...that vaguely made sense, but fuck it, that's my intro
2007 was fucking awful. I talked a lot of shit about 2009, 2016, 2010, but no. THIS is the shit year to end all shit years. I'm not saying there were no good songs, like always there was just enough to make a top 10 with a few honorable mentions, including one of the best pop songs of all time, but the amount of sheer garbage was astounding to me. It seemed for a majority of these songs on the 2007 YE, it was either really good or absolutely awful, almost always leaning towards the latter, no inbetweens. Today, we will of course, be doing the worst of them. I had 40 0/5s for this year. 40 songs to choose from. It was not fun. Speaking of those 40, here's 7 of them to break the ice.
D.M 1: Rehab - Amy Winehouse (YE: 74)
Definitely the most confusing entry for the list. I have no idea what I hate about this. The obnoxious production? The obnoxious hook? Amy Winehouse's vocals at their most obnoxious? Not quite sure. All I know is I can't fucking stand it.
D.M 2: Shortie Like Mine - Bow Wow ft Chris Brown (YE: 54)
The harmonizing on the hook is atrocious, and the synth sounds like a tortured poodle. I'm sure the rest of the song is bad as well, but I haven't actually gotten that far yet.
D.M 3: Ice Box - Omarion (YE: 45)
This beat is so unbelievably awkward. It's like the producer mixed the song for 8 seconds and then gave up. Also, "I got this ice box where my heart used to be", followed by the repetiton of "I'M SO COLLLLLDDDD" makes me want to punch Omarion straight in his fucking heart. And that's facts, no printer.
D.M 4: Sexyback - Justin Timberlake ft Timbaland (YE: 63)
Remember when we all agreed this song was awful? Can we go back to that time please? Garbage filter on Justin's voice, Timbalands annoying yelps, and this fucking disaster of a beat. Only saved from the list because it deserves to be more on the 2006 list then this one, and the lyrics here aren't awful. Plus, hooks kinda catchy. What can I say, Justin can still kill it.
D.M 5: On The Hotline - Pretty Ricky (YE: 82)
Just pathetic on all levels, especially with the sample. I'm fine with sampling classics, but try not to murder it this bad please?
D.M 6: Kiss Kiss - Chris Brown ft T-Pain (YE: 93)
Oh. My. Fucking. God. Please. Make. It. Stop.
D.M 7: Like a Boy - Ciara (YE: 68)
I can't fucking stand this. It makes me want to punch a hole in my wall. The sole reason it's not on this list is because I don't want to talk about it. Yes, I am THAT guy. Would've placed at No. 7 btw.
Alright this has gone on long enough. You already know the rules by now, so no point in me giving the shitty rundown. Yadda yadda Year End 2007 yadda yadda no Canadian YE apparently yadda yadda roofisfallingletmelovemefallingIjustknow Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2007!
I used to like this song. Quite a bit actually. But after quite a few relistens, it makes me feel really...weird. Legit uncomfortable. And of course, who else could it be, then Sean fucking Kingston.
No. 10. Beautiful Girls - Sean Kingston (YE: 31)
Ignoring the sample that JJJJJJJJ-JR murdered (it's basically clockwork for him at this point), this sounds awful. Fuck how the upbeat sounds & happy tone doesn't match the lyrics (we'll get to that), how about we talk about how this just straight up sounds like garbage? Percussion that might actually be a salt shaker, the fucking godly backing vocals in the very back of the mix that annoys you the second you notice them, the shitty twinkling that doesn't belong at all. Sure the synth sounds aight, but that doesn't matter when everything else sounds this awful. And Sean doesn't sound good on it either, no surprise. Kingston has always been an awful performer, not a single good vocal performance under his belt, but this is probably his worst. The way he enunciates words automatically makes my fist clench. And that autotuned horseshit after every 4 lines? The thing that bumped this song onto this song. He's trying to sound sweet, cool, as well as harmonize with himself, and he somehow fails at all 3. And these lyrics? Straight up fucking depressing.
"You're way too beautiful girl/That's why it'll never work/You'll have me suicidal, suicidal/When you say it's over"
Fucking hell Sean. I mean I hate to say this dude, but it's just a girl.
"See it started at the park/Used to chill after dark/Oh when you took my heart/That's when we fell apart"
Wait, your relationship fell apart when you started to like her? Damn, that's like, the saddest thing I've heard in years.
"They say we're too young/To get ourselves sprung/Oh we didn't care/We made it very clear"
Wow, cool dude. I'm so impressed. What a fucking rebel you are.
"It was back in '99/Watchin' movies all the time/Oh when I went away/For doin' my first crime"
wowowowowowoah hold up, what?
"And then I came out/Mami moved me down South/Oh I'm with my girl/Who I thought was my world/It came out to be/That she wasn't the girl for me (girl for me)"
Oh no, you're sad that she "wasn't the girl for you", because you went to fucking jail? Cry me a river so I can drown you in it.
"Now we're fussin'/And now we're fightin'/Please tell me why/I'm feelin' slighted"
Man, I don't know dude. It COULD have to do with the fact you were in JAIL.
Fuck this song. Such a dumb narrative over a dumb instrumental that are both too stupid to even remotely match. Fuck Sean Kingston and ESPECIALLY fuck JR.
RnB is one of the most popular genres ever, and now you could probably consider it THE most popular genre. Now, RnB used to be very well known for having a lot of soul. That's how the late 90s and early 2000s were plagued with this slow tempo atmospheric RnB that was very soulful and usually sweet. The quality was incredible at best and mind numbingly boring at worst. Nonetheless, they had soul. I'd like to think this song is what killed all that soul.
No. 9: Get It Shawty - Lloyd (YE: 51)
Everything about this production frustrates me. The loud as fuck claps, the obnoxious synth, the breathy feel the chorus has, and dear god the backing vocals. THE BACKING VOCALS. It's all so obnoxious. But what makes this get on this list is not the lyrics, although they are horrible no doubt:
"I guess I can let this woman slip away/'cause I got my eye on you"
And the award for Douchebag Of The Year goes to...not you actually, Akon had 4 top 20 hits this year, but you are certainly a valid contender.
"All I really want is for you to back it up/Go on and put your weight on it"
That's a very odd thing to demand. Like I get what you mean, but like...fuck it who cares. It's not like with all the fucking autotune on this dick's voice you could understand the lyrics anyways.
No, what makes this awful is this mans voice. Holy fuck. It's like if NSYNC era Justin Timberlake got punched straight in the chest & winded himself, then was ordered "Hey JT, just murder your falsetto, alright? Cool." Every single lyric this man sings, every sound he makes is so fucking grating. I'd rather stick my dick in a Honda Civic's exhaust pipe then hear this loser yelp "GET IT SHAAWWWWTAYYYY" over this FL Studio ejaculation of a beat. None of this is helped by how half the first verse has this dumb as fuck echo effect that makes this pathetic excuse of a melody even more unbearable. Annoying on all levels. Grating hook, shit verses, a noticeably awful rhyme scheme, and a shell of a performer that couldn't salvage ANY of the former problems. A perfect example of someone who genuinely should have never been famous. No charisma, no pipes, no writing tact or charm. Just absolutely embarrassing.
2007 was where every genre decided to dive bomb in quality. The only exception to this however, was rock music. Fall Out Boy & My Chemical Romance dropped fantastic singles that all cracked the top 10, Maroon 5 hit No. 1 with one of their best singles of their careers, P!nk rocked the fuck out, and even boring shlocks from the likes of The All American Rejects and Red Jumpsuit Apparatus were easily ignorable. This garbage heap however, was not. It was the 17th biggest song of the year. And it fucking sucks.
No. 8: It's Not Over - Daughtry (YE: 17)
I fucking despise Daughtry. As my friend Ethan once said, they're Nickleback without the personality. They're a band from the late 2000s everybody seemed to forget about, and I can see why, because I don't think you'd WANT to remember these guys. They escaped my list in 2009, and I am not making that mistake again, mostly because this song is way worse. Borderline no melody, horrific vocals from lead singer Chris Daughtry (HE NAMED THE BAND AFTER HIMSELF OHMYFUCKINGGODWHY), the guitars are weightless, the drums have no punch, the lyrics are flat nothingness. There is nothing to enjoy about this track, but somehow so much to hate. Every little touch pisses me off. The way Daughtry man destroys words, the wall of sound that is the hook, the mini guitar solo that sounds like absolute ass, and how the entire track just has this linger of guilt & angst. But worst of all is how fucking slow it is. Dear god, the tempo is like 20bpm. The song screams "It's not over!", and they're not wrong. The track is only 3:34 in length, but it feels like 6 minutes. I don't even know what to say about this song. I'm repeatedly listening to it as we speak, trying to critique it, trying to make jokes, but I can't. This is just absolutely empty, a molasses covered, sluggish, fermented sewage of a track. Fuck this song & this band. Hannah fucking Montana has more grit then this horseshit.
But you know what's worse then 2007 Nickleback wannabes? How about the original! Now, Nickleback had a couple of hits in 2007, each probably could have taken this spot. But of course, in TechJet fashion, I picked the one that would piss the most people off.
No. 7: Rockstar - Nickleback (YE: 36)
This song is so much worse than I remembered. I never hated Nickleback honestly, pretty forgettable most of the time. But this is just horrendous. First, the most obvious problem, these fucking vocals. Jesus Christ. I've never been a fan of Chad "I have 4 forms of lung cancer & just chugged a Tim Hortons coffee" Kroegur's weird, rough, scraggy vocals, but this has gotta be them at their absolute worst. The way he emphasizes some notes make me grit my teeth. And the melody he's singing just makes him stretch his voice in the absolute worst way. And when the chorus comes along it somehow gets way WAY worse. Y'know how everyone can just wreck their voice and do a horrible Chad impression? That's what he sounds like: a bad impression of himself. Embarrassing, even for Nickleback standards. It's not like the production is any better either. It's your standard Nickleback slog, just with a more annoying guitar line, and some REALLY annoying adlibs. Jesus Christ in the fucking garden, these adlibs. There is no point in your song where ANYONE should have to mutter the words "I'll have the quesadilla, ha, ha" unironically. Even if this is ironic though (which it totally could be), it's still horrible to listen to. And the actual lyrics are arguably even worse.
"I'm through with standin' in lines to clubs I'll never get in/It's like the bottom of the ninth and I'm never gonna win"
Oh no, you don't want to stand in lines! Woah is me, what ever shall you do?
"I want a brand new house on an episode of Cribs/And a bathroom I can play baseball in"
...just fucking stupid really.
"And a king size tub big enough/For 10 plus me"
Do you really want to be in a tub with 10 other people? I'm sure you're implying "fuck yeah I get to be wet with 10 other girls!", but like, do you really want to be in a fucking bath with 10 people?
...maybe I'm just not as straight as I thought...
"My own star on hollywood boulevard/Somewhere between Cher and James Dean is fine for me"
Hollywood stars are alphabetical. You literally CAN'T do that one. This isn't even a "oh that's insane that'll never happen", this is a "That's literally impossible". 1 quick google search could've prevented this, but nah, apparently researching things for 2 minutes is way too hard.
"I think I'm gonna dress my ass/With the latest fashion"
Easily the worst way to deliver that line, congrats
"Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial"
Do they? Aight, suit yourself. I might not be a rockstar, but at least I'm not getting fucking arrested.
Do you kinda get the jist of it? It isn't just the content (which yes is stupid beyond belief), but it's the way it's delievered. The wording and phrasing puts every line in the most awkward, uncomfortable light. And this isn't helped by the vocals, making the lines sound even cornier then they should be. Look, I get the songs appeal, people like fantasy songs like this, it's just really, REALLY not for me.
Easy way to get on my list: Be a cunt. Good job Avril.
No. 6: Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne (YE: 12)
Oh Avril, I used to love you. Remember Complicated? Remember Sk8er Boi? Both were fantastic, fuck that entire album was fantastic! But this? The epitome of toxic highschool drama. These lyrics are just so bitchy. The song came out 10 years ago and I'm still mildy shocked over it. I don't think I really need to elaborate on why these lyrics are awful. It's 4 minutes of Avril Lavigne screaming at this dude because she doesn't like his current girlfriend, and thinks that she can do it better. To be fair Avril, you do get some points for being straightforward and upfront on how you think you're better than this girl, but you instantly lose them for being a total cunt about it. But I'd argue that the lyrics aren't even the worst part of this song. This overall sound of the song is fucking mind melting. The melody of the prechorus is broken, and everywhere else is just grating, the claps, guitars and drums form together into a sound that I can only see being used to drive foreigners away, and Avril is literally FUCKING SCREAMING. SHE IS NOT SINGING, SHE IS ACTUALLY YELLING AT THIS GUY AND AT YOU IN TURN. But the worst part is easily the bridge. It's this cheerleader bullshit that you hear in Shake It Off by T-Swizzle, but even worse this time. The melody she sings makes the bridge sound genuinely satanic. But yeah, not much to say about this one. Everyone hates this song, and the people who don't are already fully aware of all it's problems. Terrible song, so bad that it borderline ruined her career. Sad, really.
I LOVE pop music. I've said it before, it's easily my favourite genre. So, when I hear bad pop music, especially when it's from an established artist I like, it hits a lot closer & harder to me. I can almost guarantee that every single worst list of mine will have a pop song for this reason and almost this reason only. So, here's this list's pop music entry, and ho boy is it something special.
No. 5: Wind It Up - Gwen Stefani (YE: 83)
Everything about this song is grating. The yodeling intro that I'm fairly certain is sampled from something, Stefani's dead but still cutesy & valley girl delivery on the verses that sounds like a chipmunk with lung cancer, the dead as fuck beat, the repetition of the phrase "WINDITUPPPPPPP", the fact that the verses have the exact same flow as the fucking DK rap and once you notice it you can't fucking ignore it. Everything about this is so ungodly annoying. Listening to this song while writing this, I feel like my brain is trying to cut off it's connection to my ears because it's sick of this bullshit. And the lyrics are as fucking stupid as you'd expect them to be. So please, come with me on a journey while I critique all these lyrics to the deepest level.
"And the boys all look, but no, they can't touch/But the girls want to know why the boys like us so much"
You're a fucking idiot.
"They like way we dance, they like the way we work/They like the way the L.A.M.B. is going 'cross my shirt"
You're a fucking idiot.
"They like the way my pants, it compliments my shape (She's crazy, right?)/They like the way we react everytime we dance"
You're a fucking idiot.
"But see, once it gets in, the poppin' begins/And then you find out, why all the boys stare"
You're a fucking idiot.
"They're trying to bite our style/Trying to study our approach/They like the way we do it, so original"
You're a fucking idiot.
"I know he thinks you're fine and stuff/But does he know how to wind you up?"
Actually this ones pretty fair to be honest.
How the fuck did the song she made with fucking Akon become a pop masterpiece, yet the one she didn't do with him become a disaster? It makes no sense. Never come back Gwen, unless you get Eve to tag along, anything is worth Eve coming back.
As bad as this last song is, at the very least it isn't Rihanna comparing herself & her vagina to literal motorized vehicles. Yeah, I aint makin any friends with this one am I?
No. 4: Shut Up And Drive - Rihanna (YE: 90)
Now I'm going to ignore the fact of how many commercials this was in and how that was one of the reasons it scraped onto the year end list. It was basically The Walker of 2007. Now, with that out of the way, let's disect why this is an absolute fucking disaster on every single level. Firstly, the opener. That fucking guitar is mixed SO badly. It's like someone recorded it off of an iPhone, uploaded it to Limewire & downloaded a shitty cover of it. And it only goes downhill from there. The guitar gets even more obnoxious, the drums have absolutely no pattern and one of the most fucked rhythms I've heard on a top 20 hit, the thick fuzzy guitar that completely shitfaces the other one, the synth line that sounds like your alarm clock was possesed, all mixed at varying wrong levels that I swear to fucking god shift as the song goes on.
Secondly, Rihanna herself. Girl, Ri Ri, I love ya, but what the fuck are you doing? Rihanna has never sounded so nasally, she might've actually had a cold when this was recorded. And the falsetto she does on the pre chorus is fucking awful. But what puts me on edge the most is the structure of the verses. There's a couple of lines where she randomly cuts herself off. You can tell the areas where she runs out of breath, because some lines have a fine flow to them, and others are cut very close together, sounding like a genuine jump cut. Her delivery doesn't help either. The way she pronounces some words is really puzzling. It's like she's in the studio giving a thumbs up or down to her producer to see if she said it properly or not. I can just imagine Rihanna's seriously confused expression while she stares at her lyric sheet and ponders the age old question of how the fuck you're supposed to pronounce "Cadillac".
Thirdly (is that proper? Eh, who fuckin cares), these car sexual innuendos. I probably should've saved that dick-exhaust pipe joke for this, because some of these are just fucking shameless.
"I'm a fine-tuned supersonic speed machine/With a sunroof top and a gangster lean"
Ok, I get the gangster lean part, that's meant to basically be taken literally. But what the fuck does sunroof top mean? I guess the sunroof is supposed to refer to a shirt because it ends with "top" right, but why is it specified as a sunroof? Is it because you can pull the sun roof up an-
oh...
oh fuck off
"So if you feel me let me know, know, know/Come on now what you waiting for, for, for/My engine's ready to explode, explode, explode"
G R O S S
"Cos I'm 0 to 60 in three point five"
Wait, is this supposed to mean you, well, "don't last very long"? That's not really a compliment is it? It's certainly an insult to guys, so I presume it is to girls too. Yo girls, can you tell me?
"Got all the drive but a whole lot of boom in the back"
o h m y f u c k i n g g o d p l e a s e
This is just dumb. So fucking dumb. I get that this was Rihanna's way to break into her "I'm a dude-fucking connoisseur" phase that all female pop stars need to go through, but couldn't she have done it in a better way then this? So annoying and cringey, I can't stand it. It's saved from the top 3 because Rihanna looks hot as fuck in the music video and I'm a dumb teenager that can be swayed very easily. Whoops.
Rant on mainstream hip-hop: GO!
Hip-hop in the mid to late 2000s was fucking atrocious. The "sub genre", if you want to call it that, is what most people like to call "Ringtone Rap", basically every shitty rap song from the years of 2005-2008 was lumped into this bucket. And as much as I like to be that special little snowflake in the minority, yeah, these songs are awful. So fucking awful that they were going to occupy the majority of this list, but I decided against it. Instead, I just picked the worst one, to represent all these horrible tracks. And trust me, is this not just the worst thing ever.
No. 3: We Fly High - Jim Jones (as well as the entire Ringtone rap genre) (YE: 28)
It's no surprise that the same dude that made Pop Champagne also made this massive disaster. Everything about this represents everything rong with ringtone rap. This broken ass beat actually hurts my brain to listen to. Not because of how annoying it is (although I do plead the fifth) but because of how basic and fucking broken it is. It's so fucking empty. Claps that barely register, A shitty synth line that blatantly mirrors the vocal melody, and some intrusions of bass every now and then just to remind you that yes, you are listening to an actual song. Everything is just so fucking basic. The song doesn't even properly fade out, it fucking hard cuts. HARD CUTS. THIS HIT THE TOP 5.
But, after hearing his other songs, this seems to be clockwork to Jim Jones. But I don't think I've ever heard him sound THIS dead inside. On the verses he has his standard shtick of being mildly intrigued but vaguely confused, but on the hook he sounds straight up depressed. Out of breath even. Also, there's this uncredited female "singer" on the bottom half of the hook, and she sounds about just as bad. Brilliant.
Now I know what you're about to say "oh the lyrics to this don't matter" and sure, let's say they don't. Still gonna mine them for comedic value anyways.
"We fly high, no lie, you know this (Balling!)"
Oh fuck I forgot, this is where that dumb fuckin "Ballin" shit started. Ok, quick rant time.
Ballin. I fucking hate this term so much. Anytime I hear it or even just see it typed out, my brain imagines the douchiest of high school boys. Y'know, those cunts with the snapbacks that still have the stickers on the top because who the fuck knows, do that dumb fucking hand thing that looks like you're trying to give yourself Parkinson's somehow, scrawny teen white boys that wear "Thrasher" t-shirts because they think they're hot shit, constantly blast Kevin Gates and Logic (who are both awful in completely different ways) through their overpriced earbuds, sporting those shitty fucking shorts that make you look like a nerd with a budget, and those fucking garbage overpriced shoes. Y'know, THOSE guys? Ballin just conjures an image of them flipping a bottle, or making the easiest basketball shot in history, or sometimes just walking down the fucking hallways and just SCREAMING "BALLLLLLIINNNN" and god I hate it so fucking much. I should not have to hear BALLLIINNN in 2017. I gave you hockey cunts saying "DECENT" for everything, the excruciating "Sauce Me" as a sorry substitute for "pass me", which just sounds fucking disgusting, and even how you end every single fucking sentence with "bud" because apparently you didn't think the Canadian stereotype was strong enough. Um, anyways, isn't there lyrics I'm supposed to make fun of?
"Ya boy getting paper (Money), I buy big cars (Foreign)"
*clapping emoji*
"So we lean wit it, pop wit it (Bankhead)"
So...what is the "bankhead" adlib supposed to mean? Is that some hood term my white brain just doesn't compute with?
Oh, it's legit just a part of Atlanta. Well, considering this has no context to the line before it and you AREN'T EVEN FROM FUCKING ATLANTA, you do not get to pass go NOR collect $200.
"Slow down, tonight may be gone tomorrow (One Chance!)"
Is this a fucking Simple Plan lyric dear lord.
"I made the whip get naked (What Happen?!)"
Ok, I'm trying to follow along here. So your whip is your car right? So you get it naked which means...you scratched off it's paint? You got it cleaned? Why would you brag about this? Wait, are you trying to compare your "whip" to a girl, and you're getting HER naked?
...fuck I should've payed more attention to "Shut Up and Drive" huh.
"The rap game like the crack game"
Aint touchin that one. Nice try cunt, you a cop or somethin?
"This Dipset ByrdGang we born to fly"
Wow, you're a total loser! Not like I didn't already know that though. Screw this dogshit and it's entire genre. Yes, I'm generalizing. Find me 1 single decent ringtone rap song and...well, I still won't take back this statement, but you could atleast make me look like a hypocrite.
All of you were expecting this to be No. 1. It probably should be, I fucking hate this. It's disgusting, both in sound and morals. But after a bunch of relistens (yes, a BUNCH. I'm a dumbass I know), another song topped it. But oh my god, is this song totally fucking disgusting.
No. 2: I Wanna Fuck You - Akon ft Snoop Dog (YE: 8)
This is seriously terrifying to listen to. Akon's blunt tone & chip tune music box thing is so fucking creepy. Which isn't inherently a HORRIBLE thing, to be fair. But I have a fairly strong reason to believe this is supposed to be seen as sexy, which it is nowhere close.
"I see you winding and grinding up on that pole,/I know you see me lookin' at you and you already know/I wanna fuck you, you already know"
Soooooo creepy. The phrase "I want to fuck you" is already shameless and juvenile enough, but what puts everything over the edge is the "you already know" part. Now I'm not gonna run off on a tangent about "moral" or "ethics" or any of that bullshit, I think we can just all unanimously agree that this line is fucking creepy. Everything from the production mentioned before, Akon's atrocious vocals and his already mentioned tone, but it's also the way everything rolls off the tongue. Nothing this fucking disgusting should be THIS catchy and borderline melodic. That's why it's put so high on this list. Plenty of songs are disgusting, vulgar, creepy, those aren't that unusal. But the fact that this disaster can be easily sang along to is what creeps me out so much. You can have that one horrific hook stuck into your head for weeks.
Now thank god Akon isn't alone on this song (pretty sure if he was he'd be swimming in restraining orders rather then pussy), we got Snoop Dogg handling the verses. Good ol' Snoop Doggy Dog. D O Double fuckin G. Yeah, his verses suck ass.
"Money in the air as more feel grab you by your coat tail take you to the motel"
Alright, well that's probably illegal. Dope.
"Take a picture with me, what the flick gonna do, baby stick to me & I'mma stick on you"
I'd usually say that this line is hilarious, but I don't think anything in the context of this beat & tone can be anything near entertaining.
"if you pick me then I'mma pick on you, d-o-double g and I'm here to put this dick on you,"
Classy.
"and I'mma get me a shot for the end of the night 'cause pussy is pussy and baby you're pussy for life."
This is the lamest line to EVER hit No. 1. And yes, this hit No. 1. The song titled "I Wanna Fuck You" (adapted by radio to be "I Wanna *LOVE* You" because lol swearwordsarebad) was on the top of the charts for 2 weeks. Fucking embarrassing.
And all those lines were in the first fucking verse. I could be here forever just shitting on these dumb fucking bars (ex.: "you know my pedigree, ex-dealer use to move phetamines,", proving once again Akon is a jackass). But I have better things to do. Because yes, we still have another entry to go. This, somehow, ISN'T my top spot. So what is? Well, to give you a bit of room to breathe from this disaster, here's a couple of other songs that aren't AS horrible, but still deserve a sentence or two of my time.
D.M 8: Beautfiul Liar - Shakira & Beyonce (YE: 62)
Honorary No. 11. I hate everything about it, but both gals here sound fine I guess.
D.M 9: Summer Love - Justin Timberlake (YE: 39)
This melody and especially this synth sounds so fucking stupid. But, yet again, Justin can still perform his ass.
D.M 10: Smack That - Akon ft Eminem (YE: 15)
This weird as fuck beat sounds awful with Akons voice. The melody is awful, and Eminem spits generic garbage. How this almost hit No. 1 I have no idea.
D.M 11: Bed - J. Holiday (YE: 72)
I actually have nothing to say about this one, it's just garbage.
D.M 12: Ayo Technology - 50 Cent ft Justin Timberlake (YE: 87)
D.M 13: You - Lloyd ft Lil Wayne (YE; 40)
Lloyd is still a fucking loser.
D.M 14: If Everyone Cared - Nickleback (YE: 50)
Probably would've made the list if I "cared" about it *Seinfeld theme plays*
I like to think every song has some redeeming quality. Even on this list of songs I all fucking despise, even if they aren't things I like, I can see them as things that are positive. Beautiful Girls is upbeat, Get it Shawty is catchy, It's Not Over is powerful, Rockstar has some fantasized lyrics people can get lost into, Girlfriend has a pop rock groove (it's a horrible one, but it's there), Wind It Up arguably has a likable sentiment to some people, Shut Up And Drive can be seen as sexy (if you're into the imagery of Rihanna slamming her vagina into the windshield of a Ford Focus), ringtone rap is catchy, even I Want To Fuck You has a melody. At the very least, barebones laws of music, it has a melody you can latch onto. This song, has absolutely nothing. It might not be as "offensive" as the previous entry, but to me it is. This song has absolutely nothing to offer, and who else could be behind this monstrosity of a track, then fucking Baby Bash.
No. 1: Cyclone - Baby Bash ft T-Pain (YE: 84)
I fucking HATE this. Every single part of this song is fucking infuriating. Let's start of with this production, which is headache inducing. The flat as fuck bass, the screechy synth, the other synth that sounds like a shitty horn line, the fucked melody, the off synced claps that barely register, how the synth buries itself under what seems to be nothing, making it sound more muffled then it should be, or how about when it gets more high pitched at T-Pains verse, seemingly by accident? All of it fucking angers me.
Then, you got T-Pain. When he isn't making adlibs that sound like he's having a seizure, he's doing absolutely nothing. Because, despite the fact he was the go to hook guy for the mid to late 2000s, apparently his paycheck wasn't big enough this time, and he's given 1 short, shitty verse instead.
"Shortie got looks/And shortie got class/Shortie got hips/And shortie got ass"
Pathetic, really.
But then, we have the man himself, Baby Bash. Where to fucking start with this man. To start, this hook he is doing is probably one of, if not the worst of the decade. Grating, annoying, non catchy, other synonyms of "dogshit" you can think of probably apply. But what puts it over the top, skyrocketing this to the top slot, these fucking lyrics. I absolutely hate this dumb as fuck metaphor. Baby Bash, level with me, if you will. I've never been a fan of your whispery delivery that sounded like you recorded this in your room when it was past your bedtime, hoping your parents didn't hear, or your hilarious attempts at singing that made you sound like Paris Hilton was shived in the throat, but you were atleast easily ignorable. I liked Suga Suga like everyone else, it's an excellent song. So why in gods name of fucking hell did you go from sugar metaphors & puns, to comparing your girl to natural fucking disasters? Is that REALLY the niche you felt needed to be filled in the mainstream? "Man, she just moves her body like a cyclone!". What does this even mean. Let's see...really fast? Spinning? Doubt it. Maybe he means that the way she moves kills dude, like blows them away? Oh who am I kidding, this doesn't fucking mean anything. I would like to blame Baby Bash for his annoying ass voice, but it's actually not him from what I've researched, it's this uncredited cunt named "Mikael". Whoever it is, I fucking hate him. Now what I CAN blame Baby Bash for is his verses which, fuck me, let's go down this rabbit hole, shall we?
"I look at that dumper on the back a that bumper/She ain't even playing when shes shaking that rumpa"
How can one man be so incompetent at rapping. "Dumper on the back a that bumper" sounds like some shit you'd hear in a shitty show on MTV.
"And oh you ain't know/She gets lower than a muffla"
Oh yeah, mufflers. SO sexy.
"She wanna put it on me/Trying to show me her tsunami"
Absolutely fucking disgusting. Ally of Fifth Harmony saying she'll "turn this bed into an ocean" on Work From Home is bad enough, but saying tsunami implying that it's a massive wave is just so much worse. Nothing gets a girl goin more then "Yo bitch, your pussy is a reoccurring problem to Japan!"
"Now there she go again/Riding through the stormy weather/You better button up if you wanna go getta"
Considering you're in a strip club (from what I can tell), a "stormy weather" is DEFINITELY the worst possible phrase to describe any situation. Unless, y'know, jizz & various fluids are literally raining down which, hey I'M not here to kink shame, I'm just hear to tell you how shit you are at rapping.
"Now you can Google download the iTunes"
Did you legit just advertise your song in the middle of your song? Go fuck yourself.
"Stiletto so fuego/She got her own label/And got us all doing her tornado"
Ignoring that fucking stiletto line which yes is very stupid, um, are you saying YOU guys are doing the tornado? I thought she was doing it. Now I REALLY want to know what tornado is supposed to mean in this context. It can't just be stripping or dancing (I don't think Baby Bash, let alone the rest of the dudes he's lumping into this line, are really into that). Is it REALLY supposed to mean...y'know, the "stormy weather" thing, which if so, Jesus Christ, this is the deepest, indepth, and easily the dumbest sexual metaphor I've ever heard.
I absolutely cannot fathom how people bought this. Taste is subjective I know, but do people really want to hear this dull but still excruciatingly vapid and annoying club banger that can't even fucking bang? With a shell of a rapper, a nobody on the hook, a wasted T-Pain and absolutely disgusting bars that aren't even funny bad? Everything about this track is awful. Not a single positive to be found anywhere. Unless, I guess, if your fetish is girls with vaginas that can flood a city, then I'm sure this song is right up your alley! A lot of you will disagree with this being No. 1, but I can't imagine anything else taking this place, and anybody else as untalented, atrocious, and down right offensive as Baby Bash, to take the place as The Worst Song of 2007, the worst year.
Girlfriend was seriously the biggest "Whuuut?" from Avril Lavigne's career. Like, what happened here?
ReplyDeleteWhy did you release this song?
Why is your name credited as songwriter?
WHUUUUT?
No mention of "Better Than Me" by Hinder? That's easily the worst rock song of 2007 in my opinion.
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