Remember that one song from 2010 called "Hey Soul
Sister"? Remember how you used to sing it in the car all the time, despite
the fact you more than likely hated it? Well, those cunts are back 6 years
later, and they haven't changed a fucking bit!
This album is a trainwreck (pun ABSOLUTELY intended), I don't think anyone is surprised
about that. What I AM surprised about is how creatively horrendous it is. I
was expecting out of left field cringe-worthy lyrics (which I did get, to be
fair), but most of the baffling decisions was in the production. Credit where
credit is due, the triumphant horns and percussion loops in Silver Dollar is
pretty dope, sounds like something you'd hear on a good movie soundtrack, I dig it. But
the rest of this shit? Dear lord. Now of course you got your normal mom music
like "Play That Song" and "Working Girl". That type of
clean & stale music you'd hear in a Walmart or something. But then you get
shit like "The News" with these ghostly vocal samples layered over each
other with this pathetic bluesy RnB vibe, the jungle-tropical borderline reggae
sort of drums that "Lottery" has, the doo wop bullshit that is
Valentine, which is something that Meghan Trainor would reject without a second
thought, and whatever the FUCK you want to classify "Drink Up" as.
The album's sound has no direction whatsoever. It isn't even just taking all the
sounds of what is popular today & trying to latch onto trends like Sia or Tory Lanez
did, I think Pat Monaham just straight up doesn't know what the hell he's doing.
Speaking of Pat Monaham, the lead singer of this band, his
contributions to this album are...interesting. Like he says in Loverman
("Since I wandered off the grid, I been tryna' find my way back"),
Pat is completely off the fucking grid at this point. He has this total
disconnect of how to write a proper song without slipping into creepy or cringe
material. He's literally the Rivers Cuomo of the 2010s. Which, now that I think
about it, is quite a fitting comparison considering how constantly Pat just
screeches at the top of his lungs for no real reason, creating some extremely
awkward sections to listen to (ex: The bridge of "Loverman"). Take
"Play That Song" for instance, where the entire point of the song is
Pat passive aggressively threatening this DJ to play this certain song for his
girl & him, because it makes him go "all night long", as he says.
Gross. Or "Drink Up", which is supposed to be about how Pat wants
this girl (who he of course has just met) to 'drink up' all of the fond
memories they have and will have, a toast of some sort. That's cute I guess,
except when THIS is the pre chorus
"If you let me take you to my special place/I can make
sure everybody knows your name/Don't regret the things you do, or things you
say/Even if you did it for the fame"
...I feel creeped out, to say the least.
But the worst lyrics probably come in "Working
Girl", where Pat doesn't want some dumpster trash skank, but a
"working girl" instead, and someone who appreciates him for not being like
other guys who he says has 'left this certain girl sick', and Pat over here is
gonna 'be her medicine'! Fuck off. Accompanied with shit like "So don't
expect me to chase you babe/If you ain't sweet like Aspartame" and "I
can love you like you never been/And keep you going just like Ritalin", as
well as the repeating phrase of "lemme get the door for ya" at the
end of every 4 lines just makes you want to punch this man straight in the
face.
I hate this album, no surprises. But I did not expect to
hate it THIS much. Fuck, my earbuds broke while I was listening to it. Train
broke my fucking earbuds. And in the process, quite have possibly broke me as
well. I'd skip this album, even as a "so bad I have to hear it"
album, it just isn't worth it. If this isn't the worst album of the year then, jeez, 2017
is gonna be a LONG year.
SCORE: Light 2/10
BEST: Silver Dollar
WORST: Drink Up, The News, Working Girl, Play That Song,
Valentine, Loverman ft Priscilla Renea
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