Billboard Top 20 Ranking (Jan. 20th, 2018)

We're only 2 weeks in and I'm already scared for 2018.

I feel like what I say has some sort of spiritual effect on the Billboard charts, that me being too vulgar in my thrashing of artists unleashes said artists to major success, like a sort of cruel punishment for calling bullshit out when I see bullshit. It makes me want to keep my mouth shut and stop talking about pop music as a whole for the greater good. But, I'm not going to do that. Instead, I'm here to inform you that this top 20 fucking BLOWS. It was consistently below average for nearly all of 2017, but as soon as it hit 2018 it somehow got even worse. Thankfully, this is probably the best top 20 we've had in 2018 so far, but that doesn't mean it's any good. So, let's just jump right into this rotting sewage that is the pop charts, shall we?

THE SHIT TIER (0/5)

No. 20: Bad At Love - Halsey
I give a lot of shit to Camila Cabello on this blog as the worst pop artist currently working, and that might be unfair, because Halsey might be genuinely worse. Her album last year, the horribly titled hopeless fountain kingdom only got worse and worse the more I was exposed to it, and one of it's worst songs became a single. Now, while I do hate Halsey for her shitty personality, complete disregard and lack of respect for the pop genre (or just music in general really, probably thinks G-Eazy is the savior of hip hop), and just how lowkey gross she is, my hatred for her has always stemmed from her complete incompetence in making music. And Bad At Love, holy fuck is it arguably one of her worst. Ricky Reed produced this, who is quite possibly the most hit or miss producer of this decade, and fuck did he miss. Sounds like Cashmere Cat on painkillers. The whole song is built around this 1 note, buzzing synth that just grates my brain like a serrated knife ricocheting around in my skull. The trap hi hats don't help, and the tinkle sounds just make everything feel so gross. It's not sad, or deep, or even emotional, it's just fucking gross. Halsey's vocals certainly aren't a blessing either. I have been saying this for years at this point, Halsey just can't sing. She has that super hipster delivery that Lorde popularized and Tumblr teens squirts for, and she does it the absolute worst out of all of her contemporaries. Lorde popularized it, so she gets a pass. Alessia Cara can actually sing and shows her vocal talent more often than not, so I have no problem with her raspy delivery she slips into. Lana Del Rey at the very least moans like a dog that just got shot, and that sort of sad, desperate delivery sometimes lines up with her content. Halsey however, just does it because she can't fucking sing. She half raps verses with a flat rasp, she moans her way through hooks, and has absolutely no emotion in her voice. All her songs sound fucking karaoke'd.

Then you have the big problem: the lyrics. Which, I will lay off for now because this will DEFINITELY make my worst list. But just as a teaser: Halsey, sweetheart, if your main line of your song is "I'm bad at love, but you can't blame me for trying", maybe you shouldn't write a song that illustrates:

a) OTHER people being bad at love, not you, and

b) You NOT trying at all to make them better


No. 19: GUMMO - 6ix9ine
Ok, I'm going to be one of the few old heads who will not immediately dismiss this song. Ignoring the various pedophilia-esque things this dude has been arrested for (because of course he has), the main appeal of this guy's music is obviously his rough delivery. In his other song KOODA, I actually see the appeal, and I don't think that song is *as* terrible as other people say. Or, more conveniently to this ranking, as bad as THIS song. Someone on Twitter described 6ix9ine's delivery as "my step dad yelling at me", and that's basically what I get from this song. This isn't inherently a bad thing, but there's 2 reasons why it completely falls flat to me. Firstly, his delivery isn't that menacing. He has the tone right sure, but volume, intensity, and roughness in his voice is NOWHERE to be seen. He sounds 15 years old, just not intimidating at all. For songs like these, you gotta have vocals that make me feel like you're about to murder me. KOODA almost accomplishes this, GUMMO is nowhere close.

Second problem, this. fucking. beat. It's this slow, meandering, lifeless beat over some shitty glassy synth. It doesn't make my skin crawl, because that would imply it gets ANY emotion out of me. It's just really basic, I don't get it.

...oh and I'm not even bothering with the lyrics go fuck yourself.


No. 18: Him & I - G-Eazy and Halsey
I warned y'all

I  f u c k i n g  WARNED Y'ALL

We let Now Or Never slide because it ripped off Rihanna and "oh, this song is so weird!", and we let No Limit pass late last year because "Wow, it samples Slob On My Knob and has a super funny Cardi B verse, this is great!", and now look at us now, we have THIS piece of shit. This "Hot Topic Bonnie and Clyde where none of them are Clyde" bullshit. Stop gassing up shitty artists when they throw you 1 decent looking bone, maybe then I wouldn't have to fucking thrash them for worst list season. See you in 11 months you two, you can continue fucking up your selected genres while we wait.


No. 17:  Gucci Gang - Lil Pump
I mean

...

I  m e a n

...

c  '  m  o  n


No. 16: LOVE. - Kendrick Lamar ft some fucking loser
*error 404: oldhead must not give negative response to Kendrick Lamar track, whether or not it deserves to be thrown to the fucking wolves or not*


No. 15: Thunder - Imagine Dragons
Imagine Dragons have been dogshit for nearly their entire careers and I think this is the year where people finally got fucking sick of them, especially THIS song. What is this jumpy vocal performance. What is that flatlined synth doing in a ROCK song. Why do half the lines in the verses just simply not rhyme. Why does a rock band seem to put more emphasis on a vocaloid drop than a sick bassline. I have so many questions and I think I'll die before I get any of the answers, and it's probably better that way.


No. 14: rockstar - Post Malone ft 21 Savage
The trap rap power couple of Mr. White Iverson (who by the way, is not even close to Allen Iverson in this comparison. He is a fucking Shaqtin-regular Javelle McGee at VERY best) and "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 M's in my mouth ("M's" of course being seminal loads from MikeWill Made It)" 21 Savage, who have come together to make one of the most boring songs to hit No.1 in a while. I mean fuck, what do I even say when it comes to trap like this. The performance are boring as shit, I don't care for Post Malones crooning, let alone his claims of him being a "rock star" when he obviously isn't (even if I did accept rappers calling themselves rappers, I'd definitely put dudes like Danny Brown WAY before Post Malone), and I don't care for this soul draining beat. It's just...nothing. It isn't even terrible or obnoxious, it's just boring, which is arguably worse than all of them. Maybe if it was given to better performers it could get some life sparked into it, but these 2 morons certainly aren't cutting it.


THE BAD TIER (1/5)

No. 13: Bodak Yellow - Cardi B
*sigh* It hurts to put this so low

I love Cardi B, I think I can say that for certain now. She can flow on a beat really well, has a great rapping voice (as many female rappers do, don't ever forget it), can actually write a clever bar or 2, and is EXPLODING with charisma and energy. She is an absolute delight. Unfortunately, none of that is shown in this song. As you know, Bodak Yellow is heavily inspired/basically a remix of No Flockin by Kodak Black, a horrible song with no serviceable qualities. And that kinda shot Bodak Yellow in the foot, because nothing here grabs me. The beat is flat and dull, and so is Cardi B. Like I said, she can flow and sounds great on a beat, she's trying her best here. But the beat is so trash that the flow she decides to slip in to match it is so basic and goofy (not in the good way) I can't help but roll my eyes. The bars also aren't impressing me either. Apparently I'm in the minority here, but I've heard Cardi B's latest features, and I've heard Red Barz (which is a far superior Cardi B song with a colour in it's name check that shit out), I know she can write, and this aint it. It's kinda sad that her break out hit that smashed into the top slot on Billboard is easily her weakest performance. Whatever, at least she can only go up from here.


No. 12: Motorsport - Migos ft Cardi B & Nicki Minaj
Speaking of which, Cardi B going up! The verse she spits here is absolutely fantastic.

"Same lips that be talkin' 'bout me
Is the same lips that be ass kissin'
These hoes ain't what they say they are
And their pussy stank, they catfishin'"

I mean that's fucking hilarious, c'mon. Some of my favourite bars of last year honestly. Along with her confirmations that she is the "trap Selena", as well as a random but very appreciated interpolation of Gasolina, Cardi knocks it out of the park. Too bad the rest of the song sucks. Nicki switches up her flow a few times which I appreciate, but I feel that was done on purpose to distract you from how wack her bars are.

"Bitch, you my son, go and sit on the potty"

Lovely.

But I'd still take her over Migos, who are just sleepwalking through this shit. Even Takeoff, the one Migos I actually like (y'know, the one that isn't a COMPLETE homophobe, at least) isn't any good. Quavo in particular is what ruins a lot of it, who's hook is so terrible that it might get people to remember that Takeoff used to do the choruses a lot better. Not to mention the beat, which is on life support, as it is both dead sounding as well as synth that sounds like a beeping life support machine. I gave you 3 strikes Migos, and after Bad & Boujee and Slippery, and now this, I think it's time for you guys to give the trap crown to someone else.


No. 11. Filthy - Justin Timberlake
Justin Timberlake is a 36 year old man. SexyBack happened over A DECADE AGO. He can't try and replicate it at this point in his career. People were expecting this to be good, and I'm not sure why? Can't Stop The Feeling was obviously a mediocre fluke, so this wouldn't be much better. But at the same time, as much as I kind of hate this, I can't quite muster the confidence to slap a 0/5 on this and call it a day. Because as painful as it is, Justin Timberlake is still a fantastic performer. He sounds great here, and the pre chorus sounds fucking awesome. He even sound great trying to match the grit of the roaring guitar at the beginning, which shocked me. But unfortunately, no performer could've saved this beat. Kesha couldn't save it, Natalia Kills couldn't save it, fucking Jackie Wilson couldn't make this shit work. This production is a nightmare. The dubstep-like warbles, the bass that smells of dead fish, and just some really scratchy mixing makes this a total ear ache. Again, the guitar that roars in the beginning (and that comes in and out of the song) sounds fantastic, but the rest doesn't match it, let alone sucking anyways.

The lyrics aren't any better either. Justin sounds as great on this track as he is unbelievable. "You know this aint the clean version" Justin sings with swagger as her forgets that this song has 0 explicit lyrics at all. Every line is just so...lame. "Haters gonna say it's fake", "Put your filthy hands all over me", "What you gonna do with all that meat?", this is just so brain dead. So fine Justin, a couple of snippets of decent melodies and an overall good performance saves the song, but doesn't make it any good.


THE MEH TIER (2/5)

No. 10. Too Good At Goodbyes - Sam Smith
Perfectly fitting that this is the song that lands smack dab in the middle of my ranking: because it is absolutely, completely, 100% average. There is not a single thing good about this song, but nothing I would call bad either. It doesn't insult me, doesn't make me think. It is the most accurate definition of "fine."


No. 9. Feel It Still - Portugal. The Man
I'm not sure why I don't like this song. I loved it for like, 3 days. But the spark of excitement I SHOULD have when I hear this song I just don't get. I guess the vocals are a bit annoying? I don't know, just doesn't quite work for me. The only true criticism I have for it is that it's definitely way too short, the song fizzles out in an instant. So yeah, not feeling this one.

...no that wasn't a pun, go away


THE DECENT TIER (3/5)

No. 8: Bartier Cardi - Cardi B ft 21 Savage
Ah yes, the first good Cardi B song! The beat is sorta weird, and 21 Savage is somewhat terrible on it, I can dig this for whatever reason. Cardi certainly carries the song, but that can apply to basically ANY song she's slapped on (we'll get to more of that later).


No. 7: Let You Down - NF
This is probably surprising, considering how much of a hip hop snob I probably seem like. I might be being too nice to this, but whatever, I like it. Beat is layered and actually conveys a fucking emotion to me, the children pitch shifted vocals aren't nearly as annoying as they sound in concept, and the dude flows well. It's nice to see a white rapper that isn't an Eminem rip off nor a stupid frat boy pandering to stupid frat boys. I would rather it NOT be a Christian rapper rapping about his dead father and how he feels he let him down, but whatever, I'll take it.


No. 6: No Limit - G-Eazy ft Cardi B & A$AP Rocky
Now here is the OTHER big Cardi B guest verse we had climb up on the charts, and you can easily argue that this one is even better than her Motorsport verse! She's energetic, funny, insulting G-Eazy (good job) and flows like a monster on this. Part of this is because of the beat, which is a lot better. This song samples "Slob On My Knob", but thankfully it got it's own beat, because this is a HUGE improvement. It's dark, moody, you can vibe OR headbang to it, which is pretty impressive. Then you have A$AP Rocky, who absolutely MURDERS this hook. I'm still pissed he didn't get a verse, but for how much swagger he brought for the few lines he was given, it almost makes up for it. But unfortunately, this song gets dragged down, of course, from G-Eazy.

His verses are TERRIBLE. He falls off the beat a bit, spits beyond basic rhymes, no interesting content, and is just overall trash. Dude gave himself 2 verses but none to A$AP Rocky, fuckin unbelievable. Might've been the best song in the top 20 if you sacked G-Eazy's verses for another 2 from Cardi B. Oh, and the remix with all those below average rappers who lost their 15 minutes of fame years ago is garbage too, just an FYI.


No. 5: New Rules - Dua Lipa
Ok, so, let me lay out for you. This beat is awesome, bouncy with a slight tropical feel where it has all the taste but it doesn't make me vomit, the melody is catchy as hell, Dua Lipa has a certain smugness to her performance that gives me so much satisfaction in a world where 85% of pop singers don't fucking bother to use their diaphragm, the "If you're under him, you aint getting over him" line is genius, the way the pre-chorus is laid out is even MORE genius, the drop is good, the mixing is solid, and the length is perfect.

So, why the FUCK do I not like this?


THE GOOD TIER (4/5)

No. 4: Perfect - Ed Sheeran
Look, I'm sorry, but this is sweet. Super, super sweet. It kinda sounds like the 8th time Ed Sheeran has made this song, but it's sweet. It sounds sweet, it reads sweet, and it's performed...pretty ok. People probably hate this and call it "boring", but I don't care. Give me this over that New Man shit any day.


No. 3: Havana - Camila Cabello ft Young Thug
Already did a review of this one, so let's wrap everything up. The song is great, Camila and Young Thug are not. The former can't sing to save her life, the latter is phoning it in for a MASSIVE Syco paycheck. It's the only good song on the album, yes I'm mad it's hitting No.1 even though I like the song, no I do NOT find Camila Cabello and/or her ass attractive, and I am fucking DONE talking about her. There are plenty of pop stars that I feel need to get dragged, and she's been roasting in my spotlight for far too long.


No. 2: Meant To Be - Bebe Rexha & Florida Georgia Line
Pop music is WEIRD right now. Almost as weird as country music, as both are going through a transition phase where neither knows what the fuck they want to make as their poster child. So, 2 artists (1 for each genre) joined together and made the safest, most crossover song they could together, and I mean SAFEST. Bebe Rexha has quite literally already used this vocal melody before (it's in one of her unreleased tracks, I SWEAR), and Florida Georgia Line quite literally remade H.O.L.Y from 2016, except swapped out religion for a thicc white girl (which really, is the right decision to do for EVERY scenario with these choices). This wasn't focus tested to be a hit, it was practically already confirmed to be one before it was even created. And I really like it. I don't know, the piano here sounds great, and the hi-hats sounds alright despite to fitting at all. The 2 artists have relatively strong chemistry together (which I did NOT expect), and the lyrics are very stupid, but in a charming, pop song sort of stupid I can really enjoy. I probably just love this because Bebe Rexha is hot and I just can't admit it to myself yet, but as for now, this song is great.


THE GREAT TIER (5/5)
Is ANYONE surprised?

No.1: Finesse (Remix) - Bruno Mars ft Cardi B
OH MY GOD THIS IS SO FUCKING GOOD.

I justed want some happiness in my pop music, that's all I ask for at this point. Just remind me that pop music is about having fun, charismatic performers and interesting personalities. MAN, this song delivers. The chorus says "We're out here drippin in finesse/it don't make no sense" and he's right, it makes 0 fucking sense. I should tear it into the ground, since this is me we're talking about. But when you have THIS much swagger and confidence in your delivery, production this bouncy and funky, with the swing of the bass and drums, and a guest verse that's THIS fire? I don't give a fucking if your song makes sense or not, this is a total bop, I LOVE it. Give me stuff like this. Restore my faith in pop music, because when the top 20 totals out to a 36/100, it's kinda what I need right now.