Thursday, 22 June 2017

Billboard Top 20 Ranking (July 1st, 2017)

Ahh, the summer time, what a wonderful time of the year. The sun is shine, birds are chirping, everyone's out of school and on vacation, and most importantly, pop music somehow ALWAYS ends up taking a fucking nosedive.


Seriously, I don't understand it. The top 20 a couple of weeks ago was actually pretty great, but this one? Ehhhh, not quite sure. It's certainly worse, but I'd also not quite call it bad at first glance either. Well, I guess we'll just have to see, so lets start off the exact same way we did 3 months ago: with this dickhead.

THE SHIT TIER (0/5)

No. 20: Body Like a Back Road - Sam Hunt (Last ranking: 20)

So, here you have it folks. The biggest country hit in 4 years, since Cruise by Florida Georgia Line and Nelly decided to destroy country music. And somehow, this is still fucking stupider than that song! Already talked about this, and I'll go full on rant mode in December when this will obviously make my worst list, so stay tuned for that.


No. 19: Believer - Imagine Dragons

Rock music is dead in the land of pop music. Sure, we haven't been getting much rock music before now, and we still get some cool guitar riffs once in a while that gives us a taste, but 2017 is truly the year where rock music is dead in the fucking water. The only rock hit this year is going to be this song, and it's an absolute fucking disaster. Imagine Dragons have seemed fairly content on making horrible songs for a while now, but they truly outdid themselves with this one. When you think of a rock song, the most important and looked forward to part is a sizzling guitar line that anchors the song. This doesn't have that. We get some tribal drums, bit of percussion here and there, and Dan Reynolds half-rapping in one of this worst vocal performances to date. The hint of guitar we get is on the chorus where we get a sound that sounds like they just strummed 1 note and just maxed out the fuzz so it stretched for a few seconds. All while we have Dan straight up screaming like Adam Levine on LSD. Embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as this cute little lyric progression that I guarantee they thought was absolute fire.

"First things first
I'ma say all the words inside my head"

"Second thing second
Don't you tell me what you think that I can be"

Yikes.


No. 18: Now or Never - Halsey (NOT a popstar)

Really? We gave HALSEY a hit? I thought we all fucking hated her! I know she was on Closer and dropped an album recently, but is that seriously enough for you guys to push this garbage into the top 20? And yeah, "not a pop star" my ass Halsey, this is pop through and through. Just because it's down tempo with a fucked melody doesn't make it alternative, no matter how much you want it to.

This just pisses me off. It's lyrically vague but still trying to be edgy, it very clearly jacked a vocal melody that I already didn't like and sounds WAY worse with Halsey doing it, and the girl still uses her stale, strained voice to sing over this bass infused trash heap of a beat. It has all the typical problems you hear in a terrible Halsey song. It's like she released this as soon as she could to cash in on the hype she got from Closer. How the fuck she got Cashmere Cat to produce this dragged out comatose beat, I have no idea. All I know is that I cannot STAND this and I hope it drops fast.


No. 17: Issues - Julia Michaels

Who told this girl she could sing? Because she can't, she's nowhere close. It's no wonder she writes for Selena Gomez, because they both have the shittiest vocal ranges in pop music. I'm also still not convinced that this is Julia Michaels, because for someone who has written a dozen pop hits, this song's lyrics are HORRENDOUS.

"When I'm down I get real down
When I'm high I don't come down"

Wow, really broke your back writing THAT one didn't ya?

"'Cause I got issues, but you got 'em too
So give 'em all to me and I'll give mine to you"

That's fucking psychotic. Did Julia Michaels write for Meghan Trainor too?


No. 16: Shape of Fuck You - Ed fucking Sherran (Last fucking ranking: Fucking 14)

How is this still here. Wait no, better question: how is this still in the top fucking 5? I guess 4 note tropical beats with monotone deliveries really get you far in the pop world these days. Such a shame really, Divide was a solid album, and this was one of the only 2 REALLY bad songs on it. If Ed Sherran releases New Man as his next single this might be the worst single release schedule I've ever seen.


THE BAD TIER (1/5)

No. 15: XO TOUR Llif3 - L!l UZI V3Rt

Look, I'm cool with Uzi talking about such a depressing topic. Sure it doesn't remotely fit his character, but it's interesting and I can give him that. But I'm just not a fan of trap rap. This beat bores me to fucking tears. The scattered drums, some pretty synth work, it just doesn't do anything for me. I've heard this shit so many times done way better, I'm just numb to this sound at this point. And I can't vibe out to it either (which is apparently what I'm SUPPOSED to do), because of Lil Uzi Vert himself. He just sounds fucking ridiculous. His flow is garbage, rhyme scheme is basic as hell, and his vocals sound fucking ridiculous. He's making his voice sound at it's most ridiculous on a song with a very serious topic and it just makes no sense to me. How do you guys love this so much? Eh, whatever. I've given up understanding trap music at this point. Just label me as an "old head" when it comes to hip hop and let's move on.


No. 14: Say You Won't Let Go - James Arthur

What can I even say about this one. This isn't even a "Everyone's already said what needs to be said" or whatever, I just seriously have nothing to say about this except that it's boring and James Arthur is a horrific singer. Done? Done.


No. 13: Congratulations - White Privilege ft Quavo, destroyer of worlds

Wonderful, MORE music I just don't understand! Yeah this does absolutely nothing for me. 4 minutes of Post Malone lowkey humble bragging over a down tempo beat with a forgettable Quavo verse just sends me straight to sleep. Maybe I gotta be in the club to enjoy this or something? Who knows, watch it click with me in December or something like that, that would be incredible.

No. 12: Something Just Like This - The Chainsmokers ft Coldplay (Last Ranking: 11)

Still fucking hate the Chainsmokers. And still kinda hate Coldplay too.

THE MEH TIER (2/5)

...there's nothing here. No mediocre songs to be seen, it is summer after all.


THE DECENT TIER (3/5)

No. 11: 2U - David Guetta ft Justin Bieber

So David Guetta is back, and in typical David Guetta fashion, he served what can only be labeled as the bare minimum for an enjoyable song. An uninspired vocal performance from Justin Bieber (what's fucking new), a Cash Cash flavoured drop that is both more competent and less disgusting than an actual Cash Cash drop, and some decent synth and piano work for the verses. I'm sure a lot of people can't stand this, but I find it completely serviceable. If Guetta can get a performer with more pipes and charisma he might be able to make something great. We'll just have to see.

No. 10: Redbone - Childish Gambino

This is here basically out of respect alone, as I would never dare to listen to this out of my own free will. But still, this song is fucking impressive. Just not for me, is all.

No. 9: There's Nothin Holding Me Back - Shawn Mendes

3 years. It took Shawn Mendes 3 fucking years to make another song as good as Something Big, his debut single. Now is it better? No, it's nowhere close. But I'd be troubled to find any big problems with this song. Production is mostly agreeable, the guitar has groove and the drums have a good rhythm too, and when the claps come in on the pre chorus to give the song a huge amount of energy, I can't lie, I really dig it! It's lyrically sound, vocals are mostly good, I really like this!

THE GOOD TIER (4/5)

...there isn't any. Again, this is a bit awkward, not sure why the charts are like this for me. Whatever, enjoy me praise 8 songs back to back!


THE GREAT TIER (5/5)

No. 8: Mask Off - Future (Last Ranking: 5)

Despite a much lower ranking, this actually grew on me even more! Still love the beat, Future rides it like a champ, and the lyrics still don't fucking matter! Love it!


No. 7: Despacito - Luis Fonsi ft Daddy Yankee (and Justin Bieber I guess?)

How the hell did we do it. A fucking LATIN song hit No. 1. And has stayed there for multiple weeks, and doesn't seem to be leaving anytime soon either! Although I'd be lying if I said I didn't get it at least a little, because this has summer jam written ALL over it. This just sounds so bright and summer-like, not at all surprised this song success really. Especially since the big reason this hit No. 1 was a Justin Bieber remix, which honestly might be better than the original! His voice just sounds better than the latin dudes. Speaking of the latin dudes, the reason this song is in the Great tier: the lyrics!

Now the lyrics aren't really anything special, but I just want to point out this is probably the only latin song I've encountered that, when translated to English, isn't completely fucking disgusting. So good on ya Luis Fonsi and...Daddy Yankee. The same dude that made fucking Shaky Shaky.

*sigh* 2017 has been WEIRD man.

No. 6: That's What I Like - Bruno Mars (Last Ranking: 3)

This is still a total bop. Now RELEASE STRAIGHT UP & DOWN AS A SINGLE NEXT PLEASE.

No. 5: HUMBLE. - Kendrick Lamar

Kendrick trying his hand at trap eh? No surprise, it's brilliant. Everyone loves this, and it's clear why. It's a modern soon-to-be rap legend schooling mainstream rappers in their own style, and even brings some bars and social commentary with him! This has got to be one of Mike WILL's best beats. The piano is just fucking insane on this. So much power and energy, the polar opposite style pianos seem to play in every other trap song these days.

Then you got Kendrick himself, who no surprise kills it. His flow is just so cool and vibrant, the way he rides the beat is just so interesting, I can't get enough of it. Yet, this song isn't even top 3. Turns out this ranking IS pretty strong after all!


No. 4: Stay - Zedd ft Alessia Cara

I fucking hate Zedd. All his songs are trainwrecks, including this one. But somehow, some way, some fucking miracle allowed this song to work. It always feels like it's on the verge of fucking up, but it somehow holds itself together. You got deep humming backing vocals that contrast beautifully against Alessia's wonderful performance. She also plays off these bouncy synths and drums rather well, and a hint of I think a guitar shoved under the mix that sounds pretty sweet. Then there's the fantastic chorus where Alessia says

"The clock is ticking, so stay"

and the entire time through the melody has this tick-tock sort of wave to it, like a clock, y'know? It's really cool and fucking awesome to listen to. But the best part is how Zedd finally didn't fuck up the drop. He basically just did a Chainsmokers drop and cleaned up the rough edges, but still, it sounds great. Hopefully Zedd puts more singles out like this, and less like...literally everything else he's made.


No. 3: It Aint Me - Kygo & Selena Gomez (Last Ranking: 1)

Still fucking amazing. In fact, there's still a chance this still tops my best list. The 2 songs that topped it are there for more personal reasons than anything, so don't count this masterpiece out yet.


No. 2: Unforgettable - French Montana ft Swae Lee

Yes. Fucking YES. I am SO happy this is here. This is one of the 2 songs that has touched the top 40 this year that I can legitimately vibe to. This is what vibe music SHOULD be. The beat is hypnotizing. A underlying bass, a popping synth that wraps around the entire track, and some brilliant percussion and drums that structures the entire track to almost force you to bop your head to it. I can totally see, and totally have, lost my mind in this.

Then Swae Lee of all people comes in and fucking kills this hook. His voice is distorted and toyed with to hell and back, and it sounds goddamn phenomenal. Sremmlife 2 WISHES it had this Swae Lee. And I'd argue French Montana does almost just as good, at least for his usual standards. This the only French Montana single I can think of where he wasn't an annoying, grating sack of shit. His voice actually fits the beat perfectly, and his bars aren't terrible either! But the song truly does belong to Swae Lee. Seriously, this hook is so fucking sticky. Not necessarily the lyrics to it (I can't even remember the whole thing), but the flow and vibe the hook has is breathtaking. God, this is such a great song!


No. 1: I'm The One - DJ Khaled ft Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance The Rapper, & Lil Wayne

When this dropped, everyone seemed relatively unimpressed. Most said it was boring, few hate it, and I saw a few that said that Quavo and Chance had good verses, but that's about it. And since I didn't like Shining, nor do I like half the artists on this track, I went in with relatively 0 expectations. On first listen, I fucking fell in love. This is one of my favourite hits of the entire century so far, this is fucking MARVELOUS. The simplistic beat with the bouncy bass, freaky looped and chopped vocals and the parading synth sound fucking awesome together. Even better, all 4 of our performers do great. Justin Bieber gives a great hook, with some very simplstic "oh ayooooooooooayo"s that tie everything together, and each 3 of these rappers have great verses talking about their girls. Quavo loves his girl, Chance is messing around with a gold digger but he loves the thrill so he goes along with it, and Wayne hates his girl and is currently trying to move on from her. It's 3 verses all about the same topic, but framed differently. Quavo telling this girl that he's the one for her, and vice verse. Chance questions if he really is the one for this girl (and more importantly, is she really the one for him), and Wayne discover he isn't the one at all, causing everything to come full circle. It's a simplistic party song that actually has a bit of depth and progression to it, and I fucking love that. Nothing on the charts this year has been better than this, and I doubt anything will.

So this top 20 scored a...53/100. That's actually alright! Much better than I expected for the summer! Maybe 2017 will actually be alright after all, just need to clear some of the garbage out. Which unfortunately, might not happen anytime soon.

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