Mothafuck-A-Thot"
Why do these guys exist.
"Ain't got no time to love a thot"
Yeah dude we get it, you aint fuckin with these hoes
"Bout to take your girlfriend home tonight, bitch"
...or maybe you actually do?
And THAT was just J. Davis. You can't even talk about the other 2 because they each get like, 6 bars each? And then this wack ass fucker gets a whole verse? The structure of this song is fucking awful. It took me 6 listens just to figure out what the hook was. When your song is THAT fucked up, don't expect anything but for me to trash it. 0/5
What a fucking disaster. Everything here is just wrong. Top 5 worst of the year easily. But fortunately, the music gods have decided fall hits don't matter, so you won't be seeing ANY of these songs in December. Fuck Billboard for their broken algorithm, but fuck all these songs even more.
In The Name of Love - Martin Garrix ft Bebe Rexha
So this is the one that is arguably the "least bad", but I'm still not really a fan. Now this was before I stanned Bebe Rexha, so I didn't really think she did that great of a job. But on relisten, she sounds pretty great, I can't blame her. Even if she sounded like Charlie XCX with a throat infection, I still couldn't blame her because there is no pop singer in existence who could have salvaged this production. These verses are EMPTY. Man I sure do love one indistinguishable instrument and that's it, really sets the tone of "love" that they were trying to go for. Actually, it fits perfectly! Love: Emptiness with an annoying payoff.
And my god this annoying drop. I understand when it comes to EDM drops you're kinda at loss of options, but why does 90% of them have to either be
1) A few bland notes repeated over and over again in the most basic pattern possible (or as I like to call it, "The Chainsmoker's Formula")
OR
2) Assfucking a synthesizer
Can we just have fun drops once in a while that don't sound like they've come from a factory or satan? It can't be THAT hard, can it?
oh and idc about the lyrics lol 1/5
The Greatest - Sia ft Kendrick Lamar
Sia has got to be the fastest a pop star has ruined their potential. Chandelier and Elastic Heart, like them or not, were creative and very epic sounding songs. Pop songs that weren't very traditional, but still had a lot of style and a ton of flair. But now in 2017 we have THIS. This meaningless song of nothingness. Nothing here means anything. The flat twinkle beat means nothing. The lyrics are all study grouped, emotionless, nothing written nothingness. I do not remember a SINGLE lyric in this stupid fucking song other then "I GOT STAMINA". And it hit the top 20. How.
Sia couldn't seem to give less of a shit on her performance here. Elastic Heart was layered with emotion and intricacies. Chandelier you could physically hear her voice breaking out of strain, it had impact. THIS on the other hand just has her falling flat for no reason. Not because "Oh this situation is so emotional and painful", but because Sia couldn't be fucked to actually perform to any sort of standard. She just stumbles her way through this half tropical half island beat that somehow tries it's best to not be either of those things.
Then Kendrick spits 8 bars that aren't even worthy going through. His verse is over in an instant and he obviously just wanted a new mansion or something. He doesn't make the song better, he doesn't make the song worse, he just highlights how disappointing this whole situation truly is. 1/5
Blue Aint Your Color - Keith Urban
I try to like country music as often as I can, I really do. The problem is that the country that shows up in the top 30 are either really boring, or they're very broey, insufferable hick hop horseshit. This is neither. I think this might actually be worse. Because while it doesn't SOUND like a shity mid 2000s hip hop song that Yelawolf would jerk off to, it does have the lyrics as one, because this is your classic steal your girl song.
This isn't an inherently bad idea...ok well it actually IS, but some artists can make it work! "If He Aint Gonna Love You" by Jake Owen is a phenomenal song despite the fact the lyrics equate to "Girl if he aint gonna give you the dick, then I will!". But at least that one has clever writing that's aware that Jake is in the wrong, and there's some swagger to what he's saying. Blue Aint Your Colour on the other hand, tries to be all cute and shit
"You don’t need that guy
It’s so black and white, he’s stealin’ your thunder
Baby, blue ain’t your color"
How are you THIS much of a fucking asshole.
1. Could you really not think of anything more complex than "You don't need that guy"? Did you even spend more than 20 minutes writing this?
...oh, you didn't write it at ALL, it seems...wait WHAT
Didn't you produce this? How the fuck you gonna tell me your produced your own song but couldn't bother to fucking write it? You don't even need to write a line to get credited, as long as you're IN THE ROOM you get a writing credit. So you and your fuck buddy Dan Huff strummed some shitty guitar and programmed that god awful drum machine, then you walked out and thought "Eh, I'll let these 3 other people write my chick stealing song while I crack open a Bud Light". You're fucking pathetic.
2. "It's so black and white" is such a manipulative way to come accross. "Oh c'mon girl, it's SUCH an easy decision, it's abundantly clear that I'm SO much better". Bite me.
3. The main problem, the titular phrase: "Blue aint your color girl". Are you fucking serious. This is literally Keith Urban putting this hand on this girl's shoulder and saying "You don't look good when you're sad". How are you such an asshole. Then he goes onto saying how if he was a painter he'd paint her bright and "ohh c'mon let me wrap you up in my arms and fuck your pussy as I light up your world" and all this other bullshit that just makes me roll my eyes. When you make a song like this, you can either be cheesy dork, or a swaggering asshole. You can't be a cheesy asshole, you fucking idiot. 0/5
OOOUUU - Young M.A
We had a bunch of female rappers getting buzz late last year, and the one song we decided to put in our rotations was THIS. This fucking trash. This beat isn't even passable. It's somehow both layered but still ungodly boring. But the beat isn't really the problem, it's more Young M.A herself. Now let me preface with this: I LOVE female rappers. Nicki, Dreezy, Snow Tha Product, all queens. But this girl is fucking abysmal. Her voice is just so annoying, it sounds so strained. The way she stretches those "OOOUUU!"s makes my ears ring.
But really, fuck all that, can we talk about these garbage bars for a second? I wasn't expecting some underground level shit or anything, but I expected more than just...shitty lesbian puns.
"Baby gave me head; that's a low blow"
yikes
"Damn, she make me weak when she deep throat"
Wait, so are you like...um...
y'know what? I don't even want to ask.
"You call her Stephanie? I call her Headphanie"
THIS is the line. I heard this line fucking everywhere, and it is so cringey. "Headphanie" huh? God what is wrong with you.
What hurts the most is what I said earlier: THIS is the female rapper we decided to hop onto. Did anyone see anything but one hit wonder written all over her? Because that's all I saw. She had 1 song and instantly fell off, no one cares about her even less than a year later. And good fucking riddance for that. But honestly, despite this being awful, this probably wouldn't *quite* make my worst list this year. Unlike some OTHER song caught in between years. 0/5
Chill Bill - Rob $tone ft Spooks & J. Davis
All the other songs before this were just throw away trash. I didn't see too many people like them, and for good reason. But this one I saw a lot of people love, and for the life of me I have NO idea why. I can't think of a single more nauseating beat to hit the top 30 in QUITE a long time. This thick, sluggish bass playing in contrast to the fucking Kill Bill whistle gives my brain a panic attack. Everything just feels so...slow. The song doesn't even crack 3 minutes but it feels like 5. And the whistle. NEVER. FUCKING. STOPS. It goes for the entire song without ever stopping and it starts to get annoying real fucking quick.
Our rappers here I don't think even exist outside of this song. I've only ever heard of them when talking about this song. And let me tell you, do these guys fucking blow. They sound like a bunch of college kids who each just downed 15 shots of vodka. They can't stay on beat to save their lives, so instead they try to mirror the melody of the whistle, which kinda makes them on beat a bit, but it also makes their flow so stilted and unnatural. Their flows make them sound like they're fucking robots.
So the beat is terrible, the rappers are terrible, but what about the lyrics? Maybe all 3 of these dumbasses are just really good writers and couldn't find anyone better to rap for them? Well, you're actually
wrong
so fucking wrong
"Two cell phones, Mr. Mothafuck-A-Thot"
Why do these guys exist.
"Ain't got no time to love a thot"
Yeah dude we get it, you aint fuckin with these hoes
"Bout to take your girlfriend home tonight, bitch"
...or maybe you actually do?
And THAT was just J. Davis. You can't even talk about the other 2 because they each get like, 6 bars each? And then this wack ass fucker gets a whole verse? The structure of this song is fucking awful. It took me 6 listens just to figure out what the hook was. When your song is THAT fucked up, don't expect anything but for me to trash it. 0/5
What a fucking disaster. Everything here is just wrong. Top 5 worst of the year easily. But fortunately, the music gods have decided fall hits don't matter, so you won't be seeing ANY of these songs in December. Fuck Billboard for their broken algorithm, but fuck all these songs even more.
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