(NOTE: I DECIDED TO IGNORE ALL THE DRAKE SONGS OTHER THAN PASSIONFRUIT BECAUSE THEY AREN'T HITS & I AINT GONNA TALK ABOUT DRAKE FOR 1/4TH OF THE FUCKING RANKING. THESE SONGS HAVE BEEN REPLACED WITH THE NEXT SONGS BELOW THE TOP 20 (No. 21-23). SORRY IF THIS SOMEHOW DISAPPOINTS YOU OR SOMETHING IDK)
THE SHIT TIER (0/5)
20. Good Life - G-Eazy & Kehlani
This is every cliche in the book formed together. It sounds like both a Coke Commerical and a car commerical at the same time. It's a soundtrack song for a fucking Fast and Furious movie, and it has the classic combo of generic sounding pop starlett singing a vague, nonsense hook while a boring generic rapper spits more generic bars. This is everything we all hate in 1 song, so why am I the only person that seems like he can't fucking stand it? Just because the instrumental is upbeat doesn't make it any good. The piano is basic as shit, the hi hats don't fit at ALL, the synth is mixed terribly quiet, and the drums sound like they're trying their best not to matter. The only notable part of this song is near the end where the bass turns ugly as shit. It doesn't sound good at all, but it's SOMETHING. The chorus is abysmal. Kehlani sounds bored, and "we put the good in the good life" is the laziest hook I've ever heard. Not nearly as lazy as these verses though, fucking god.
"I put my heart into this game like I opened my chest"
L A M E
"We only pray for more M's while you hope for the best"
Cliche No. 487: One Hit Wonders will reference their previous (and only) hit on their future single(s) in a desperate hope to stay relevance.
"And I swear this champagne just tastes better on jets/I'm just out here bein' great, man, this as real as it gets"
Fuck me, I'm not dealin with this garbage. Pretty sure I don't need to write a 10 page essay on why G-Eazy is a total fuck stick. Next song, please?
19. do re mi - Blackbear
Jesus Christ, what even *is* this? Nothing here works, but everything is convinced that it does, and it's fucking infuriating. For example: this beat. I bet Blackbear thought this was the slickest fuckin shit of the year, when in reality it's just insanely mediocre. High pitched keys, some huge drums, and a ghostly little effect in the background just makes it sound like every single trap song released in the past 8 months, except the huge bass that would give you an actual reason to listen to said songs! Is it technically *bad*, per say? I guess not, it doesn't grate on my nerves or anything, but considering who Blackbear is, I expected a LOT more from this. People seem to be right in thinking that the only thing that made Mansionz so amazing was Mike Posner. He is what made the admittedly terrible and creepy writing on Mansionz into lovable satire and funny, entertaining material. But Blackbear is playing all this off seriously, and I just don't fucking buy it. He sounds like a total dickhead, an absolute scum of the fucking Earth, but I don't buy him as the scum of the Earth he's describing himself as. It's the worst situation possible: He's a piece of shit, but not the right one. His performance is douchey yes (he's got that down pat), but he sounds completely fucking pathetic. He should be sounding all smooth and chill, but he gives about as bad of a performance his buddy Mike Posner would have gaven 7 fucking years ago. But to be fair, with lines as bad as THIS, he didn't give himself much to work with.
"Do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin' done with you, girl"
Worst line of the year, hands down. That and "WHO CAN RELATE? WOOP!" will go down as the worst moments in music 2017. This song is just ugly, and not for the right reasons.
18. Party - Chris Brown ft Usher & Gucci Maine
One of the worst songs of Chris Brown's entire career. My god is this synth melody fucking mind melting. It's so jumpy and haunting, it reminds me of a demented carnival. But that's standard for Chris Brown songs, I expect that. What makes this song truly special is the 3 performers and how they all DESTROY their careers.
First you got Chris Brown, as charming as he can be. He's doing his standard thing y'know, can barely hold a note while bitching about bitches, your usual. But then the 2nd half of his verse has him doing this weird low toned delivery and WOW it sounds fucking terrible! Like, SO bad! I have no idea how anyone let him get away with it honestly! Oh, and also:
"Fuck the judge and the sentence, huh, I got a good lawyer"
Fuck you.
"It's my birthday with the cake, fuck it up, then let me eat it"
Oh you are NOT allowed to talk about cake EVER again. Brings back...bad memories.
2nd up to bat is Usher, and holy FUCKING SHIT HE SOUNDS AS BAD AS CHRIS BROWN. USHER IS NOW AT PAR WITH THE USHER WANNABE. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE.
"Pop rubber bands all on her ass, baby been eating her wheaties"
Oh, and that
That's a bit weird.
Last is Gucci Maine, who has the best performance, as in I can't remember a single bar he says. I think there's some Scarface reference in there or something? I can't remember, I usually phase out at this point. Fuck this song.
17. Passionfruit - Drake
I have nothing to say about this one, other than the fact that it's fucking lifeless. This song sounds like nothing, it says and means nothing, and will be forgotten in a few months.
16. idfc - Blackbear
Oh good, THIS guys back. Now with a song about Blackbear trying to hide his overwhelming feelings for a girl that doesn't really love him back. And I'm sorry, but I find this fucking hilarious. I know I shouldn't, I'm sure it's supposed to be serious and all, but I can't do anything but facepalm when I hear this shit. Boring production, boring performances, funny as hell narrative. Horrific combo.
THE BAD TIER (1/5)
15. Nobody Else But You - Trey Songz
Out of all the Chris Brown wannabes that came out in 2009 to fill the airwaves, I think Trey Songz has by far evolved the least out of all of them. Jason Derulo is making weird as fuck pop music (Calling it right now, keep him in the industry for 5 more years and he'll be doing PC Music for sure), Jeremih switched up his style by becoming a lot smoother, as well as actually being good, and Jay Sean is messing around a bit with EDM while he tries to save his dwindling career. Fuck, even Chris Brown is adapting to modern trends. His music is shit (As you've already seen), but he's TRYING to do something. Trey Songz hasn't changed a bit. This sounds exactly like something you'd hear back in 2009, and it aint too pretty either.
14. Shining - DJ Khaled ft Beyonce & Jay-Z
So DJ Khalled recently just dropped "I'm The One", his next single off his upcoming album, and I absolutely fucking love it. It's simplicity is it's strength, and it's a perfect summer jam. But at the same time, it showed me how kinda bad this track is. The hook is EXTREMELY weak for one, I've heard the song half a dozen times and I couldn't remotely tell you how it goes. And the rest goes up to ruined potential. 2 of the biggest names in music ever, a power couple of pop music, THE power couple of pop music, and we get *this*? Everything just seems kinda...weak. Insignificant. Normally I'd just call this mediocre, but the potential for how amazing this could have been shoots it straight into the bad tier.
13. Privacy - Chris Brown
This is the first decent beat I've heard Chris Brown on in a while honestly. This is a song I could dig. Except for 2 huge things blocking my way. There's the audible one, which is his performance. All the singing parts, the parts where Chris Brown is being Chris Brown, all sound fine. But there's multiple areas where he turns into Sean Paul and it just sounds TERRIBLE.
Then you have the lyrics, which are just fucking uncomfortable to listen to. I get that Chris Brown's persona is he's this sex god who can pummel any woman he wants into submission, but I can't fucking listen to shit this fucking crass.
"Why your pussy so damn good, miss lady?/Go and put that booty up, baby, one on one"
Ok see THAT one is just stupid, I can deal with that.
"Get that ass in the bed, I'ma lock the door/Shake that ass like boom shakalaka, boom shakalaka (boom, boom)"
My god man, have some fuckin dignity dude. You aren't 19 anymore.
"You don't need a shower, you already wet/Know that pussy power, telling me I ain't ready yet"
Abysmal.
"Whipped cream on your titties, then you suckin' on my dick with ice/Oh my God, oh my God, my bitch get me right/Ain't gotta pay for that pussy, my dick can change your life/I'm tired of missionary, wanna see you on your face/Put that ass up in the air, I'm lovin' how that pussy taste"
My fucking go- one of my favourite Kesha songs is all about her slamming her magical vagina into various dudes and objects and even I can't buy into this shit!
I could go on for hours on how these lyrics just make me squirm. Absolutely demolishes the decent production behind it.
THE MEH TIER (2/5)
12. Losin Control - Russ
I have nothing to say about this song othen than the fact that it is 100% mediocre.
THE DECENT TIER (3/5)
I respect this a hell of a lot more than I like it. The production is cool, but not really my taste. The vocals are ballsy as shit and very impressive, but they grate on my nerves so much. And the lyrics are, well, incomprehensible to me, but reading them on Genius, they're pretty good I guess? Dude I don't know what to tell you, I just can't get into it.
10. Reminder - The Weeknd
I actually like this more than most people seem to. Sure it's the weakest single off Starboy by far, and there were MUCH better choices The Weeknd could've chose (Sidewalks was RIGHT THERE LIKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING), but this is still solid. The beat has a decent groove and fantastic atmosphere, I like the weird quacking sound matched with the thick drums and smooth, dark bass. The Weeknd sounds as great as ever, and he makes quite a few entertaining melodies throughout the song. My biggest problem here is definitely the lyrics. While I do hate the "she go lo mein" line, I also fucking love "GOD DAMN BITCH I AM NOT A TEEN CHOICE", so those cancel each other out. But that doesn't excuse the rest of this mediocrity. And it looks like I'm not in the wrong here either, because Reminder doesn't seem to be a hit with most people, and I'm fine with that. It's a good song Weeknd, but you got much better ones.
THE GOOD TIER (4/5)
9. Slide - Frank Ocean
Yes, this is a disco masterpiece. The piano and synth match perfectly. The guitar is funky as fuck, the drums are punchy, it sounds marvelous. Frank Ocean kills this hook, it's flawless. Migos' verses are dope as fuck (I wished Takeoff had a verse, but whatever), and it's some of the best they've done. But this song is just missing...something. The it factor, if you will. Everytime I listen to this it just leaves this empty, unsatisfied feeling in me. It's similar to what happens when I listen to Run Away With Me by Carly Rae Jepsen. On paper and in concept, it's perfect. But when I actually go listen to it, I just don't feel it.
I think this one might just need a few more listens. By the end of the year don't be surprised if this tops my best list.
THE GREAT TIER (5/5)
8. 24K Magic - Bruno Mars
Still awesome
7. I Feel It Coming - The Weeknd ft Daft Punk
Still awesome.
6. That's What I Like - Bruno Mars
Still awesome.
5. Distraction - Kehlani
This is an RnB song with brilliant pop trends sprinkled into it. Kehlani kills this performance, but in more of a pop vein than an RnB one. The little "DO YA DO YA DO YA"s are straight up awe inspiring, but it's a total pop move. Her high notes and runs sound beautiful, but they don't match her usual RnB flare. The funky synth is a cool sound, but it isn't an RnB sound. The only thing that makes this sound RnB is the slower tempo, it really just sounds like a pop song playing at 80% speed. What I'm trying to say is that it's a fantastic pop song, and not really an RnB song at all. But in the end, it's still fucking fantastic.
4. Selfish - Future ft Rihanna
Never been much of a fan of Future, but he has really been impressing me recently. For one, his beats have gotten a lot better. Much more atmospheric and pleasant sounding to the ears. It actually kinda sounds like he just ripped the bass out completely without changing anything else, and that may have been for the better. This is so fucking soothing, I love it. But what really sets this song apart from other Future tracks is Rihanna and how much fucking chemistry these 2 have. The lyrics barely describe their break up at all, nor does it describe why they want to get back together. But when they harmonize, I can just *feel* it, y'know? They have this weird emotion together, and it just fucking clicks. It shouldn't, but it does. Rihanna sounds beautiful, and Future sounds absolutely nothing like Future, which is a GREAT thing! This seems like the song Future was trying to make his entire career after Ciara left him. He channeled all his negative energy into something marvelous, without sounding pissy or angry. Great track.
3. Saved - Khalid
Khalid's album was extremely mediocre. There were only 2 tracks I loved from it. This is one of them. Fuck is this good! Khalid seems to be trying to make the most vibe out music possible, and he did a great job here. The bubble popping synth, watery drums, and lovely little acoustic guitar opener is really lovely.
There's good lyrics here too. I think. Yeah, I don't really care about this narrative, couldn't even be fucked to google it's Genius page. I'm too focused on the slick production and Khalid's smooth voice. It's a great song to play while you're doing mundane tasks, I've found...which is kind of an insult, now that I think about it...
2. Lens - Frank Ocean
Now THIS is the Frank Ocean I love. Didn't care for Blonde at all, but I dig the fuck out of this. Lyrically, it's of course great. Frank is thinking back on all the shitty things he's done in life, and he's convinced that people have been watching him (thus the title "Lens") and judging him for his "sins". Blonde touched into subjects like this a bit, but I never really got hooked into it. And I think what really sold me here is how this song sounds. It's solely made up of a slippery piano line and Frank Ocean's vocals auto tuned to oblivion. And it sounds fucking majestic. The tone fits perfectly, and it sticks up the hairs on your arms *just* enough for you to notice, but not enough for you to be put off. It's disturbing yet soothing at the same time, servicing a fantastic listen. It's a song you could leave as background music for every situation in your life, yet it also has some depth and substance to it. Brilliant song, perfect mood music. But not the best mood music.
1. Location - Khalid
This is INCREDIBLE. Absolutely fucking incredible. This is a special song, you don't see songs like this often. Lyrically, it isn't that complicated, but still very enjoyable. It's a story about a clumsy young love, and it's somewhat adorable the more you look into it. But the lyrics don't really matter. what matters is this atmosphere and how perfect it is.
This is a song that will send you into another fucking world. I know that they probably did this all by accident, but every little sound here contributes to a breath taking experiences. I'm sure I've said this quite a few times, but this time it's 100% serious. I listened to this song for 3 hours straight at 2am a couple of weeks ago, and I felt high as a fucking kite. The chipmunk vocals are layered perfectly, the synth is beautiful, the hi hats somehow fit perfectly, the snaps make everything more catchy, the small drum solos are all amazing. Everything fits together and compliments each other. I'm gonna save most of my praise for my Best Hit Songs of 2017 though, because this might just top the entire fucking list.
So yeah, that was a nice change of pace, huh? And a 55/100 isn't too bad either! Anyways, while RnB continues to be above average, let's hope that that all of pop music can do the same.
How dare you hate on Passionfruit
ReplyDeleteThank you for doing the good deed. Passionfuit is absolute garbage
ReplyDeleteWasn't idfc from like 2014?
ReplyDeleteI have no idea. All I know is that it was on the chart I ranked.
Delete