Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2017

Ahhh 2017, easily the most overrated year for pop music of the 2010s

BLUE LIPS (Lady Wood Phase II) - Tove Lo (ALBUM REVIEW)

                             

The sex goddess is back, for better or worse.

Reputation - Taylor Swift (ALBUM REVIEW/RANT)

                              

Taylor Swift isn't one to usually surprise me, but with this one she DEFINITELY did!

I Fall Apart - Post Malone (SONG REVIEW)

                                      

I cannot believe we have gotten to this point. I did NOT start this blog so I could see this dipshit on my schedule.

Havana - Camila Cabello ft Young Thug (SONG REVIEW)

                             

So, people are starting to like Camila now?

2 A.M Rambles #4: 2016-2017 Caught Between Years Edition

As the year winds down, us music nerds start paying more and more attention to the Billboard Year End list(s). The list that most of us guideline our musical lists by, and the list that determines the 100 biggest songs of the year. But like most algorithms, there's a massive flaw that unfortunately can't be fixed: songs getting "caught between years" or "caught inbetween lists". These are songs that are undisputed hits (albeit not smashes) that start charting around October that end up charting in both 2016 AND 2017, thus having it's charting points split between 2 years. This upsets a lot of people because there are songs that get shafted from a big important list just because of when they were released, that all these great songs have their chances ripped from them! Well, I picked out the 5 biggest ones that guaranteed would have made 2017 YE list if it counted all their weeks. Now it's time to explain why they're all fucking garbage.

Fifth Harmony - Fifth Harmony (ALBUM REVIEW)

So...Fifth Harmony. Well aint this a pop group!

Rainbow - Kesha (ALBUM REVIEW)

                                  

I don't really think I need to give any background on Kesha, but fuck it I'll do it anyways.

2 A.M Rambles #3: BaeBae Rexha & Obnoxious Vaginas

Yes, you read that title right.

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2015

Why, fancy seeing you here! It seems like you decided to click on my Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2015 list! You couldn't wait to see my bitter ass tear into yet another year end list, couldn't you? Well, being honest, this list was probably the hardest to thrash, because I loved the 2015 YE. SO many fantastic songs, so many that I would willingly and actively seek out and listen to nearly half of the year end, which says a LOT. But, we can praise later, today is worst list time. Oh, and I'm not doing the Canadian year end because I forgot about it. W h o o p s. Anyways, here's the Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2015!

2 A.M Rambles #1: Ty Dolla $igns on my mind

So as the number of interesting albums to review go into a depression, and the Billboard charts continue to bore me, I'd thought I would do something that hopefully some of you enjoy: Me ranting about songs! What songs? Random songs! I think I'll rarely talk about hits, as that's what list season is for, but I'll try to talk about at least a couple songs that have some buzz at the moment. So with this deranged preamble aside, let's start off this series, that will most likely be short lived, with a masterpiece.

Billboard Top 20 Ranking (July 1st, 2017)

Ahh, the summer time, what a wonderful time of the year. The sun is shine, birds are chirping, everyone's out of school and on vacation, and most importantly, pop music somehow ALWAYS ends up taking a fucking nosedive.

Witness - Katy Perry (ALBUM REVIEW)

Katy Perry is currently going through her mid-life crisis. Which is a very weird thing to do when you're a pop star. There's really only 2 options for the music to go when this happens:

a) Boring acoustic/rock ballad type stuff (Joanna, for a recent example)

b) You straight up just lose your fucking mind.

Guess which one Katy went with this album?

Crying In The Club - Camila Cabello (SONG REVIEW)

Oh Camila Cabello, what an odd story you have. As you all know, Camila Cabello is an "up and coming" pop star who used to be a member of the ever so popular girl group "Fifth Harmony". Now, I love this group's music, but I (and basically everyone else) have always thought Camila was easily the weakest member of the group. Her voice was just shrill and irritating, she stuck out loud and clear from the other girls, and NOT in a good way. But many fans and even their fucking label shoved her into the position as the one who would go solo. and with 1 feature on a shitty rap song, 1 absence of a popular group, and absolutely NO vocal training in between, Camila has launched herself as one of the biggest names in pop music right now, even bigger than Fifth Harmony. So with that in mind, I was anticipating what she would drop for the lead single of her easily predictable lead album. No joke, I had NO clue what direction she planned to go to, considering Fifth Harmony rarely ever wrote their own music, it's not like she had much writing chops. And when I saw that Cashmere Cat had his hands on this production, my interest only intensified. So, it's the big breakthrough for possibly the beginning of a lengthy career as the queen of pop music, how did it turn out?

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2016

So...this is a little late aint it?

Alright, so originally I wasn't going to do this list. Because a) The list was dogshit (I didn't feel like talking about Justin Bieber 3 times on 1 list, let alone 3 times in a fucking row), and b) I thought I wasn't good enough at explaining my opinions positively. Then when I realized my next blog post not even 2 weeks later was a best list for fucking Hannah Montana, I facepalmed for 5 months straight and accepted that I'm ready for everything and just need to stop being a bitch about it.

Billboard Top 20 Hot RnB Charts Ranking (May 13th, 2017)

2017 has me so fucking BORED. Not many albums I'm interested in reviewing, no Billboard hits worth rambling on for 1000 words about, and Top 10 lists are still an option, but I'd like to keep a variety here. So while I wait for Iggy Azalea, MGK, and Allie X to drop things worth my time to rip into shreds and praise to the gods respectively, I thought it'd be cool to look at the RnB charts, because it has been an interesting year for RnB for sure. We have 2015 RnB's flavour back, but with minor takes of retro throwbacks and the massive surge of "vibe music" destroying everything around it. Basically, the direction of modern RnB is moving fast and furiously. Which is a very convenient and totally planned segway to start this ranking!

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2012

Oh 2012, what a year.

No, I'm serious. I was unimpressed at first, but going through the YE again, this was a great year for music! Every single genre stepped it up this year, and I applaud them. This year was also the big spike of indie songs, as well as the beginning (and end) of The Boy Band Wars: Volume 2. Safe to say, it was an interesting year. But what I did notice is that the worst songs this years were INSANELY bad, especially the top 3. Like, worst of the decade material. And the worst part is, they weren't even that fun to tear into. Destroying these songs in classic TechJet fashion (or, if you haven't figured it out yet, "Spectrum Pulse mixed with Todd In The Shadows" fashion) was a lot harder than it probably should've been, which is why this list took for fucking ever. Anyways, let's stop delaying this shit and get into the Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2012!

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2011

My favourite songs of 2011 was all about surprises to me. While I did find the year overall to be quite boring, the great stuff always stuck out to me, because it was filled with artists I otherwise have no interest in. Some many garbage singers and rappers stepped up their game this year, which is nothing but a good thing. But, enough of this boring preamble, let's get straight into the Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2011!

YOUTH - Tinie Tempah (ALBUM REVIEW)

I have no idea why I decided to review this. Tinie Tempah is a popular rapper from the UK that just fascinates me. Not because he's GOOD or anything, quite frankly the opposite. He makes so many odd and downright stupid choices, I can't help but listen to his music. Looking at the features for this album, it was looking up as well. Tinashe is my bae, and Jess Glynne & Zara Larsson are my girls. There was potential here, and with a title like "YOUTH" where Tinie is going to be talking about his childhood and come up, maybe he would get introspective in this shit as well! So, after experiencing the deep blissful bangers on the fantastic album "DAMN." by Kendrick Lamar, I decided to check this out right after. So, what did Tinie Tempah do on this album?

Memories...Do Not Open - The Chainsmokers (ALBUM REVIEW)

I do not like The Chainsmokers, surprise surprise. I find them incredibly obnoxious, with cheap annoying production & horrendous vocal performances, from both guests and even sometimes frontman himself Andrew Taggart. But even after all of that, I was still hyped for this album. While I didn't like "Paris" or "Something Just Like This" very much, they both showed incredible potential. They showed The Chainsmokers could make something absolutely brilliant if they sat down and put in 110%. So, I dived straight into this album the minute it came out. Was it garbage like most people expected, or did these guys sit down and make a pop masterpiece?

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2011

2011 is the most vanilla year we've gotten for a Billboard Year End in the 2010s so far. Every genre stayed pretty stagnant, no huge trends sprung out of the woodwork to take over, it was a tolerable time. A midpoint where club music was slowly moving out while rock & indie was slowly moving in. A calm, quiet, very tolerable year for music. Nonetheless, there were still some fucking horrible songs here, which we of course will be going over today. And since my introductions are always shit, let's just stop it right now and get into the Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2011!

Billboard Top 20 Ranking (April 1st, 2017)

You broke my heart 2017. You fucking broke it.

I was very positive towards this year. I wanted to love it after the mediocrity and blandness of 2016. I'm still hopeful, since it's only been 4 months, but the current state of the charts right now is NOT good. The good stuff recently fell off, the bad stuff is somehow lingering, and future hits are NOT looking promising (as opposed to Future hits, which aren't looking too bad actually). I'm not looking forward to this ranking, but fuck it let's do it anyways.

So Good - Zara Larrson (ALBUM REVIEW)

Now here's an artist I've been looking forward to. Zara Larsson is a UK sweetheart that has had pretty large success worldwide (minus the US because lol of course) and has managed to make some solid music throughout. After massive success with tracks like Lush Life, her feature on Girls Like, both tracks I loved, she decided to finally throw together a debut album. The promotional tracks for this album I loved. The poppy and solid I Would Like, the even greater So Good featuring my boy Ty Dolla, and the horrific train wreck that was Aint My Fault, which may have sucked sure, but it showed me that this album had potential. She wasn't going to be one of those MANY female pop stars who have 1 interesting single pop off, then create 9 other tracks of straight filler. Aint My Fault was a trainwreck, which showed that not only was it possible, but that she was WILLING to make a trainwreck, try new ideas and sounds, which I fucking love. The features seemed pretty self explanatory for what most pop stars do: 1 rapper who you otherwise wouldn't expect (Ty Dolla $ign), the 1 feature that everyone expected from miles away (Clean Bandit), and the 1 oddball pick (Wizkid, like seriously what the fuck). Nonetheless, I was fucking hyped for this album, the debut of a great pop starlet with a promising career. So, how'd this come out?

Everyday - Ariana Grande ft Future (SONG REVIEW)

Everyday - Ariana Grande ft Future
If you haven't heard it (or seen it's shitty music video): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHmBf4ExtZk

If you pay attention to my Twitter at all (which I presume most of you do), you would know I am fucking starved for songs to review. Most of the songs worth a damn are already in the top 20 as we speak, so I might as well save them for my Billboard Top 20 review in a couple of weeks. But I've been even more starved for a GOOD song review, because yes, I do in fact like music sometimes. I wanted something that I like, but people didn't *know* I particularly liked. Anytime I've said "I have no idea what the fuck to review", someone always replies with Location by Khalid. But you all know I fucking love that song, so why the fuck would I review it?

So, I caved in. I chose the Ariana single, off an album I really enjoyed. I remember loving this song months ago when I heard the album, so how is it now?

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2014

I liked 2014 music more than most people seemed to, but I get why it's a generally disliked year for the most part. Pop music seemed so much...slower than usual. The charts were stagnant as fuck, causing songs you'd NEVER think had a shot of hitting the YE somehow getting onto it (Did anyone even know Studio by Schoolboy Q existed before the 2014 YE?). And that reflected the actual music as well. All the songs seemed pretty lifeless. Each No. 1 we got was boring nonsense, and the fun songs were few and far between. So, it's time for the worst of them. And unlike most years, the Canadian YE was actually a LOT different from the US one, so expect to see quite a few songs from the frigid North show up here. Speaking of shitty Canadian hits, lets start this shit already. The Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2014!

Down - Marian Hill (SONG REVIEW)

Down - Marian Hill
If you haven't heard it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWGD2Cr9StM

The charts have been...weird these past couple of years. Back in 2014 and early 2015 when I watched the charts, I had a solid idea of what was going to chart and what type of music we'd be getting. Nowadays, I have absolutely no fucking idea. Not only are there so much different shit the mainstream is now willing to listen to (it used to just be the sample genres like Pop, RnB, Rap & Country, now we get Trap, EDM, Wonky, damn near experimental sometimes too, who knows), but there's just so many factors to track now (Like fuck I'm gonna try and figure out how the fuck Panodra and Soundcloud stream points work). So while I do still like to keep track of iTunes & Spotify charts because I'm a nerd, 40% of new entries I have no fucking idea will be coming. Introduce Down by Marian Hill: A songwriting/producing duo with borderline no past work other than remixes to various shitty songs, and 2 mildly awkward jazz-esque EPs that generated no buzz at all (except for a top 40 hit on the Alternative chart, which is basically the chart equivalent of learning how to do a bounce pass in basketball when you're in the NBA). And with the release of a worthless wreck of a debut album, they now have launched themselves a top 30 hit from being included in an Apple commercial that was aired during the Superbowl. Joy. With all the above information giving me basically nothing, I was completely unbiased to hearing this. So, is Down the start of the rise of a new A-lister in the making, or just another OHW to throw away into the bicycle bin after it's given 20 weeks?

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2014

2014 was a perfectly mediocre year. A lot of people would say this is a bad year, but I'd argue that wasn't the case. There was a lot of bad of course, but certainly enough good to average it out. Today, will be the best list. And since 2014 actually has a Canadian YE, be prepared to see some of my local favourites on this list. But besides that, let's stop wasting time and jump right into it. The Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2014!

Paris - The Chainsmokers (SONG REVIEW)

Paris - The Chainsmokers 
If you haven't heard it: Where the fuck have you been lol

I fucking despise the Chainsmokers. I absolutely fucking hate them. They came onto the scene with the hilariously awful #SELFIE, which was terrible of course, but it wasn't anything to take seriously. But after hearing their work now, that track should have been a massive warning signal of how vapid and smug these dudes are, and BELIEVE ME, are they fucking ever. They made a comeback in late 2015 with Roses, which I liked, and Don't Let Me Down, which has warn on me sure, but I still enjoy it. But after that is when their egos started to pour into their music. I already dissected the horrendous Closer in my Worst of 2016, their boring as tar but still mildly eye rolling fodder single All We Know, and their massive flop of a single Setting Fires, which is possibly even fucking worse than Closer, believe it or not. Safe to say that when I heard they were releasing a new song, I was excited to hear it. Not in a "Oh I can't wait to listen to it" kinda hype though, more of a "I can't wait to tear this shit to shreds" kind of hype. It was released a month ago, and I'm ready to review it.


Or at least, I wish I was.

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2007

Alright, time to Old Dominion & rip it off like a band aid

...that vaguely made sense, but fuck it, that's my intro

I Decided - Big Sean (ALBUM REVIEW)

Big Sean. Big fucking Sean. Where do I even begin with this man. Well, Big Sean is a rapper that got a lot of buzz in 2011 when he got signed to Kanye's label. In that same year, he dropped his first album "Finally Famous", which included the infamous hilarious track "A$$", which I do indeed like. Then over the years, he proceeded to get bigger and bigger, with more and more features (fuck, he was able to get on a JUSTIN BIEBER track!). 2013 he dropped his 2nd album "Hall Of Fame", which included the phenomenal track MILF, one of the funniest rap tracks of the decade. The Big Sean hype train was huge. But I, like everyone else I know, wasn't on it.

Yeah...did I forget to mention those 2 albums were fucking horrendous? Because dear lord were they. Bland beats, horrific bars, and was just overall annoying to listen to. It was clear as day: Big Sean flat out shouldn't be a rapper. But, in 2015, he surprised me with Dark Sky Paradise, the album where he decided to dip more into his serious side, and I liked it! Had some excellent stand out tracks, and was overall enjoyable. So when I heard he was releasing his new album "I Decided" this year, I was ecstatic. I dug the singles enough, so I did have a bit of expectations into this. So, did Sean deliver?

Make Me (Cry) - Noah Cyrus & Labrinth (SONG REVIEW)

Make Me (Cry) - Noah Cyrus ft Labrinth
If you haven't heard it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXyBcKV0UIo

Back in 2013, I despised Miley Cyrus. I hated how she totally abandoned Hannah Montana (as you can probably tell) and tried and unfortunately succeeded into turning herself into this vapid but still trying to be soulful artist. It's like a valley girl living in a pool of sewage, taking the occasional swig of holy water when felt needed. My 13 year old self was absolutely irate from her. Looking back on it, I overreacted HARD. I mean sure, as a PERSON she was still horrific, but little me was more focused on her music, which was really not that awful. I kinda dig Wrecking Ball, & Bangerz on a whole was a pretty decent album. But what made me notice this more was when I saw THIS song on the charts: Make Me (Cry) by Noah Cyrus ft Labrinth. I immediately had so many questions:

1. How did I not know Miley had a sibling, and why does she have a singing career? 

2. Why did she decide for her first song (let alone first hit) to collaborate with fucking Labrinth?

3. Why is the "Cry" in parenthesis? What is that supposed to mean?

Well, I listened to the song. And while I quickly ignored it & just continued on with my life, I knew in the back of my mind I wanted to review this when I could, because pop songs like this don't come around very often, let alone chart this high. And I didn't want to wait til December just in case this didn't become a hit, so song review time I guess. So, Miley Cyrus' sister times that one dude you think you know but actually don't: does it equal a positive number?

a girl a bottle a boat - Train (ALBUM REVIEW)

Remember that one song from 2010 called "Hey Soul Sister"? Remember how you used to sing it in the car all the time, despite the fact you more than likely hated it? Well, those cunts are back 6 years later, and they haven't changed a fucking bit!

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2009

You should know by now from my last list that I have a pretty strong disliking for 2009. But that doesn't mean that 2009 didn't have any good songs. In fact, I found plenty of solid songs on this list, and the top 3 consist of some of my favourite songs of all time! As much as it may seem like it, I don't actually hate every single song ever created. I give credit where it's due, and it's time to prove that. To start, some songs that *just* missed the list.

Billboard Top 20 Ranking (Jan. 28th, 2017)

The winter is the weirdest time for Billboard to me. Songs can hit the top 20 or maybe have solid staying power, but since it didn't get all of it's week's points in 1 year, it has a chance of not making the Year End, despite again being a certified hit. This is why I feel the Winter Top 20 is the most important ranking to ever do, to cover the songs you might not have been able to cover otherwise (and yes I totally did this review just so I can talk about Bad Things fuck you).

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2009

Ahhh 2009, what a horrible year for the charts.

Top 50 Best Songs of 2016

2016 was an awful year for the charts, but outside of that, it was pretty great. A bunch of excellent albums, which in turn means a bunch of excellent songs. Here's 50 of them with brief explanation.