I was very positive towards this year. I wanted to love it after the mediocrity and blandness of 2016. I'm still hopeful, since it's only been 4 months, but the current state of the charts right now is NOT good. The good stuff recently fell off, the bad stuff is somehow lingering, and future hits are NOT looking promising (as opposed to Future hits, which aren't looking too bad actually). I'm not looking forward to this ranking, but fuck it let's do it anyways.
THE SHIT TIER (0/5)
20. Body Like A Backroad - Sam Hunt
...you have GOT to be joking. We let Sam Hunt, the most revolting of pop-country artists this side of Thomas Rhett get a top 20 hit? Not only that, but one that has staying power? And it's THIS stupid? C'mon, we're better than this. The horrible vocal inflections and sleazy tone, the production that's nowhere close to country, pop, or anything remotely good, and the lyrics. THE LYRICS. "Body Like a Backroad" is a phrase that only gets more disgusting the more you think about it, which is why I'm gonna quickly move on to save you the pain. In short: it's fucking dogshit, who would've guessed.
19. Closer - The Chainsmokers (Last Ranking: 19)
GO.
THE FUCK.
A W A Y.
18. Tunnel Vision - Kodak Black
I can't fucking stand Kodak Black. Besides being an absolute waste of human oxygen, he's also a pretty subpar rapper. Garbage bars, flow is...fine I guess, but his voice is what's the problem. I can dig Young Thug. I can dig Future. I can dig Lil Yatchy. Most new mumble auto tuned rappers I can at least tolerate. But this dudes voice fucking infuriates me. And unfortunately, all this stuff mentioned before still applies to his first hit, Tunnel Vision. Now I know lyrics don't really matter for trap rap, I can get behind that (But just an FYI, these lyrics are fucking disgusting.) So just judging on everything else, how is it?
Fucking dogshit. About 70% of the song is chorus (god, I'm getting fucking Rocketeer flashbacks), and it's awful. The melody is brain dead, the flute loops so awkwardly you can notice where the fucking clip is, and Kodak is at his most annoying. His voice? Grating and near incomprehensible. His charisma? Non existent. His flow? Lazy and choppy. The vibe of the song? The creepy middle ground of too dark to be enjoyable but not dark enough to be oddly satisfying.
This song offers nothing. Fucking worthless. And of course, it's in the top 10. Doesn't look like it's leaving anytime soon either. Kill me.
17. Cold - Maroon 5 ft Future
Alright, this is it. I can't take it anymore. Everything before this was Maroon 5 making shitty pop music. Don't Wanna Know had them making uninspired tropical music. But this is the last fucking straw. Maroon 5 have gotten to the point where they need to make tuneless RnB to get a hit. It's ugly, it's gross, but worst of all is that it's fucking BORING. So fucking boring. Christ they brought fucking FUTURE along with them, who of course contributes nothing of substance. But really, how could he? Maroon 5 and Future mix about as well as tomatoes and human consumption, or Onision and quality content.
16. Bad and Boujee - Migos ft Lil Uzi Vert (Last Ranking: 15)
I think the only reason I didn't originally have this in the shit tier was because I didn't want to piss anyone off. Screw that.
Yeah, I don't get anything from this. At all.
15. Chained To The Rhythm - Katy Perry ft Skip Marley
The more I listen to this, the more I can't stand it. First off, these "stay woke" lyrics are fucking stupid. They aren't insightful, not even funny either, They're just boring and useless, which is a very good description of whatever the fuck Skip Marley's section is.
But I don't come to Katy for Aesop Rock spiritual lyrical shit. I come to her for catchy pop fluff. And let me tell you, this is one of her worst. This is fucking frozen, an absolute plastic groove. Shitty claps, some lazy synths and low pitched keys equal to a VERY uninteresting sound. I could've made something more interesting with Garage Band, a litre of Dr. Pepper, 50 minutes, and my hands tied behind my back. Absolutely fucking worthless.
14. Shape Of You - Ed Sherran (Last Ranking: 14)
Yeah, this soured on me. I already didn't like it before, but on repeated listens the production only got worse, Ed Sherran's vocals got much more annoying, and the fact that this has stayed at No. 1 since I first talked about it doesn't fucking help.
THE BAD TIER (1/5)
13. I Don't Wanna Live Forever - ZaYn ft Tay-Tay (Last Ranking: 16)
Still sucks. Not the worst on it's soundtrack though. You can thank Halsey for that.
12. Mercy - Shawn Mendes
Miserable listen. I mean sure, the piano has some momentum, the drums have some punch, it's not a total trainwreck. But other than that? I don't like this. The instrumentation may have solid elements sure, but I don't feel they really string together very well. I also feel the mixing is a tad bit fucked, but that's nit picking. What sets me off the most here is these lyrics and this performance. Everything is so whiny, pissy, and ugly. It's also damn near insulting to hear Mendes beg for Mercy after making Treat You Better. Like wow dude, SOMEONE's shit at lining up their singles, aren't they? Anyways, awful song. Reminds me a lot of Please Don't Go by Joel Adams, and I fucking HATE Please Don't Go. Consider yourself lucky you aren't in the shit tier.
11. Something Just Like This - The Chainsmokers ft Coldplay
I didn't want to hate this. It's got some likable qualities to it! It's pretty sounding, it's upbeat and fun! But yeah, can't get into this. It has all the classic Chainsmokers problems.
a) Annoying as shit drop (Basically a worse version of Roses, a song I actually liked)
b) Fucking HORRIFIC vocals. I like Coldplay as much as the next guy (well, that's actually not true at all) but damn does Chris sound terrible hear. His low notes sound odd and don't quite fit, and his higher notes are shaky and overall unpleasant.
c) These lyrics are just...fucking stupid.
"Achilles and his gold/Hercules and his gifts/Spiderman's control/And Batman with his fists"
Yeah, fucking hate ALL of that. It makes my eyes roll just looking at it.
Someday I'll like a post-Roses Chainsmokers song. But today is certainly not that day.
THE MEH TIER (2/5)
10. Paris - The Chainsmokers (and some uncredited vocals from some cunt idk)
Did a whole review of this one (check it out plz i need more viewz) and my thoughts have not changed. My irrational, disappointed, conflicted thoughts. And wouldn't you know it, this song falls in the exact middle of my ranking. Couldn't have planned it any better than that.
9. Bounce Back - Big Sean (Last Ranking: 9)
Weirdly enough, I actually changed my thoughts on this song quite a bit. On one hand, I started to care less and less about the wack bars. But on the other hand, the beat got stale, and so did Sean's many flows that I'm pretty confident he's biting from like, 4 other people. Still, it's ok. Hopefully Light ft Jeremih is his next single, now THAT'S a Big Sean song I can get behind.
THE DECENT TIER (3/5)
8. No Frauds - Nicki Minaj ft Drake & Lil Wayne
Besides the fact that Nicki basically tried to make her diss to Remy Ma a posse track smash hit at the same time is a *bit* scummy, this is actually pretty decent. The beat is pretty basic sure, but it's nice, nothing too heavy or bass infested, which I can appreciate. Each artist here has 1 verse, and they all have both positive and negative qualities to it. Nicki's shots at Remy are solid, but outside of them reveals some weak humble bragging and pretty horrible rhymes. Drake's content is interesting, him basically being this wingman, but he also doesn't have the charisma the other 2 performers have, he sounds pretty bored. Lil Wayne sounds better than he has in quite a while, but his content isn't very interesting and his verse kinda just...cuts off, fades into nothing. No final bar to relish on or anything. Still though, I like this quite a bit, much better than the other 2 singles Nicki dropped. Probably because of the sticky hook, which bumps this up to the decent tier. I like it Nicki, but I know you can do better.
7. iSpy - KYLE ft Lil Yachty
It's the little things that sets this one back. But I still like this. Sure the premise of trying to pick up girls, who are supposedly insecure, on Instagram that don't get many likes on their post is J.Cole levels of fuckboi, but it's framing and tone makes everything a lot less creepy than it probably should be. It's bouncy, very VERY cute, and a fantastic listen if you can turn your brain off. But unfortunately, I can't, because I'm a stubborn, miserable asshole. KYLE, you're safe (although that Cirque Du Soleil line is pushing it). But Lil Yachty? Fucking hell man. What is this?
"All my bitches come in pairs like balls in my nutsack"
I have never rolled my eyes so fucking hard in my life.
"Boat and Kyle stick together like piano keys"
Like, barely a punchline. 4/10
"And on my mother's mother I won't fuck a bitch without a damn rubber"
Oh, well that's good. You totally seem like the guy that gives a shit about that.
Yeah, I guess I'm just an old man who doesn't understand 2017 trap, or rap in general. Sorry.
THE GOOD TIER (4/5)
6. Rockabye - Clean Bandit ft Sean Paul & Anne-Marie
Man, who knew a song about the struggles of single moms could sound this fun!
Yes, this songs content is kind of crazy, very weird it became the worldwide smash that it did. But it's lyrical content didn't stop me. After all, Rather Be is complete fucking nonsense, and everyone still loves THAT. This is no different. The beautiful atmosphere and textured beat are still there in full force, albeit it less melodic. The only problem is the performers. Jess Glynne is swapped out for Anne-Marie, who I guess isn't terrible, but she's certainly not good either. Reminds me WAY too much of Halsey to be enjoyable.
Then there's Sean Paul. I've always loved this dude, he's a burst of style and energy that's irresistible, despite not being able to understand a single word he's saying (Funnily enough, he should fit in the current rap scene just fine!). His verses here are great and all, he rides the beat well and he stays on topic (I think?), but he just doesn't...fit. Yes he matches the production, yes he matches the lyrics, but he doesn't quite match them both at the same time, just seems like a bit of an afterthought solely put in there to make up for Anne-Marie's lack of everything. Whatever, I still really like this. Solid track. Hopefully it'll be an even bigger hit like it is in EVERY OTHER COUNTRY.
5. Mask Off - Future
I have never really cared for Future that much. I've listened to 5 or so projects of his and I've liked maybe 2/3rds of 1 of them. But I give credit where credit is due, this is pretty fantastic. Now lyrically I have no fucking idea what he's talking about, and I couldn't care less. And content doesn't apparently matter in trap music, so I don't need to worry about it either! What does matter is this instrumental, which is some of Metro Boomins best. The stuttering claps and hi hats, the lowkey drums that holds the other elements together, but most importantly, that fucking flute. Dear lord, I absolutely love it. The difference between the one here and the one in Tunnel Vision is pretty obvious, the complexity. It's melody is a lot more interesting, it switches up a couple of times, and overall just sounds so much better. So yeah Future, you fucking got me with this one, make more stuff like this.
THE GREAT TIER (5/5)
4. I Feel It Coming - The Weeknd ft Dft Pnk
Apparently, I didn't totally love this when it first came out? I have no idea what was wrong with me, this is fucking awesome. It's a step up of Starboy on a sound level for sure. Daft Punk gives a very nice 80s vibe here, very silky, it's something you bob your head AND snap your fingers to.
I also really like this lyrically, which surprised me quite a bit. Talking about desiring more out of a relationship and some good ol fun fucking is a lot more intriguing and compelling to me than semi-passive aggressively telling me I'm a brainwashed dumbass for only liking BBTM Weeknd and not stuff from his weird ass fucking mixtapes. This song just got a massive boost that jumped it into the top 10, so who knows, maybe this can be a chart topping smash. And I wouldn't mind that one bit.
3. That's What I Like - Bruno Mars
Now I praised 24K Magic last time, but I think I might like this even more! The groove is undeniable here, while the groove in 24K Magic feels a lot more manufactured. Still great, but not organic. That's What I Like however, is brilliant. It flows so fucking well. But Bruno's performance is what sells it. Sure he always has incredible vocals and charisma to him, but I've never heard him ride a beat this well! He can make almost any song sound awesome if he puts his mind to it, this not an exception. Christ, the entire thing is him practically begging this girl to let him fuck her, and he somehow doesn't come off as a total creep, or even douchey! Take notes Shawn Mendes, because this is something you can only DREAM of. It's swagger is immense, and it demands repeated listens. Excellent track. Oh, and the video is fucking brilliant by the way, check it out.
2. Love On The Brain - Rihanna (Last Ranking: 1)
Yeah, still love it. Glad this has gotten even more popular as well. My favourite track on ANTI, and one of my favourite hits of the year so far.
1. It Aint Me - Kygo & Selena Gomez
Holy shit, I was not expecting this. Kygo has generally disinterested me, and I've never been a fan of Selena Gomez's creepy excuses for pop music and general lack of talent. But this is fucking something. These 2 artists compliment each other so well it's unreal. Selena's vocals are basically unworkable. You can't do anything to make it sound good. Pitch shifting, auto tune, filters, nothing. Her tones are fucked. So, Kygo did the most he could and created the softest, most lush beat possible. And it fucking worked. Selena doesn't just sound good on this, she sounds fucking gorgeous. Her tones are on point, her stuttered break down on the chorus is somehow pleasing, and the prechorus is fucking phenomenal, genuinely gives me the chills. It's also nice to know that in 2017, you don't need to be off the rails to be great. You don't need to be crazy like Caroline, psychotic like Love On The Brain, or need to be absolutely oozing with charisma like That's What I Like to a point where you can't fail if you wanted to. All you need to do to get in my good books is make some great pop music, and these 2 fucking did it. I adore this, one of my favourite tracks of 2017 period, and easily my favourite hit.
So, after all of that, this ranking scored a 41/100. I honestly can't believe it. This top 20 was pretty bad, and I wouldn't be surprised if it soon gets even worse. I'm not looking forward to 2017, but hey, maybe it can surprise me.
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