No really, what the fuck happened here? 2009 is WAY worse than I remembered. At least, it was for the US. For the Canadian charts, it actually wasn't half bad. Sure we got our own local shit songs (TRUST ME, we will get into some of these later) but most of the really awful songs from the US didn't reach over here. So, I decided to make a list using both the year ends.
Rules are simple. I can only choose songs that made it onto the Billboard Year End for 2009, and/or the Canadian Year End for 2009. So, let's dive straight into some dishonorable mentions.
D.M 1: Birthday Sex - Jeremih (US: 37 / CA: N/A)
It does hurt a bit to put this on here, as I've actually grown to like Jeremih a lot lately. But this is still horrendous. Creepy, boring, and that annoying "GURL U KNOW I-I-I" that seems to last forever. Thankfully Jeremih would eventually recover, but this is still an ugly spot on his discography.
D.M 2: Love Game - Lady Gaga (US: 35 / CA: 13)
I have no fucking idea how this was a hit other than previous Lady Gaga hype. Easily the worst hit of her career.
D.M 3: No Surprise - Daughtry (US: 63 / CA: 64)
I fucking LOATHE Daughtry with a burning passion, and they escape my worst list every year because they're somehow always in year end lists with stuff that is somehow even worse. Fuck this overblown nonsense & I'm glad they stopped making music.
D.M 4: 3 - Britney Spears (US: 87 / CA: 71)
This production is a fucking disaster. Ultra flat bass hits, fake claps that barely register, and that fucking saw sound that wouldn't fit well in ANY song, let alone one talking about a fucking 3-way. But, I don't totally hate this. I don't mind Britney's vocals, and she's done FAR worse in 2009 (ooohhhh, foreshadowing!).
D.M 5: Obsessed - Mariah Carey (US: 41 / CA: 94)
D.M 6: Hotel Room Service - Pitbull (US: 46 / CA: 55)
Every aspect of this is disgusting on some level, but most of them don't matter. The only one that really matters (since it's a party dance track) is how fucking disgusting this beat is.
D.M 7: How Do You Sleep? - Jesse McCartney ft Ludacris (US: 86 / CA: N/A)
There's an odd layer of fuzz in the back of the mix on the chorus that pisses me off to no end. But I'd still rather listen to that then the verses. Whoever produced this should be stoned to death.
Alright, time to start the real nostalgia bomb, The Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2009!
I am terrified for my future. I'm scared to learn how to drive, scared to get a job, to volunteer. Fuck, I'm scared to graduate high school! But what I'm scared of the most is college & university. Hopefully I'll go to the latter, because if I ever have to be reminded of THIS dog shit again, a good education might not even be worth it if I have to suffer through this oil spill of a song.
No. 10: I Love College - Asher Roth (US: 73 / CA: N/A)
Everything about this song just sounds absolutely dead. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but aren't college parties supposed to be crazy as fuck? Just complete young adult mayhem? Because this song is the exact opposite of that. The beat is dead before it even starts. A guitar buried under itself, a cymbal that's shredded to dust, and a collection of sounds binding together into the most boring beat to ever be formed for a party song. And Asher Roth sure as fuck isn't helping. He just sounds so exhausted & soulless. I mean you could argue that "Oh he's trying to sound high & that's why he has all his energy drowned out", but I just don't buy it. And I know that the lyrics to this don't really matter. It's a stupid party song supposed to be played at drunk frat parties & nowhere else. Fuck, it's called "I Love College", it's the most pandering song of the century. But damn dude, because of how slow & empty this song sounds, I just can't get past how fucking wack these bars are.
"I wanna go to college for the rest of my life/Sip banker's club, and drink Miller Lite/On Thirsty Thursday and Tuesday Night Ice"
I don't even got a witty jab or anything, this just sounds fucking depressing.
"So fill up my cup/Lets get fucked up (lets get fucked UP!)/I'm next on the table,/Who want what? (What?!)"
Ok, so there's 2 ways to process this
a) Asher Roth is drunk off his ass threatening people
b) Asher Roth is so drunk he's willing to buy anyone whatever the fuck they want at this bar
Either way, you're fucking stupid.
"I am champion, at beer pong,/Allen Iverson, Hakeem Olajuwon"
Ah yes, the Allen Iverson of beer pong. Now it's CONFIRMED you're a loser. Congrats.
The funniest part is the 2nd verse, where Roth starts to educate you, the listener as well as everybody around him, on all the good life tips he's learned by being at college parties. Such as, not leaving the party until you've drank ALL the beer your mind desires, not having sex if your partner is wasted, putting 2 condoms on because, hey, you GOTTA trust Asher Roth on this one! He's been with plenty of babes! Yeah, I'm sure dude. You say you're like Allen Iverson, but I'm thinking you're probably shooting blanks & not 3-pointers, if you catch my drift.
Overall, this song is just depressing to listen to. Roth chant's "CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG" on the bridge, and if you have to listen to this mess, I'd honestly take his advice to do it. With hard liquor.
The standards for pop songs have never & will never be very high. After Lady Marmalade in 2001, a song with a chorus that was just straight up nonsense, went to No. 1, all sense of reality went out the window. You can shit out complete gibberish and still get a Top 40 hit as long as it's catchy. But even then, we should still better than THIS, right?
No. 9: Untouched - The Veronicas (US: 69 / CA: 52)
I was way too nice to this song when I first heard it & I'm not giving it a pass this time. So here goes nothing. Short and sweet: This is a pop rock disaster. I mean the first verse is just complete fucking nonsense.
"I go ooh ooh, you go ah ah/lalalalalalalala"
what
"I can't lie lie lie lie lie lie/I wanna wanna wanna get get get what I want/Don't stop/Give me give me give me what you got got/Cause I can't wait wait wait any more more more more"
w h a t
What does ANY of this mean? Is there a narrative that I'm missing? I mean by the hook the song seems to be about how this girl loves her boyfriend. Alright, that's a fine thing to build your song around. But that's all from the chorus. The chorus is supposed to be the main point, or sometimes the solution of the narrative, and the verses are supposed to be the context. The filler that tells you what the fuck is going on. But there's nothing here. Even if you ignore the stuttering & repeating of words & lines, nothing about these lyrics are salvageable.
This instrumentation is...ok. Except for the 2nd verse, where the bass gets really fuzzy & obnoxious and is borderline ear rape. But other than that...Eh? It's a couple of interesting ideas buried under the most basic pop-rock garbage you'd find on this side of Hot Topic. Not good, but not particularly atrocious either. Also there's this synth breakdown that reminds me of the synth breakdown on Shut Up And Dance, which I absolutely love. But nah psych, the synth sounds like shit, bland with no texture or tone. And speaking of bad synths...
1 word: Over-compensation. Wait, or is that 2 words? Does the dash make it 1 word or 2? I mean I know over & compensation are 2 separate words, but can I really just slap them together with a dash & call it a day as 1 word? I think this was mentioned in my English class at one point, but I sure as fuck can't be bothered to remember. Oh wait, just looked it up, it IS 1 word, just WITHOUT a dash! Huh, isn't that intere- it's Every Girl by Young Money.
No. 8: Every Girl - Young Money (US: 67 / CA: N/A)
I'm all for ridiculous subject matter, I really am. But it's gotta be framed properly. You can't proclaim "I want to fuck every vagina on Earth" while also trying to convince everyone including yourself that you're a sex god (looking at you Lil Wayne). I'm not even gonna TOUCH whatever the fuck Lil Wayne's verse is. It's just disgusting. Not necessarily on a moral stance, just on a literal stance. His voice sounds like a dolphin on land getting it's fin blown off with a shotgun. It's petty, desperate, and just straight up dumb to listen to, and therefor dumb to critique, which sums up this song fairly well actually. Everything about this song just screams overcompensation to me. Especially Drake's verse.
"All they want to talk about is partyin' and fashion/Every single night I have a dream that I am smashin'"
If you have a dream every night that you're smashin', then you probably aren't smashin' at all. You can go join Asher Roth at that table.
"I will fuck with all y'all/All y'all are beautiful/I just can't pick one so you can never say I'm choosy hoes"
Oh Drake, Drake, Drake. My boy. Saying "Look, I would fuck all of you, I really would, But I just can't decide WHO I want to fuck!" makes no sense. Maybe if you were a regular dude it wouldn't make sense, but you're not. You're Drake. You had 3 top 10 hits & are best buds with Lil Wayne. Just...fuck them all? You don't seem like the religious type, so it shouldn't be a problem.
"Are any y'all into girls like I am lesssssbianest (let's be honest)"
Oh yeah you DEFINETLY aren't the religious type.
Also can I briefly mention how this is the worst fucking synth line of all time? It mirrors the vocal melody & it's mixed so horribly that is sounds like a fucking karaoke track. Mostly because that's basically the only piece of production here. You got some drums with non-existent rhythm, and some other percussion that sounds like it doesn't matter. The whole song just sounds so empty & dull. Every time the hook comes around I'm expecting some guitar or something to burst it, but nope! Just Lil Wayne with throat cancer gargaling at the top of his lungs & a very disturbing pitched shifted vocal that sounds like Satan himself.
Oh, and there's like 3 other rappers on this track I think. But no one cares about them. All you need to know is Jae Millz has a strong affection for girls who look like Eva (not my first choice, but suit yourself), Gudda "Grocery Bag" Gudda wants to "Get his Bill Clinton on" and then immediately follows it up with fucking Hilary Clinton, which raises SO many questions, and Mack Maine gives a 3 year warning to Miley Cyrus on when he's gonna fuck her. Creepy yes, but don't lie, 2009 Miley Cyrus was hot. I don't blame him (I mean I totally still do, he's fucking disgusting, but he's at least UNDERSTANDABLY disgusting). Mack also exchanges V-cards with 'retards', which, like the majority of the bars of this song, raises WAY more questions than it answers. The song is gross, creepy, and borderline 'rapey', and the fact I found SEVEN songs worse than this is staggering.
I've never seen so much effort put into something so fucking stupid & useless since Mighty No. 9.
No. 7: If U Seek Amy - Britney Spears (US: 74 / CA: 68)
I'm kinda at a loss for words if I'm being honest. I have no idea a record company let this exist. In case you're deaf, "If U Seek Amy" read out loud pretty clearly reads out "F-U-C-K me". Now, you'd think that this is mildly clever, considering it's a Britney Spears song. Sneakily saying "All of the boy & all of the girls are begging to F-U-C-K me" and getting it on pop radio by making people believe it's about some vapid deranged valley girl named Amy who people are supposedly seeking, it's kinda smart aint it? Well, it is until you pay any attention to the lyrics at all. Since they replaced "F-U-C-K me" with "If You Seek Amy", the phrase is supposed to be interpreted as "All of the boys & all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy"
...are her writers THAT fucking stupid?
That makes no sense at all. There's no way you can emphasize words or twist stuff around to make it make sense. It isn't just grammatically incorrect, it just isn't correct in the first place. The only way you can possibly look at this is the dirtier "secret" way. Especially when she makes it THIS fucking obvious. She references it at the beginning of the music video, she named it "If U Seek Amy" in case it wasn't clear enough, and after she says it on the 2nd chorus, she starts saying "Can't you see what I see?". She is trying her absolute hardest to tell you what she ACTUALLY means. Lyrically it's an absolute fucking disaster, but that shouldn't matter right? It's a pop song, radio listeners don't give a fuck about lyrics. Even more so, it's a Britney Spears song! She's had her fair share of questionable lyrics, and that's never stopped her. It all depends on how catchy the song is, and how it sounds. Well, thank god it isn't catchy at all. Because of the broken English on the chorus, she says the "If You Seek Amy" part way faster, which not only raises some questions (Was she just trying to push the F-U-C-K me thing harder, or did she know it made no sense and tried to rush it & see if no one noticed? Both are horrendous, but at least the former isn't as disrespectful as the latter), but it also smashes the melody to pieces. It's not like you wanted this melody anyways though, dear lord is it unlistenable. The production doesn't help either. Flat bass, some horns that seem to appear & flat line on the same note, broken percussion, and yet another truly atrocious synth line. Britney is slathered in auto tune as usual, so her performance didn't come close to salvaging this garbage heap. But to be fair, I don't think ANY performance could've salvaged this.
I don't hate this artist ok. She has a few great hits, she's made some of the best songs of all time, & she had one of the best albums of 2016! Unfortunately, she just had a really bad 2009. Like, REALLY bad.
No. 6: Diva - Beyonce (US: 82 / CA: N/A)
I have no idea what to say about this one. I mean just fucking listen to it & you'll figure out all the problems on your own. Guess I'll give it a shot though, but only in point form because 2 AM TechJet is a lazy piece of shit.
1) A diva is not a female version of a hustler. Quite the opposite actually. I'm sure a lot of people have different viewpoints, but as far as I know, a diva is a female version of a douche bag.
2) Bangladesh's first appearance on this list, and after hearing this dog shit, you shouldn't be surprised that it won't be his last. This beat is just...weird. The verses have these really stiff drums & basically nothing else except for a very faint "I-I-I'm a diva" backing vocal that sounds creepier the more the song goes on. Then the chorus comes with plinky keys, a synth line that's just non functional, and some thick fuzzy bass that sounds so out of place. In short, the verses are too empty, and the chorus is too cluttered. Truly a producing mastermind.
3) Beyonce's performance here is very powerful (it's what keeps it this low), but almost... too powerful. The way her flow bounces off this production just makes these lyrics kinda disappear into thin air. I've never seen anything like it before. I've seen production drowning lyrics out, but never the opposite.
There you go. Roughly what I think of Diva by Beyonce. It's garbage. Next.
I want you to imagine this for a moment. In a studio somewhere, 3 people recorded themselves over this beat someone else made for them, this someone else being a well known producer, not just a nobody. Not just 4 people, but 3 people and 1 very experienced person greenlit this bullshit. Even ignoring all the other people probably involved, just imagine in a recording studio, that at one point, someone, let alone 4 people agreed & said "Yes, this is a complete and finished product, worthy of a $1.29 price tag". All I ask is how. Fucking h o w.
No. 5: Break Up - Mario ft Sean Garret & Gucci Mane (US: 65 / CA: N/A)
God where to start with this one. Well, I'd first like to point out that the dude who made the sweet & borderline corny "Let Me Love You" somehow managed to be the lead artist on THIS disaster. Accompanied by 2 nobodies & the King of shit himself Bangladesh, this was destined to be a train wreck. And it's somehow worse than that. This entire production, in wonderful Bangladesh fashion, is just straight up broken. The clap is fake and somehow off beat, the drums are fake, & the synth has a fairly interesting melody until it sometimes gets stage fright & collapses behind Mario's disastrous vocals. The vocal production just surrounds the entire track and in turn your ears & just sounds horrific. Like, genuinely horrific, this could soundtrack the next Paranormal Activity movie and it'd fit in both tone & quality. Mario asks this girl if his robotic cooing makes this girls 'earlobes freeze' (is this some sort of sexual innuendo I'm too 'pure' to notice, or is this as stupid as it sounds?), and yeah, that's basically what this beat will do to you. Overall, the songs sound is the musical equivalent of you slamming your pinky toe against a bed frame. And Gucci Manes verses? Fuck me...
"Now baby girl have dumped me/She no longer wants me/I'm no longer hired/She says that I've been fired"
Saying your girl 'fired' and 'hired' you is possibly the worst way to possibly explain a relationship. I mean I'm sure this doesn't seem THAT bad, but imagine if a dude was the one 'hiring' in this situation. Yeah...ew.
"Girls are like buses/Miss one, Next 15 one comin"
Even ignoring the fact that this is just straight up wrong (Your same bus will not show up 15 times a day. That aint happening), that's really just nitpicking. I'm more disturbed from Gucci comparing a girl to a...bus? Why would you do that? Expensive cars, like a Ferrari or Cadillac or something, I kinda get it yeah. But a bus? The fuck are you talking about? Actually, why am I critiquing bars from Gucci fucking Mane. Man, my already low standards have REALLY dropped, haven't they.
And then we have Sean Garret. I'm sure he does something, but I have no idea what. For me to gain this knowledge, I would need to watch the video. You can go fuck yourself. But, rest assured, if he DID do anything on this song, I can say with 100% certainty he was trash at it. Thank god this song killed the careers of everyone involved, except for Gucci who would comeback a decade later on a No. 1 hit...man the music industry is weird.
Memes have become the way of the internet now. They've been infesting the web for around a decade, and slowly but surely breaking out into the public eye until the whole world turns into a shitshow. Hell, memes have become so incorporated into culture that songs can hit No. 1 on Billboard just because of it. But memes aren't always a good thing. Look, I love memes as much as the next idiot, but I don't let them change my mind on a songs quality. This certain song is a meme in a lovely community I'm in, and let me stress. It. Fucking. Sucks.
No. 4: Pop Champagne - Ron Browz & Jim Jones ft Juelz Santana (US: 98 / CA: N/A)
Holy fuck. What the fuck am I even listening to. If Break Up's beat was broken, I got no idea what the fuck to call THIS. It's like you gave Bangladesh 90 seconds in FL studio to make 1/3rd of a beat. Just NOTHING about this works. The drums are fake & dull, the claps are trying their best not to exist, and once in a while this one really fucked synth comes in to jizz all over Ron Browz vocals that are auto-tuned to Mars & back, and seemed to catch 8 diseases along the way. The repetition of the phrase "I WANNA SEE YOU DANCE, SEE YOU DANCE" legit gives me a headache. But then again, maybe he's not much of a vocalist, but a really good writer? I mean the Top 40 in the 2000s was basically built on people who can't sing but can write a catchy song, right? Oh do I wish.
"Tell 'em Ron Browz here hottest in America"
Well, nowhere near the hottest really. If it makes you feel better, you were once the 22nd hottest in America! That is, if you discount features on all songs above you, as well as producers & wri-this joke is fucking stupid.
"Gimme sixteen bars and you know I tear it up"
Even counting the repeated phrases of "I WANNA SEE YOU DANCE", you only gave me 14 bars.
...was I supposed to give you the last two or something?
Juelz Santana is featured on this song, but acknowledging his existence any more than this 1 sentence I'm saying right now would just be insulting to you reading this, so let's just skip him & NEVER talk about him again.
Then there's the main dude, Jim Jones. Technically, it's his song. What a great title to hold.
"Now we tryin to get up in the club/Try to tell me no cause I'm rollin with the thugs/(We got money bitch!!!) Until I flash a couple of dollars (Yep!)/Tell 'em we only want tables and we buyin out the bottles"
Dude, I don't think your thugs are the problem with getting into the club. I think it's because no one knows who the fuck Jim Jones is. And a couple of dollars? You aint gettin shit with $10 boi. Forget the champagne, maybe try getting yourself a Cors Lite & go sit in the corner depressed for 5 hours. That seems a lot more your speed.
"We standin on couches, a couple of women (Hey baby)/We was ballin hard it was just the ninth inning (Early!)"
...I'm just gonna leave this here. I don't think I really need to explain what's wrong with this one.
"And your friends could meet with my friends (What else)/And we could do this on the weekend or on the weekday/We could do this on the freeway and get in the freak way/SHIT!!! We could get it on three way (Oh)"
How charming! Telling girls all the marvelous when & where's you can fuck them just gets the pussy piling up at your doorstep I'm sure! Especially when one of these said places includes the freeway. Jim Jones is just in the car like "Yeah girl don't worry, I got this. Brake: Left, Gas: Right, Dick: Pussy, I got every angle covered!"
This song should probably be higher (When I think about it, this song should probably be No. 1) but it's just too...fascinating to me. It's got the total Car Crash Effect on it, where it's so horrible you just gotta keep observing it in your mind just to marvel in it's atrocity & ponder just what the fuck happened in this situation.
Remember when I said that Canadian songs would show up on this list? Yeah, here they are. 2 out of the 3 of them. This 3rd spot specifically being a tie. Now, I hate ties. They're cop outs, and are usually just ways of people trying to avoid making up their minds. But this is an exception, mostly because these songs are fucking identical.
No. 3: Summer Girl/Throw Ya Hands Up - Stereos/ft. Jhevon Paris (US: N/A / CA: 35/85)
Everything horrible about late 2000s music is right here. Horrendous auto tune, flat as all hell vocal, douchey lyrics that paint some sort of pretentious nature on how much better they are than either you the listener, their para more, or just the human race in general, flat, chunky, awful sounding guitars, grating synths, and of course the flattest beat known to man. These songs both have all of that, let alone all of the exact same ones. Well, apart from the lyrics. One is about being M-M-M-M-M-M-M-MR. STEAL YO GURL, and the other is about...partying? Brag rap? Some awkward grey middle area? Whatever it is, it encapsulates everything awful about this genre of music. There isn't much to say about either of these songs. They aren't interesting, they're both generically horrendous in the worst of ways. The only difference between these 2 songs is Throw Ya Hands Up has a rap verse. I'm 100% sure this was only placed here for street cred, but I'm not sure that was a very successful move. I mean, I can't imagine you getting much street cred from some nobody, let alone a nobody named Jhevon Paris. I have no clue who this dude is. Actually he kinda reminds me of Juelz Sant-OH FUCK. NONONONONONO. FUCK THAT. NEXT SONG. GET THIS AWAY FROM ME. AWKWARD OUTRO I DON'T GIVE A SHIT JUST LET ME ESCAPE.
I feel like artists bias me too much. Like those last 2, should they really have been that high? I think my disliking of Stereos is what pushed those songs so high, as opposed to Untouched by The Veronicas, who have a song that's barely functional, but I don't really know their music at all so I don't really hate them. Now, while it may seem like that applies here, I can assure you it doesn't. Trust me, I fucking hate Keri Hilson, but I hate this song even more.
No. 2: Turnin Me On - Keri Hilson ft Lil Wayne (US: 49 / CA: N/A)
This is something else. Something special. The song that represents 2009 to me: a musical dead zone while trying to convey way more swagger than you have. I mean just LISTEN to this beat. This masterpiece you're currently listening to comes from a true legend of his time, Polow Da Don. He produced many hits in the mid to late 2000s, such as Buttons by The Pussycat Dolls, Throw Some D's by Rich Boy, London Bridge by the infamous Fergie-ferg, each of these songs being fucking horrendous. I've heard this song many times for this list, & I'm still not sure what this beat is. You got some fucked percussion, a synth line with a black eye, broken leg, & all the life sucked out of it, & some horns that get played underwater. Other than that, nothing. Everything sounds so fucking empty, & Keri's vocals aren't helping. She can't hit a note to save her life. She just sounds so awful, especially that "AHHWWHHWWHAWHHWAHAAAAAA" on the hook she does, which might be the most annoying thing to ever hit the charts. But of course, like most bad songs, this song gets up here for the lyrics. Give me your worst Keri.
"You fly as hell swagga right brown skin poppin/You know just how to talk to me/Know just how I like it/You turning me on"
Ok so this song is about how guys turn Keri on or off. Not what I would make a song about, but sure, I'll bite. So, how are these guys loving you Keri?
"Now wait a minute little buster/You got one more time to feel on my booty/Betta recognize a lady that ain't the way you do me/You turning me off"
Alright so you dislike how forward & upfront this dude is, which is fine. Although I must admit the phrase "Now wait a minute little buster" being said in this century is hilariously stupid.
"Better recognize a real woman"
Yep. Not touching that one.
"You ever try to get that close to me/You better come correct how you 'proachin me"
So this is pretty fine as well, tellin these dudes that you gotta make sure they're 'the one' and all that. Um...why did I put this song at No. 2 again?
"Pulling up on it/You acting like you want it/Ain't stuntin like ya daddy/Checking for this little mama/You turning me on"
Alright so you like how forward & upfront this dude is, which is...wait. But didn't you...but you said...*sigh* you fucking idiot. You only got 2 different dudes you gotta build minor characters for, yet you make them the same & then say you like one but not the other? F U C K I N G W H A T. Songwriting 101 people, c'mon. I mean I know it was your first album, but you wrote this with 2 other people, you're telling me NONE of you could structure an ACTUAL narrative? Fuck me.
"Now wait a minute little buster/Now you don't even know me/But you wanna take me shoppin/You a lame I can tell it ain't big shit poppin/You turning me off"
Oh no, say it aint so! He wanted to *gasp* BUY YOU THINGS? EGAD!
This is beyond stupid. "Since you bought me something, you're a lame". Alright Keri "I'm a Cunt" Hilson, so I guess you're never getting married huh? "The fuck is this ring? Do you think I need to rely on MEN TO LOOK GOOD? I'M A REAL WOMAN & I DON'T NEED ANYONE BUT MYSELF! LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMEEE!" You're a bitch & I hope your life fucking 'turns off'. But, even after all of that, what pushes this song from No. like 4 to it's current spot is the guest verse. And who could give us such a glorious guest verse other than the king himself, Lil fucking Wayne.
"I hope your vagina tight/I go under water and/I hope your piranha bite"
If your vagina is 'biting', you should probably see a doctor, or maybe a vet depending on the situation I guess.
"I'm gonna kiss the spot for you/And I'm gonna kiss it till you scream wait a minute motherfucker"
Well considering there's a piranha in there, she's probably already screaming.
"I turn you on like a handle/Like a television on the weather channel"
2 slightly wack lines come together to create an entirely wack segment. Lil Wayne 101.
"Cause I make it rain girl/Now call me Wayne girl/You just a earthling/You ain't never been to Waynes World"
Wow, clutch reference bro! That's gonna kill with the mid to late 40s crowd! Oh, back when Saturday Night Live was funny. Seems like it's been almost a decade at this point. Oh shit, it has.
"Baby I'm the shit and that's the only thing you smell around me"
Wayne's always gotta get a shit pun in there somewhere. He doesn't got a single verse in the 2000s where he doesn't have one.
"You turn me off"
Oh c'mon, Keri isn't THAT ugly. She's like a light 6. I mean, you kissed Birdman that one time, I can't imagine your standards are THAT high!
I fucking hate this. Even if you ignore all the lyrics, the song is just a wasteland. It's one of the few pop songs I've heard that just straight up isn't catchy. There's no real hook to latch onto, you just kinda float along 4 minute of hell until the song ends. Everything bad about 2009 is in this 1 song. But, somehow, there's something I found that's worse. What is it? Well, to build fake suspense & tension, here's more Dishonorable mentions because 2009 was THAT fucking bad.
D.M: 8: I'm Yours - Jason Mraz (US: 7 / CA: 5)
Adult Alternative bullshit at it's absolute worst.
D.M 9: Celebration - Madonna (US: N/A / 73)
...ew.
D.M 10: Boom Boom Pow - The Black Eyed Peas (US: 1 / CA: 4)
A bunch of random sound effects in combination with filler bars & dropped rhymes makes this one of the Black Eyed Peas worst.
D.M 11: Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) - Beyonce (US: 8 / CA: 19)
Just an absolute disaster.
D.M 12: Dead & Gone - T.I ft Justin Timberlake (US: 12 / CA: 25)
T.I kills everything, and this song is no different.
D.M 13: If I Were a Boy - Beyonce (US: 48 / CA: 31)
Not fucking touching this one.
D.M 14: Blame It - Jamie Foxx ft T-Pain (US: 16 / CA: 88)
You'd think that T-Pain + the dude from Gold Digger would make an insanely fun song, but yet they made one of the most depressing party songs I've ever heard.
Alright. Time for No. 1!
If you even glanced at the Canadian Year End list for 2009, you would know EXACTLY what this song is. It's by my most hated band, I complain about it all the time, and a few of you also probably already hate it. However this is a weird No. 1. It doesn't have *that* sound of a Worst of The Year, y'know? Turnin Me On had it, Diva had it, Break Up had it, that sound of a No. 1 slot. But trust me, I hate this, truly fucking hate this, with every fiber of my body. SO *cracks knuckles* let's go Hedley, you pieces of shit.
No. 1: Cha Ching - Hedley (US: N/A / CA: 58)
Everything about this fucking hack of a song fills me with rage. The beat that's pretty blatantly stolen from The Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang (which is a song EVERYONE loves), an abysmal guitar line, some creepy synth hits that have no pattern or melody, and everything produced under a slight layer of fuzz that makes everything sound so fucking slapdash, cheap & grating. None of this is helped by Jacob Hoggard, who is the worst man to ever front a band & probably to ever touch a microphone. How this man almost won Canadian Idol I have no idea. His voice is so weak, so grating, just so unprofessional and just straight up horrific. He makes a good song bad, and a bad song WAY WAY WORSE. He over enunciates lines for no reason, pronounces words wildly wrong to both fit the meter & rhyme scheme, and most noticeably, he gets swiftly kicked in the nuts at the end of every other bar & makes a cringe worthingly awful noise. I can't imagine how people could enjoy how this sounds. What I also don't believe is how anyone can enjoy this song lyrically!
"So everybody dance, and everybody sing/If you wanna go far, if you wanna be a star/Yeah we can swing it/CHA-CHING!"
This song is basically about how corrupt the music industry is, how dumb the media and entertainment business is, and how record companies will use you, sacrifice your integrity as a musician & milk you like a cash cow. Now, this isn't a bad idea. It's actually a great one. Hell, the superior Canadian pop-rock band Marianas Trench built up a critical darling relationship by doing this exact thing subtlety while still managing large radio play! But here's the difference: This is the most hypocritical songs I've ever fucking heard.
Jacob Hoggard originally auditioned & made top 3 of Canadian Idol. Yes, Canadian Idol, our version of American Idol. You know, that show that's basically built on finding who has the most mainstream accessible voice, giving them a minimal budget, then making incredibly bland & sterile pop music for the public to eat up, then proceed to throw these 'stars' to the wayside and repeat the cycle? Yeah, that was almost Jacob Hoggard. When he was eliminated from Idol, his band left him out of the blue, and he quickly managed to get a band together & used his Idol buzz to launch himself a No. 1 hit in Canada. He was the front man of a pop-punk band, and after that said No. 1 hit, started to fall into obscurity. So, after his first album, he signed to Capitol Records & became a pop-rock band instead to appeal to the masses. In case you haven't noticed yet, this story arc is exactly what he is bashing in this song! If you were wondering why he knows so much about it; Well, now you know: it's because HE fucking did it himself! The music video especially outlines this. The entire video is him parodying & making fun of reality shows like The Biggest Loser & Survivor, when he was fucking on one himself! It's just so aggravating to listen to this & not want to slam your first into Jacob's already too punchable face. But even ignoring ALL OF THIS, even if he wasn't a total
"It started on the real world/A hot tub full of hot girls/Grindin' every frat boy and freak"
Fucking gross.
"Line up all the idols/Who paint on phony smiles/Tryin' to ride the fast track for free"
T H A T W A S L I T E R A L L Y Y O U !
"Who's the biggest loser?/I'll bust the biggest boozer"
Pfft. 'Bust the biggest boozer'. I'll fucking bust you shithead.
"Pretendin' to be lesbians/And Tila's payin' all of them/While Flavor Flave gets fucked up for free"
Wow, you're a real douche, aren't ya? Also, 'lesbian' does not rhyme with 'all of them'. It isn't even close.
"Guess whose grinnin' living large/It's mini me, the porn star/Google it, I think you'll agree!"
I just did.
Thanks fuckstick.
"So hurry, turn it on, turn it on, get your 15 minutes/15's almost gone, turn it on, turn it on"
Judging from your latest album barely selling Gold & scraping by 1 forgotten top 20 hit, I'd say your minutes aren't too far behind them, buddy.
I don't get angry over songs most of the times (of course the 2 worst lists I've written are ones where the top spot make me angry, but whatever). This song fucking angers me. Stolen beat, disgusting lyrics, hypocritical nature & narrative, & is just overall fucking insulting. It is easily the Worst Song of 2009, no arguing whatsoever. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna lie down because I just wrote almost 1000 words on fucking Hedley.
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