Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2014

I liked 2014 music more than most people seemed to, but I get why it's a generally disliked year for the most part. Pop music seemed so much...slower than usual. The charts were stagnant as fuck, causing songs you'd NEVER think had a shot of hitting the YE somehow getting onto it (Did anyone even know Studio by Schoolboy Q existed before the 2014 YE?). And that reflected the actual music as well. All the songs seemed pretty lifeless. Each No. 1 we got was boring nonsense, and the fun songs were few and far between. So, it's time for the worst of them. And unlike most years, the Canadian YE was actually a LOT different from the US one, so expect to see quite a few songs from the frigid North show up here. Speaking of shitty Canadian hits, lets start this shit already. The Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2014!


I don't hate Dark Horse. It's not NEARLY as bad as some people put it out to be. Sure it's lyrically hypocritical, and complete nonsense, but so was her NEXT hit.

No. 10: This Is How We Do - Katy Perry (US: N/A / CA: 61)

This is just annoying. Horrible sounds and loops just haunt this track and ruin the admittedly decent melody buried underneath. All the sounds incorporated into this mess just sound so fucking bad. All parts of this song is pretty awful. The pre chorus consisting of only the phrase "It's no big deal!" that just gets progressively louder and more annoying as it goes on, the fucking adlibs (don't even get me fucking started on that shit), and most importantly, Katy's dead ass performance. Now she's always sang like she's simultaneously getting fireworks getting shot up her vagina, but this is her at her worst. Fuck barely singing, she's barely TRYING. It might as well be called spoken word if that wasn't so disrespectful towards anything else considered spoken word. Everything just isn't sounding right or placed properly. Towards the end of the song, Katy literally says "Bring the beat back" as the song fades out, just so it can fade back in for 25 seconds of absolute nothingness. Fucking embarrassing.

And the lyrics are...certainly something. Now I get that these lyrics are SUPPOSED to be dumb, that's kinda what she's going for here, but because I'm an asshole I'm gonna critique her shitty lines anyways.

"Playing ping pong all night long, everything's all neon and hazy"

So, you got high as shit while playing ping pong? That's like something you'd see in a fucking Adam Sandler movie.

"Straight stuntin' yeah we do it like that"

Oh Katy, sweetie, please never say "stuntin" ever again. Like, ever. Fucking e v e r.

"Now we talking astrology, getting our nails did, all Japanese-y"

Fuck, now THIS is a fucking line aint it. Subtle racism, horrific grammar, a mind numbing rhyme scheme (rhyming hotties with astrology with Japanese-y damn near hurts my head) AND all total bullshit?

Christ, Azealia Banks flashbacks hit you like a truck, don't they?

Total garbage. Shitty loser music made by a now loser in music. Fitting that this song is called "This Is How We Do" when you didn't end up doing anything after it, huh?



So what's worse than a song made by a complete loser? A song made by TWO complete losers!

No. 9: We Are Stars - Virginia to Vegas ft Alyssa Reid (US: N/A / CA: 57)

First off, this mans name is fucking stupid. "Virginia to Vegas"? What does that even mean? A pain in the ass to get through? Well, can't say he isn't accurate, because this is a weird type of awful. A popular worst list contender for 2014 is Cool Kids by Echosmith (which is horrible, no denying that), but it will unfortunately not show up on this list. Mostly because this is a way worse version of it in every single way. Out of everything about this song, the sound and structure is the only interesting part of it, mostly because it's shit. This production takes the weirdest turns possible. On the verses it's just a synth with a shockingly fucked pattern and nothing else, then you have Alyssa Reid's pre-chorus which is composed solely of the most annoying whistle melody this side of The Whistle Song by Juelez Santana and nothing else, which then leads into the chorus that blasts in out of nowhere with no build up with NEITHER of these formerly mentioned elements. While the 2 verses are barren as all hell, the chorus is cluttered with all your standard pop cliches. Basic drums, muted cymbals, and a fuzzy synth you can barely hear, all mixed horribly under Virgin to Vagina's awful voice. He sounds absolutely passionless. Alyssa Reid arguably fairs a bit better, because while she is a worse singer, she at least sounds like she's trying on her parts, so I give her some credit there (about all the credit you'll EVER see me give to Alyssa fucking Reid).

So this songs content is basically "You're a star, believe in yourself!", which is fine. I'm not THAT much of a soulless bastard. But I'm sure that people who like these types of songs can find more inspiring lyrics than THIS right?

"Everything's so small when you're on top of the world/It's hard to understand what's still yet to unfold"

Good job making the FIRST LINE in your song about believing in yourself to be a humble brag about your success that isn't even fucking true. A 2 for 1 deal of douchebaggyness. Truly a legend of our time.

"Living life like it's just a game of blackjack"

What the fuck does this even mean? I live life by repeatedly yelling "hit me"? I live life like I'm expecting to lose and ended up losing? Failing to see how this is flattering in ANY light.

"We are lovers/We are into loving"

Filler.jpeg

Absolutely pathetic excuse for a self empowerment anthem. It isn't Fight Song levels of bad, but god damn is it fucking up there.


DJ Mustard plagued all of 2014, notching 6 songs on the YE (7 if you count Fancy, which I absolutely do), and I was fine with it. I like a majority of the songs, a couple of them being my favourites of this year! But, I have my limits. This is the song that broke me. This disgusting, rancid, atrocious song.

No. 8: No Mediocre - T.I ft Iggy Azalea (US: 87 / CA: N/A)

Holy fucking shit this song. How the fuck did I used to LIKE this? This beat is basic and grating, even for Mustard. Instead of gooey bass and cheap but enjoyable synths, you get cheap synths and cheap claps, cheap EVERYTHING. Nothing to this beat grabs you, it's missing a foundation to it. Yes, the foundation to the song is MISSING A FOUNDATION. Now you see my problem. But the beat is the least of my problems, it's everything T.I put his own grimey hands on. This hook? Garbage. This melody? Unlistenable. His verses? Fucking ABYSMAL.

"Right hand in the air, I solemnly swear/I never fuck a bitch if she don’t do her hair, no more"

Oh, so THAT'S your definition of mediocre. Certainly wouldn't be MY first abolishment, but suit yourself.

"You won’t get no dick if it’s a bush down there"

Alright, I get it I get it, you don't li-

"Girl, I should see nothing but pussy when I look down there"

AIGHT T.I WE GET IT DUDE. YOU LIKE IT SHAVED. MOVE ON PLEASE. Look, I'm sorry, but when people tell me that T.I is a legitimately good rapper, I can't help but point out him spending 4 lines in a row on fucking clit hair.

"I’m kicked back with four pieces like a Kit Kat"

Wow, I didn't know Big Sean was your ghost writer!

"I just handed her the keys to a new drop Jag/When she took it, I took it back, you shoulda asked for a Benz/That’s mediocre bitch!"

Ok... so, you handed this girl keys to a new car, and when she took them graciously, you snatched them back and said "Fuck you bitch, you should want a newer car! Fuckin idiot!"

...really? This is some Tom and Jerry bait and switch horseshit right here. Fuck off T.I.

"Out here trying to find someone that better than my last ho/Take her to my castle, drown her in my cash flow"

Alright pimp master Mario, fuckin hell. Princess Peach aint cuttin it for you?

"Say your dick so little she can fit it in her asshole/Told me she can't ride this shit no further than a cab go"

...not quite sure what I can say about this one honestly, kind of a car crash of a line, where it's so horrible you can't help but stare at it.

"Said I got that dumb dick, she wanna be my tutor/So she give me brain, getting head on the scooter"

Alright this line is pretty dope, I can't lie.

"Super thick, pretty face, ménage à veinte/20 at the same time, wanna get ya rent paid?

Oh fuck off cunt. "Menage a veinte". You're so so so so fucking awful my god.

Coupled all of this shit with the repeating of words to fill up space, rhyming words with themselves (and no, it's not some internal rhyme shit that I'm blowing by, he just sometimes chooses not to rhyme properly. The years have gotten to him it seems), and his nasally annoying slurred voice makes these verses some of the worst of the year. Bottom 3 material for sure. But then, out of nowhere, an unexpected hand of god tries to drag this song out of the mud it's fucking stuck in.

"Heard he want to lay it down on Iggy Iggy/Gave it to him twice, now he want a 3, Mike Bibby/Diva, but I need a bad boy, rest in peace, Whitney/Pardon me but I don’t think none of these bitches fucking with me"

Yes, Iggy Azalea. Fucking IGGY AZALEA is the savior of this song. She bursts in with a fuckton of swagger and charisma, with a decent amount of solid bars as well. She kills her verse, makes this song WAY lower than it should've been. Congrats T.I, you can pick good features. Maybe next time you can pick good bars as well!


I fucking hate Hedley, no surprise there. They had 3 songs on the YE, and it was a tough choice between which one belonged on this list.

No. 7: Heaven In Our Headlights - Hedley (US: N/A / CA: 52)

An absolute grower when it comes to annoyance. At first it's fairly tolerable, actually pretty competent for Hedley standards. But once you find 1 little problem, the entire track crumbles. First off, the weird ass title. "Heaven In Our Headlights" what is that even supposed to mean? Being honest, I have no clue, and I can't be fucked to go to Genius and find out, so maybe with context it'll make more sense?

"'Cause if you and I could stay this high with heaven in our headlights/I swear that we can make it anywhere."

So this is supposed to be something this girl is supposed to have? The only thing that's popping into my head is Jacob Hoggard telling this girl that heavin is in her headlights, meaning death is relatively close, which makes me infer he's going to fucking kill her.

"So light up and show me some love, you crazy little runaway."

Oh fuck, this is disturbing aint it. Either he's a total creep, or an arsonist. Possibly both, actually,

"We're like Bonnie and Clyde making off with Mary Jane."

Ok nevermind, he means lighting up some weed...what does this have to do with anything.

I'm so fucking confused.

"And if you’re missing in the morning, M.I.A.,"

OH NEVERMIND THAT NEVERMIND HE IS LITERALLY ABOUT TO KILL HER. SOUND THE FUCKING ALARM. WE GOT A HOGGARD ON THE LOOSE.

This sounds fucking horrendous. So many terrible elements that don't remotely mash together with each other. The piano is both bland, the twinkling effects make no sense, the drums are fake as all fuck, and the percussion sounds legitimately broken. It's like someone shoved Animal from The Muppets into a locked room only containing 1 drum and a fork. If that wasn't terrible enough, the song is filled with the awful atmospheric effects that hammer into your skull by travelling from the back to the very front of the mix in the most awkward sequence I've ever heard. All being murdered under one of Jacob Hoggards honestly more tolerable performance. He still sounds fucking horrible, but at least he's *almost* on beat this time!

Awful, just fucking awful. Might be a bit too high out of my Hedley bias, but I don't care. I still can't fucking stand it.


EDM absolutely exploded in 2013, and 2014 cemented it as a household genre, as a current replacement to all the club music. Now while I'm sure a lot of people were happy to switch out Kesha and Flo Rida for Calvin Harris and Avicii, I sure as fuck wasn't. I'm ok with it now yeah (well I'm actually still not, my bae Kesha needs to come back), but 2014 EDM was AWFUL. So because of this, I just picked a song to represent the worst of them. And whats a better choice than to pick the most disappointing and most overrated of them?

No. 6: Break Free - Ariana Grande ft Zedd (US: 37 / CA: 33)

The song that put me off EDM for a solid year. I ignored the entire genre because of this absolute disaster. Screw the song actually, you don't even need to hear it, just listen to the intro. Yes, I too love the sound of Geometry Wars and Space Invaders furiously fucking in a wind tunnel. Sets a marvelous tone. And the production doesn't get much better as the song continues. The verses have this really boring backing beat. It does sound like the template to a dance song sure, but not quite what the final product should be. Which contrasts horribly to the chorus, where the synths start ramming into each other until the end of the chorus where every sound crashes into each other and completely drops off the face of the Earth. This exact same process repeats again for the 2nd verse too, only way fucking louder. I've never liked Zedd because of these reasons. His music never sounded *right* to me. Nothing came together properly, it was just a bunch of random sounds that might sound pretty and soothing sure, until they all decide to crash into each other, knocking you out of the mood entirely. He just grabs every instrument and basically any object he can get his hands on to create this horrific wall of sound that just sounds like shit, no nicer way to put it. Also, that outro? Worst outro of the year, no doubt. But no one gives a fuck about Zedd, that wasn't why this song was popular. It was because of the main performer, Ariana Grande.

I like Ariana. She's got personality, she can hit a note (which is pretty surprising from a pop star, let alone a Disney one, gotta be honest), and she can usually pick good instrumentation to sing over. Well, this time she didn't, so she has to pay for it. And apparently that cost is slurring your words into a jumbled mess? I like to think I'm pretty decent at picking out lyrics from songs by just listening to them, but this one I absolutely NEEDED a lyric sheet for. There are times she's just fucking incomprehensible.

What I hear: "Like a deli, feel my hand babe/On the highway to hell"

What It Is: Like a deadly fever, yeah, babe/On the highway to hell"

How do I get it THAT wrong you ask? It isn't the beat drowning her out, because like I said, the verses have some Garage Band shit. It's like what songs sound like in Guitar Hero when you can't be fucked to hit any of the notes. It's her voice, which sounds like she just ran a marathon. But really, it's not like the majority of these lyrics were any good to begin with.

"I only wanna die alive"

One of the stupidest lyrics of the year, hands down. You only wanna die alive huh? As opposed to what, exactly? Sounds like some Simple Plan shit you'd hear a 15 year old white girl with greasy straight hair scream at a slam poetry reading,

"Thought on your body/I came alive"

Alright girl, calm down with the content there! Trying to keep this PG, thank you very much!

I have no explanation on why she sounds THIS airy and sloppy. More than likely, right before she entered the recording booth, Big Sean jumped out of nowhere screaming "SEAN DON, BOY I DO IT", fucked her until literal pain (inspiring the absolute classic Ariana track "Side to Side", which would be released 2 years after this incident), Big Sean finishes while chanting "ASS QUAKE, ASS QUAKE, ASS QUAKE", then sprints out of the studio, leaving Ariana in the dust exhausted, forced to perform the song out of breath. Now that's absolutely ridiculous I know, but:

a) You can't prove me wrong, and

b) It's still WAY more interesting than the song itself. Next.


Miley Cyrus, what the fuck were you thinking?

No. 5: 23 - Everyone (US: 90 / CA: N/A)

I have never heard a song this fucking dead inside. There's a bunch of elements sure, but not only are none of them good, none of them have any energy at all. Fucking Christ, the GANG VOCALS sound like they don't want to be there! Everything production element is dead. The tortured, demented alarm clock, the percussion that couldn't give less of a fuck, and the very quiet drums that is borderline impossible to notice. Everything sound wrong, but more importantly *feels* wrong. It's a song about Michael Jordan, why is everything so haunting and creepy? This is supposed to be epic sounding, bombastic and heavy. But instead we get a flat, sludgy disaster of a beat from none other than Mike WILL Made It, who is apparently given lead billing? Producers barely ever get lead billing like this, I can only assume it was because no one else wanted to take credit for this trash.

Now singing offkey and terrible Desiigner type "BRRRRAPS" on the chorus wasn't enough for Miley. No, she HAD to have a fucking rap verse. A RAP verse. Save me.

"Drinking out the bottle/ I got no respect (ay)"

Wow, you really DO have no respect. What kind of cunt drinks straight out of the bottle?

"Looking like a model,/Who just got a check (change)"

Ehhh, not clever, barely rhymed, but I guess wasn't offensive. Feeling a strong 4 to light 5.

"If you a lame, that's a shame/You can't hang with us (uh-uh)/I'm MC Hammer fly (fresh),/You can't touch (nope)"

Wow. Just WOW. Saying that lame people can't hang out with you and your "crew (?)", which spitting a wack as fuck MC Hammer line right after. This actually hurt.

"J's so fly/I should work at Flight Club"

Then you got Wiz Khalifa, who I guess has the best verse? "Best" verse? I don't know, just let me make fun of him for a couple of lines so we can get past this mess.

"I be rockin' J's or/I be rockin' Taylors"

Shoes. Riveting.

"More kicks than the players, call me up I'm scorin'/Hit it like a free throw, tongue out like I'm Jordan"

Oh good, THAT'S the MJ reference you should go for. The one about his FUCKING TONGUE.

"Miley, Miley, come swing the thing right by me"

Miley's "thing" = N/A

Last comes Juicy J, who's true skills lie in making the most awkward lines possible, so this should be good.

"Flu game 12's (ho), Space Jam 11's (bitch)"

Well, those are certainly shoes, I think. At least, that's what Google told me. But I don't really get the significan-

oh, 12 + 11 = 23. Thanks Genius. You're an idiot Juicy J.

"I'm so high, I got three bitches that go bi (pussy)"

I love the "pussy" adlib right after this line, Y'know, just in case you couldn't quite understand what he meant.

"I'm so fly, I'm gettin' head like a blowdryer"

Man that's some good deep shit right there right there. That's that REAL hip hop. That J. COLE shit that almond MILK shit.

And once you realize that this is the song that basically killed the careers of literally everyone involved: there you have it. 23 problems about 23. Didn't think I was counting, were you?

I'll admit, I don't hate Animals by Maroon 5. I actually kinda like it. But that might just be because their other hit that year was a million times worse.

No. 4: Maps - Maroon 5 (US: 29 / CA: 23)

I have barely anything to say about this one, because really, what is there to say about Maroon 5 at this point? Their album "V" was what cemented them as no longer a band. They were now Adam Levine & Maroon 4, the pop "rock" equivalent of Selena Gomez & The Scene. This is a fucking shell of a song. Production switch ups that have no cohesion, with none of them being remotely tolerable. The ear piercing screeches of Adam Levine, especially his cooing bullshit on the chorus that seriously made my right ear bleed once (that's a true story, I swear). The absolute dogshit lyrics with it's nonsense narrative, dropped rhymes and structure, and most importantly of all, the dumb as shit map metaphor that gets old about 4 lines in. A fucking worthless track, absolutely worthless. Not even gonna go in depth in this one, because what is there to go in depth on? No one gave a shit making this track, so why should I?


There is a lot of people who like this song, and I get it. It's upbeat, it's fun, it samples a well remembered song, overall pretty inoffensive. But god I can't stand this shit.

No. 3: Me & My Broken Heart - Rixton (US: 70 / CA: 68)

Let's get the obvious part out of the way first: No, I don't give a shit about the sample. It's used pretty boringly, it doesn't really offend me. What I DO care about is how bad everything else is. This was one of the Maroon 5 wannabes that spawned out of 2014, and these guys were certainly the worst, so of course they were by far the most successful in the next coming years. The Maroon 5 comparison rings more with these guys than their competition though, because this dudes voice is arguably even more annoying than Adam Levine's. His falsetto has the same ear piercing nasal tone. But more importantly, his voice is WAY to high and light to be enjoyable. It comes off as a massive cum stain on every song he sings on. But it isn't like this beat is helping him. In standard Maroon 5 fashion, this production is bland and soulless. Guitars have no sizzle, drums have no punch, piano line is pretty fine at first but gets really annoying on repeated listens, and it all sounds so bright but still so sludgy. But worst of all is the melody on the verses. Not only does it have basically no correlation to the chorus at all, which makes the transitions between the two fairly awkward to sit through, but this melody is definitely the worst of the year. It makes the dude speak like a fucked mixture of Text-to-Speech and Yoda. Who the fuck thought this was a good idea? Not only is it uncomfortable to listen to, but it just paints the lyrics in such a worse light.

"Shot gun, aimed at my heart, you got one/Tear me apart, and then some"

So this song is about some petty lovey dovey drama bullshit. I'm not gonna torture you with the whole narrative, just know that it's fucking hilarious. If you told me Drake ghost written this shit, I honestly wouldn't be surprised.

So yeah, songs awful. A Maroon 5 wannabe somehow managed to out-suck their masters. Impressive. Frustrating, but impressive.


Every single one of you thought this was No. 1, don't lie. All of you thought it, most of you thought you KNEW it.

BUT, I'm not THAT predictable.

No. 2: Wiggle - Jason Derulo ft Snoop Dogg (US: 40 / CA: 67)

Talk about fucking embarrassing. I'm sure all of you already know why this is a disgusting pile of flaming garbage, but I might as well tell you anyways. In typical fashion for my worst list: what in the everlasting fuck is this beat. This flat as shit bass that pounds into your skull, and a terrible recorder. Yes, a recorder. About as stupid of  a decision as the rest of the song. Random spring and squeaking sounds only makes it sounds even creepier.

Then of course you got the obvious problem, the songs called fucking Wiggle. I wasn't expecting an ass anthem this shameless to be some 5 Star Aesop Rock shit or anything, but I was expecting literally anything better than this.

"You know what to do with that big fat butt"

Fucking inspiring.

"Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle/Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle/Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle"

Yep. That sure is a chorus. You should be happy that I didn't make this list 2 years ago, the fuck count right now would be SKYROCKETING.

"Patty cake, Patty cake, With no hands/Got me in this club making wedding plans"

Probably shouldn't marry a girl solely on her ass Derulo, it's just a terrible idea.

Although Kanye's relationship still seems to be doing fine so ignore me.

"If I take pictures while you do your dance/I can make you famous on Instagram

Aren't you in like a club right now? Isn't that like, TOTALLY not allowed to take pictures of the dancers? Oh, and you can get them famous on Instagram huh. I'm sure that's worth a lot to them.

"Hot damn it/Your booty like two planets"

So it's big, uninhabited, and out of this world?

I mean I respect the intricacy, but you're a fucking dumbass.

"Go head, and go ham sandwich"

Ah, comparing this girl to a literal piece of meat. Classic.

"Tired of working that 9 to 5?/Oh baby let me come and change your life"

Oh, going after the working women in the world. So...is your fetish taking successful women and turning them into housewives? You and Fifth Harmony would get along just nicely then.

There's also some shit about him "alley ooping that dunk", which I'm sure I'm way too white to understand what the fuck that means, so let's just move on to Snoop Dogg's verse, which is somehow the most disgusting part about this song.

"I just wanna strip you, dip you, flip you, bubble bathe you"

Ok this line is just fucking hilarious, can't even lie about that one.

"Taste my rain drops, K boo"

Rain drop, drop top, Snoop Dogg shoved his dick in a hot box.

"Completely separated,/Till I deeply penetrate it"

TMI.

"Then I take it out and wipe it off"

T M I

"Overstated, underrated, everywhere I've been
Can you wiggle, wiggle for the D, O, double G, again?"

You are certainly not underrated Snoop Dogg. There's only so many years you can ride off the fantastic Doggy Style before people start noticing your bullshit.

I just have nothing to say to this, it's fucking embarrassing. Everyone already knows why this track is absolute shit. But, somehow not enough to be the king of shit. Before we get to that, here's a couple songs that are garbage, but not THAT garbage.

D.M 1: Latch - Disclosure ft Sam Smith (US: 28 / CA: 38)

I hate it, but it at least tried to be something different. So despite being a grating, annoying, oddly disturbing trainwreck of a song, I'm sparing you this time.

D.M 2: Amnesia - 5 Seconds of Summer (US: 86 / CA: N/A)

Absolutely fucking disgusting. Production is tolerable though.

D.M 3: Fancy - Iggy Azalea ft Charli XCX (US: 4/ CA: 11)

Awful beat, wack as shit bars, annoying chorus. Honorary No. 11.

D.M 4: Cool Kids - Echosmith (US: 59 / CA: N/A)

Told you it was shit.

D.M 5: #SELFIE - The Chainsmokers (US: N/A / CA: 86)

A joke of a song. But, it's somehow STILL better than Closer.

D.M 6: Crazy For You - Hedley (US: N/A / CA: 22)

Misery by Maroon 5 if it was dogshit.

D.M 7: Stolen Dance - Milky Chance (US: N/A / CA: 36)

I have no idea how this didn't make the list, because oh lord do I fucking hate it. Guess 2014 was a worse year than I thought.


Time for No. 1, and damn, is it a special one...


Oh I have been waiting MONTHS to tear into this fucking song. Great pop songs make me happy, but it's also the same extreme on the other side: Terrible pop songs make my blood boil. And oh boy, does this one make me fucking angry.

No. 1: Satisfaction Guaranteed - Alyssa Reid (US: N/A / CA: 100)

This song made absolutely no traction in America, and only barely scraped it's way onto the Canadian YE list from huge radio airplay that radio stations are forced to do, and a shamless, unsexy, absolute cringe worthy video. And trust me, on the surface, this might seem mildly entertaining. Just your standard generic pop song right? Oh, you couldn't be more wrong. This song is an absolute fucking disaster, and you better get ready for me to showcase it to you.

First off, whoever produced this needs to be publicly hung. You have percussion that rapidly speeds up and slows down for no reason, making the most annoying sound possible. You have this clooking sound that sounds like a robotic chicken malfunctioning, a sleazy ear raping synth that sound like something Kesha would've said was "too much" for Animal (which, if you'd hear Animal, would know is a REALLY BAD thing). The claps on the chorus that register way too much, with an annoying half second alarm sound played directly after it, I have no idea how anyone can enjoy this. Nothing works, and nothing is enjoyable. Fuck, even as a wall of sound, just listening to it on absolute face value, it STILL sounds like absolute shit. This loud as fucking synth blocks all the annoying little things sure, but your ears still have to deal with this loud as fuck synth. This is bordering the line of it's own horrific genre of trap-pop, a mixture of pop music and trap music (which sounds fucking horrendous please don't make this a thing I beg of you.)

But enough about how this song sounds like the music equivalent of having a clogged nosebleed where you end up having to pull out slabs of mushed blood and snot clumps from your wrecked nose, let's talk about Alyssa Reid, Alyssa fucking Reid. Certainly an interesting act, to say the least. She got signed to Wax Records, possibly the worst recording company on the planet, with her dumb as shit Justin Bieber cover. In 2011 she had a worldwide smash hit with "Alone Again". Y'know, that one song that every Canadian or Brit hates with a passion, possibly one of the worst hits ever made? Well, she coasted for another 3 years just basically recreating that song over and over again, up to even copy pasting the pre chorus onto her next single. In short; she's a talentless hack. She write, can't perform, and SURE as fuck can't sing. The Canadian Katy Perry, I'd like to say. But at least Katy Perry could give off some charisma, or even some emotion sometimes. Alyssa gives none of that, ESPECIALLY here. She sounds fucking dead, couldn't give less of a shit. Her grating voice sound horrible over the fucked production, and every note she attempts to hit is an experiment gone horribly wrong. But these 2 main things for this song is not what makes me hate it nearly as much as I do. It all has to do with it's little things. It's horrible, HORRIBLE little things.

Remember in my review of "Paris" by The Chokeholders where I bitched about the rhyme scheme? Well, fuck that. I don't even care about that anymore. But this, THIS is some truly horrible rhymes. Now it's not like she's dropping rhymes or anything, she seems to be pretty content on keeping a pattern. But that's sort of my problem.

"There's a hole in my heart/And it tears me apart"

Horrible.

"I know what you like /Baby, I know what you need/And if you come here tonight /Satisfaction guaranteed"

Abysmal. AND THAT'S THE FUCKING HOOK.

"So I drove past your place/Just to see your face/Why'd I let you down/You're the best thing around"

The "place/face" one actually kills me. Not just because it's basic as shit, but it's because how she sings the song. She takes a noticeable pause in between each short line and then OVER ENUNCIATES the rhyme, making it sound all the more awkward. Face palm worthy.

Alyssa isn't making herself look good lyrically either, she cheated on this dude, and when he left her for obvious reasons, she starts begging this dude to take her back. Her reasons why it's anything but a terrible idea that would only cause more pain? Well, according to her, Alyssa can make this dude happy: Satisfaction Guaranteed! Really? Is this some warped, disturbing cover of Carry Out bu Justin Timberlake? Alyssa, you dumb cunt, do you really think what's gonna get this guys heart back is shitty fast food puns? You're an absolute fucking idiot.

But nothing is as bad as this fucking bridge.

"I'm only human, you make mistakes too/Ain't nobody else do you like I do you like I do"

You. Fucking. Bitch. You can't just spend the whole song saying you understand that you fucked up, and then try and ignore ALL of that and pin the blame on HIM instead by saying "Oh c'mon, I'm only human! Everyone makes mistakes, don't they! If you were walking in MY shoes, you'd probably do the same thing."

Listen snake, you cheated. There's no way around it. YOU are in the wrong. Please shut the fuck up.

It also sounds fucking AWFUL. It ends with a pitch shift of the final word (do), sped up to mach speed, where it proceeds to drag the rest of the percussion with it until they both crash into a massive audio torture of a soundwave that inspires me to sue for mental damage.

I hate this song with a fucking passion, and I'm probably alone in that stance honestly. Is this as jaw droppingly stupid as This Is How We Do or Wiggle? No. Is it as empty as We Are Stars or Maps? Not quite. But, it IS however, in my eyes and ears. the Worst Hit Song of 2014. Fuck this song, and...actually don't fuck this year, It gave Tinashe a hit, so it's good enough in my books.