Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2016

So...this is a little late aint it?

Alright, so originally I wasn't going to do this list. Because a) The list was dogshit (I didn't feel like talking about Justin Bieber 3 times on 1 list, let alone 3 times in a fucking row), and b) I thought I wasn't good enough at explaining my opinions positively. Then when I realized my next blog post not even 2 weeks later was a best list for fucking Hannah Montana, I facepalmed for 5 months straight and accepted that I'm ready for everything and just need to stop being a bitch about it.



First order of buisness tho: the Worst list. That's changed a fuckton, so here's what it is now.

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2016
1. Me Too - Meghan Trainor
2. Closer - The Chainsmokers ft Halsey
3. H.O.L.Y - Florida Georgia Line
4. Just Like Fire - P!nk
5. Treat You Better - Shawn Mendes
6. Starving - Hailee Steinfeld & Zedd ft Grey
7. Hide Away - Daya
8. NO - Meghan Trainor
9. Really Really - Kevin Gates
10. Cake By The Ocean - DNCE

DMs
Let It Go - James Bay
i hate u i love u - gnash ft oliva o'brein
Lost Boy - Ruth B.
Sit Still, Look Pretty - Daya
Back To Sleep - Chris Brown
On My Mind - Ellie Goulding
Unsteady - X Ambassadors

and about 30 others

And for those of you who saw the best list I tweeted out back in December, it shares very few similarities to this one. So sit back and scream in horror to my Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2016!


Well, at least I can start this list on a very agreeable note: D.R.A.M is adorable.

No. 10: Broccoli - D.R.A.M ft Lil Yachty (YE: 34)

This is so goddamn adorable. Everything about this just puts a big, stupid smile on my face. The bright upbeat piano, the chill bouncy melody, and of course our two performers here that just do a magnificent job. Everyone already knows how great D.R.A.M is, his adorable lines talking about wanting SEGA games, bagels on a square plant, while crooning in a way that just makes you wanna hug the guy. Then you got Lil Yachty, the most controversial one.

Now look, I don't like Lil Yachty at all. I mean, I love the shit out of Minnesota, but everything else I've heard him in was complete trash. And this verse has gotten a LOT of shit, obviously for that Columbine line, which yeah is really terrible, but I adore the rest of the verse. His delivery is cute as shit, and this...

"Put that dick up in her pussy, bet she feel it in her toes"

That's just hilarious, c'mon.

Plus, Lil Yachty has the best line in the entire song.

"Hey lil' mama, would you like to be my sunshine?"

It make my heart swoon, it's delivered all dorky and cutesy, and it references a pretty great Lil Flip song that is just as cute as this song is (albeit WAY stupider). This line is placed right infront of the Columbine line, so it softens the blow a lot for me.

"Fifty shades of grey, beat that pussy like Hulk Hogan"

Yeah...

Wish there was something to soften THAT though.


Now HERE'S a fucking grower!

No. 9. Hymn For The Weekend - Coldplay ft Beyonce (YE: 73)

I never liked Coldplay, and I didn't like their album this is from either. Never thought their music was terrible, it just SO wasn't for me. I'm not into big, epic, overwhelming songs they try to make. Aside from Viva La Vida, everything they made just feels 2 minutes too long, and Hymn For The Weekend isn't much different. But I don't know, I love this one. Maybe it's because despite the slower tempo, the production has a lot more colour? Which let me tell you, this sounds fantastic. The electric guitar on the hook is brilliant, the piano line kills, and the claps hold every huge musical piece this song has together. But despite that, it's one of the few Coldplay songs that doesn't sound so controlled, which I like. It lets itself flow freely and get a little wild (emphasis on "little"). Shit like Clocks and Yellow just sound so manufactured to me, like a machine randomly generated what's considered to be a "great song", and I can't stand that.

Another thing that services this song well is letting Beyonce get on the track. She's a background singer sure, but it's fucking Beyonce. Her voice demands your attention, and she's basically a main performer next to Chris Martin, who does a better job than usual might I add. Never dug the dudes voice, but yet again, they seem to work here. He sings this fucked melody with his fucked voice and somehow it all works. It's fucked, I know.

The songs content is pretty cool too. It's about a loved one, the most standard topic in the world, but it has that weird ass Coldplay writing style that makes everything just seem bigger and better than it actually is.

"Oh, angel sent from up above/You know you make my world light up/When I was down, when I was hurt/You came to lift me up"

Translation: I love this girl

Yeah, this is probably my favourite Coldplay song. It takes all their flaws they usually have, and twists them into something magnificent rather than just throwing their flaws out a window, which is pretty impressive to me. Great song, no idea how it was a hit honestly.


I've heard quite a few terrible albums this year so far, and these artists made one of them. This was the only good song on it. But honestly, I'm fine with that, because this song is legendary.

No. 8. All The Way Up - Fat Joe & Remy Ma ft French Montana & InfaRed (YE: 87)

One of the weirdest songs to become a hit this year, mostly because of the process of how it became one. Remy Ma has been in fucking jail for the past decade, and Fat Joe hasn't had a hit since, fuck, 2007 nearly! So when they tagged teamed together, the public gave it just enough juice to hit the Hot 100. Then, when other artists saw how fire this beat is, they all made their own remixes with their own verses, most notably Jay-Z. So by the time it hit the top 30, it's Billboard entry was looking like this:

But imagine like, 10 more names on it. Yeah, wild stuff.

Now all of that doesn't really matter at this moment. 2016 has been long over, and so has this songs chart run. What I SHOULD be talking about is how much I fucking love this. Let's talk about this dope as fuck beat that everyone decided to rap over. Some freaky drum machines, a drugged out, looping bass that dives deep at all the right times, and most importantly and notably, the looped sax. Ohhhhh my god is it beautiful. It's like the sound of your celeb crush's orgasm looped.

...Wait what the fuck

French Montana was given the hook for some fucking reason. I'm guessing he snuck into the studio while Joe and Remy went to get coffee or something. And somehow his lucky ass nails it. Just enough grit and smoothness to work, something you NEVER see from French fucking Montana. But French doesn't matter on this song, and outside of a couple bars, neither does Joe. What we all care about is Remy Ma, who kills it.

"Just left the big house to a bigger house/Ain't have a girlfriend, but the bitch is out"

Probably the most badass way to come out as lesbian ever used in a hit song.

"I'm talkin' color money, purple yen and blue dirham/I got brown lira, I ain't talkin' 'bout Ross bitch"

That's just dope as fuck.

"I'm that nigga on Viagra dick/That means I'm all the way up"

*Seinfled bass starts playing*

Overall, much better than anything I expected from fucking Fat Joe and Remy Ma. It's the 2nd best posse track hit of 2016 (ooohhh forshadowing!), and I dig the fuck out of it.


I'm so sorry

...actually I'm not fuck you

No. 7. Work From Home - Fifth Harmony ft Ty Dolla $ign (YE: 16)

I tried guys. I tried so hard not to put this on the list, but I just had to. I don't care if you think it's gross, if it's sexist(?), or it's just stupid. This is one of my favourite pop songs of the year. So, I guess I better get to explaining why.

This beat is WAY better than people give credit for. Like yeah, it rips the synth from that shitty Daniel Bedingfield song, but it doesn't *directly* rip it. What I mean is that they changed and improved it to fit the song better. Yes, they didn't credit him sure, but be honest: does that song deserve ANY attention at all? I didn't fucking think so.

All the problems people have with this song I just don't get at all. For example, Camila texting her boyfriend nudes at work?

"Put in them hours, I'ma make it harder/I'm sending pic after picture, I'ma get you fired"

"Ohh, but that's morally irresponsible and psychotic!" It's a kinky as shit pop song, get over it.

"The repetition of the word "work" is copying Rihanna!" ....so?

"This song about sex is only written by dudes and not 5H themselves!" Jeez, if that troubles you, never read the writing credits of your favourite female pop stars. It will both make you incredibly sad for said artists and even angrier towards Dr. Luke than you already are.

"Let's put it into motion, I'ma give you a promotion/I'll make it feel like a vacay, turn the bed into an ocean"

"This line is gross and rhymes awkwardly!" Well...

ok I'll give you that one.

Fuck, I don't even mind Camila Cabello's screaming ass. On the outro she sounds like she has a 2x4 rammed into her vagina, but so what? Her shrieking high notes actually fit the beat weirdly well. It's the musical equivalent of that weird sensation you get when you drink some cold milk directly after brushing your teeth. Most sane people hate it, but I kinda fucking love it. If anything, the few problems I have with this song are all minor and technical. The bed squeaking sound on the 2nd verse is kinda weird, a couple of the rhymes sound a bit too forced, and the music video has them all twerking with only Normani succeeding and it's just lowkey embarrassing.

And I'm not even gonna mention Ty Dolla $ign's verse. You already know he fucking kills it like he always does while simultaneously saying absolute nothing of substance. A perfect rap bridge for a pop song!

I love nearly every second of this. I get why people hate it, I really do. But as a pop song, it just works.


Another huge grower incoming.

No. 6: Cold Water - Major Lazer ft Justin Bieber & MO (YE: 25)

I've always loved this song, but only revisiting it after overplay did I realize how MUCH I loved this song. Everything just sounds so care free and relaxing, which perfectly supports Bieber's inability to be interesting. It's incredible, Bieber had 3 different hits in 2016 where he just sounds uninteresting as fuck, yet has somehow found 3 separate mulligans for each of them. Love Yourself is supposed to be played lowkey for the "diss" to properly work, "Sorry" needed Bieber to be emotionless to sound the most insincere and sarcastic he possibly could, and here Bieber needed to be a non pressence but still on key in order to not fuck up the atmosphere. The playful guitar, the slow drums, and the glossed out synths make such an incredible sound. I've never wanted to vibe out to a dance track, but here we are. It all sets up the horn drop beautifully.

Then there's the lyrics, which I have no idea how to comprehend. I mean I dig the water metaphors, and it being water gives the song a good excuse to go all tropical house-y on my bitch ass. THAT part is awesome, incredibly creative (and was probably an accident, but I'm gonna act like it wasn't). The individual lyrics themselves are...well ok I like this one!

"And if you feel you're sinking, I will jump right over/Into cold, cold water for you"

This is good, the old "I will always be there for you" sentiment, can't go wrong there. But this, on the other hand...

"So take a deep breath and let it go/You shouldn't be drowning on your own"

Like, this is all SORTS of questionable. I get that he's trying to say "If you're suffering, don't worry about it, I'll be there to get you through it", but the sweetness of the line was thrown WAY down the fuckin riverbank with the metaphor. "Shouldn't be drowning on your own" is just so weirdly phrased. Implying that drowning alone is a problem yes, but as long as you have someone to drown WITH you, it's all ok! Which is just...blatantly incorrect. And yeah, there's a couple of *really* minor slip ups (all of them way more minuscule than this) that set the song out of the top 5. But overall, I loved this song, it was fantastic when I first heard it back in autumn, and it's still just as good, if not better now.


How the fuck did we let this happen.

No. 5. Sucker For Pain - So many fucking people (YE: 68)

We let a rap posse track from a bunch of mediocre rappers and horrible rock groups made for the fucking Suicide Squad movie, one of the worst movies of the decade, hit the top 20. And it wasn't just the movie hype either, way after the movie lost all it's buzz, this remained in the top 30 for months. In what fucking universe did this work out. And the best and weirdest part, how in the hell did it turn out this good? I mean objectively, it's a fucking disaster. The rap verses and rock chorus does not mix at all, the hook just fucking cuts itself off for no reason, the production is this weird looped haunting mess, and it has 6 artists but barely manages to crack 4 minutes. How the fuck is this supposed to work? Well, I'll tell you: Like a miracle. It fucks up everywhere, but all these fuck ups somehow work and end up making a completely different track than they were going for.

First, this fucking production. I love it sooooooo much, but my god is it the biggest misfire of the fucking century. The synths are trying to sound straight out of a horror movie, the bass is supposed to sound menacing and haunting, and the claps are supposed to be offset to add to this "chill down your spine" sort of vibe, yet they accidentally made one of the most soothing, coolest, smoothest, and melodic tracks of the year? Fucking WHAT. Like, how did they fuck up this bass? They just needed to make it sound either loud and abusive or disturbing as shit, yet they did fucking neither. Instead, they made this weird as fuck pattern of the bass counting 4 notes up and then 4 notes down, which is not scary at all, but is somehow the most satisfying melody of the year. Whoever produced this must've lost his fucking mind.

Then the verses between the 4 rappers are just fucking ridiculous. Ty Dolla $ign is talking about loyalty between friends and family, Logic talks about...

"I know I been bussin', no discussion for my family/No hesitation, through my scope I see my enemy/Like what's up? Hold up, we finna re-load up/Yes I re-load up, I know what up, I know what up"

...killing people?

Lil Wayne actually talks about the fucking title, and Wiz Khalifa talks about the hardships of getting to the top. None of these topics are similar at all, but yet the beginning and end of everyone's verses leads into the others cleanly. Lil Wayne ends his verse talking about inflicting himself pain, and Wiz starts his verse by talking about the *pain* of his come up. They all intertwine some how, and it's fucking unbelievable. Not only that, but all 4 of them drops fire ass verses (well ok Wiz drops the ball quite a bit but y'know what can you do). Ty Dolla $ign kills it as always, Logic manages to get his head out of his ass for once in his life, and Wayne drops the best verse he's done in years!

"And if I get stung I get stoked, might choke/Like I chewed a chunk of charcoal, naked in the North Pole/That's why my heart cold, full of sorrow, the lost soul/And only Lord knows when I'm coming to the crossroads"

These are the best bars he's dropped since 6 Foot 7 Foot, and that's fucking saying something! Wayne kills it here, and so does almost all the performers. Is the track creepy and scary? Not at all, it completely fucking failed. But do I love the track for it's qualities? Absolutely.


I assure you, my placement of this song had NOTHING to do with it's music video

...ok maybe a little.

No. 4: Side to Side - Ariana Grande ft Nicki Minaj (YE: 77)

Jokes aside, this is just awesome. I kinda exhausted a lot of my love for this song in my Billboard Winter Ranking, but fuck it I'll give it another shot: I get how a lot of people think this is Ariana's weakest single this year. This is nothing like Dangerous Woman and Into You, which were both straightforward pop songs. This, despite converting to the reggae trend that exploded when it was released, is more a risk taker of a track than you think. It's a song with basic production and melody that tried to coast the entire song off of raw ego alone. Did they succeed? I'm honestly not quite sure, but goddamn do I love it. The reggae bounce of the groove is intriguing, Ariana's vocals are great as always, and Nicki Minaj's verse is killer. But the most important part is the content, the whole point of the song. Ariana Grande made an entire song about getting fucked so hard by some buff dude that she can't walk properly, and she has to waddle side to side. And they played this on the radio, which is just hilarious. And it's not like she's trying to be coy or anything like Cake By The Ocean was, she isn't trying to sneak one past ya or something. Fuck, it's blatant in the chorus!

"I've been here all night/I've been here all day/And boy, got me walkin' side to side"

She literally says "I've been with this dude 24/7, now I can't walk right". If you can't put that together (along with Nicki saying fucking "dick bicycle") then you gotta be pretty dense.

I have nothing to say about this one really. If you love it, you already get why it's so great. If you hate it, you stopped reading a couple of paragraphs ago anyways.


Pop songs are what I live for, and most of them don't get any better than this.

No. 3: All In My Head (Flex) - Fifth Harmony ft Fetty Wap (YE: 93)

Absolutely fucking gorgeous. This came WAY too late in the year honestly, why couldn't this have been the song of the summer? It has the perfect feel to it, not to mention the song is fucking amazing. I mean listen to this and tell me this instrumentation is fucking phenomenal. Benny Blanco and Stargate teamed up and created a mindblower of a composition. The catchy as shit guitar line, the fresh bouncy bass, the milky percussion and especially those rising synths on the pre chorus, only to explode in both twinkle sounds and some air washing sound. There are so many elements that form together to create a perfect summer jam. It might as well be the antithesis of "One Dance", which was missing SO many elements it sounded like a fucking demo. This on the other hand is so full of life, so vibrant and just oozing with personality.

First verse, you got Ally, the soft singing bitch. Her voice is silky and starts off the song well.

Then the pre chorus has Lauren, the sexy bitch. Her voice is sensual and hooks your attention deeply.

Thirdly is Dinah, the assertive singing bitch. Her voice is a tad rough, but it's powerful, it's great.

On the bottom half of the hook is Normani, the bitch who can actually sing. Her voice is powerful and perks your ear the second she hits a note.

Then last and least, you have Camila...

She's a fucking disgrace.

Fetty Wap is on the song, and he does his thing. You know, that thing he does? The thing he *always* does? Yeah, that. It's so fucking similar to his other songs that the song legit samples Again because Fetty just reuses bars he's already used. An absolute genius, I tell you.

Lyrically, the song is about...fucking? I don't know, it twists some old sample and entails this guy to come climb into Fifth Harmony's bed, and it's a Fifth Harmony song so I just assume it's about sex. Although I should point out part of the hook here

"Flex, time to impress/Come and climb in my bed/Don't be shy, do your best"

I can't help but think this is oddly fucking patronizing for a song about enticing this guy to fuck you. Like "Don't worry, just *try* to impress me, you don't need to be scared, just do your best!" I'd love to say it's 5H being all "The women in charge" and submissive and "girl power" and all that, but they kind of just sound like a load of cunts, which is something I 100% support! Speaking of a load of cunts, this song is better than all of Glory Days, as well as all of Little Mix's entire discography. Sorry not sorry bitches.


Ooooohhh, my old No. 1. How the times have changed, haven't they?

No. 2: Close - Nick Jonas ft Tove Lo (YE: 66)

Now this song is fucking stunning. A duet this year that was actually done RIGHT, what a goddamn blessing. With a year full of We Don't Talk Anymore, i hate u i love u, Like I'm Gonna Lose You, and fucking Closer, it's nice to hear a duet that actually has some fucking substance to it. Lyrically this song is fucking wild. All the lyrics seem like your typical duet stuff at first, until you get to the titular line

"Cause space was just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get close"

This is fucking mental. Basically saying "If you need to ask for space, you're just a bitch who's afraid of commitment", and that's a heavy fucking load to put on a person. As a line on it's own, it's toxic as shit, and fucking disturbing. But it's not just Nick Jonas, Tove Lo says the exact same thing. Both of them say it in a sort of mocking tone too, which highlights the main theme of the song: they're basically toying with each other. 2 batshit insane people in a relationship messing with each other. It's a song that could only possibly work if it has 2 people with nearly perfect chemistry. Now Nick Jonas and Tove Lo would not have been my first choice (Although Tove Lo is DEFINITELY the crazy type of bitch you want for this type of song), but these 2 nail it. They play off each other so well, and they both sound fantastic too. Nick Jonas sounds more assertive, while Tove Lo sounds vulnerable, but a lot more mischievous. It's a near perfect match.

The production is also top notch. The incredibly water droplet synths match up with this slobbering bass to create this weirdly unsettling atmosphere that match the lyrics perfectly. And the little clock tic tocking noise in the background, as if to represent the ticking timebomb of a relationship just waiting to explode is absolute brilliant. The entire song just feels so masterful, I fucking adore it. But it isn't my No. 1 pick, because I'm a fucking idiot. To soften the blow, here's a few good songs that missed the list.

HM 1: I Took a Pill In Ibiza - Mike Posner (YE: 15)

The way this song encapsulates how fucking sad life can be is brilliant. But it misses the list because I can't get myself to listen to it. It's so fucking depressing in so many ways that's just too overwhelming for my tastes.

HM 2: Die a Happy Man - Thomas Rhett (YE: 64)

Shut the fuck up.

HM 3: Dangerous Woman - Ariana Grande (YE: 36)

Just a really strong pop song, with an awesome guitar solo notching itself an honorable mentions slot.

HM 4: Sorry - Justin Bieber (YE: 2)

Still hilarious and lowkey brilliant. Honorary No. 11.

HM 5: Love Yourself - Justin Bieber (YE: 1)

Still works wonders and lowkey brilliant. Honorary No. 12.

HM 6: In The Night - The Weeknd (YE: 61)

One of the best songs off Beauty Behind The Madness. However, I think I prefer Starboy Weeknd a bit more.

HM 7: Say It - Tory Lanez (YE: 74)

I don't know what to tell you man, that sample just fucking works.


This should not be my No. 1, but I'm so glad it is. A lot of you are going to be mad it is, and that is totally fine, but there is not a single song this year I enjoyed remotely as much as this one.

No. 1: Don't Mind - Kent Jones (YE: 48)

Yes, you read it right. THIS is my best song of 2016. And for terrible reasons. But that's fine, because they're reasons nonetheless. So, allow me to explain why this is easily the most fun a song has been this year, no fucking contest.

First, this beat. This just pushes all the right buttons for me. The disgusting gut wrenching bass is sticky as hell and really grows on you, the bright synths in the back of the mix grounds the track from getting to gross and contrast beautifully when they become louder in the chorus, and the percussion is random as fuck, yet comes in at all the right times. It's simplistic sure, but simplistic doesn't always mean bad. We Will Rock You is simple as fuck, yet everyone loves that song. Same with Don't Mind here, it's simplicity works well, it let's you focus on Kent Jones himself, who is a fucking handful let me tell you.

Like you 12 months ago, I had 0 fucking idea who Kent Jones is. To this day, I still have no clue how this guy is, other than "The guy who made that Don't Mind song". Apparently he's some DJ Khalled protegee, which is not really a good thing to label yourself with. And you can tell too, because this dude is not a good rapper. His flow is weird as hell, it's got some unnatural bounce to it that just shouldn't be there. He slurs his words together, and he sound like a total fucking goof. But that plays into this songs major strength, and what rocketed this song to No. 1: this song is absolutely fucking hilarious.

I suffered through half the year of people taking this song seriously, calling it "disgusting" and "racist", and that's completely fine. But you cannot tell me you got through this song without laughing, because this track is iconically hilarious. Fucking READ these lines and tell me it isn't funny.

"She gives me desktop til' I overload"

It's even more funny when you realize how many writers and producers let him get away with this too. Not one of them went "Hey, maybe this is a bad idea?"

"I give her the can in Kansas/I got it on tape, she on Candid Camera"

Fucking iconic.

"Okay see (OKC), I forgot we met in Oklahoma"

Get it? OKC, ok see? That just makes me smile, I'm sorry.

"Then I met a girl in Cali I never disowned her/She got that high grade, her weed come with diplomas"

This dude goin on about how this girls weed has such high grades it's fucking graduated come on you humorless fucks you gonna tell me that isn't amazing?

Then there's the instantly recognizable and highly controversial hook of Kent Jones greeting girls in various languages and I'm sorry this is just too much. I'm laughing just writing this fucking entry.

Look, there's a lot of things you can base a No. 1 off of. Whether it be personal experiences, lyrical depth, overall quality, or whatever. But I've always gone by whichever song gives me the most entertainment, regardless of it's "objective quality". This song is shockingly good. It makes my day just to hear this stupid fuckin idiot ramble on about nonsense punchlines. So fuck whatever you say, Don't Mind by Kent Jones is the Best Hit Song of 2016. Thanks for waiting so long, even though it TOTALLY wasn't worth the wait. Probably.